Resolve to Evolve

So it's that time of year again - the time when we filled with the best of intentions and optimism plan to make positive changes in our lives. I read so many articles on how to keep your resolutions.

My main goal is for my actions to reflect what I have always dreamed for myself. I think many parents project their hopes and dreams on to their kids, since I don't have any kids, I figure maybe just maybe I should make a go at realizing my dreams.

Sometimes I wonder when I will have the time to do all the things I need to do. But work will not limit me as it has in the past. It is a job - it is not my life. As far as work goes, I resolve to be beneficially sacrificial. Meaning, I will not go above and beyond unless there is something in it for me. There have been many times when I have gone above all that is reasonable, with no tangible or intangible reward - sometimes not even a thank you. That is the last remnant of my martyr personaility (a trait that I got from my mom) I have removed it from every aspect of my life and now it is time to get rid of it completely. Martyrs aren't celebrated until they are dead, and sometimes not even then. I want my party while I am a live and well enough to enjoy it!

My job is not typically a 9-5 and has great potential to steal away my personal time outside of that. But, it will now have to work for me instead of against me.

I have a story idea that I can't wait to develop. I thought of it while I was under the dryer at the salon. It's about sacrifice, betrayal and friendship - I know familiar, yet vague. I just need to get it all out on paper.

My friend has asked me to help him direct a news entertainment show on public access. Since I used to produce one of those types of shows, I am more than excited to jump on board. I think it will be fun.

I have a few show ideas of my own that I need to develop - you know write treatments and pitches. I think I am ready for that - heck that is what I ultimately want to do - so there is no time like the present.

Financially, I have committed to saving $100/wk, so that I will have $5000 by the end of the year. I know I will have to sacrifice a few night of eating out and maybe even a little starbucks, but I think it will be worth it.

In addition, $15/wk goes into my vacation fund and now that I am elgible for my 401K, I will be contributing between 5-7% (I need to do the math on that).

That being said, I have committed to cooking - at least twice a week - if I were to be completely honest - I think I have forgotten how to cook because it has been so long since I have cooked on a regular basis. But going home, reminded how great it is to have home cooking.

Ever since I worked on this all-consuming show, I stopped going to the gym, but now I am back - my clothes are snug and that's just not gonna work, so it's back to business 3x a week like before. That to me was the biggest sacrifice I made in the name of work, but I don't care if I have to go during lunch, I have to do it. So I am in it to win it.

My uncle wants me to train for the Cherry Blossom run. I think it is 5K - (not sure how many miles that is). Honestly, I think that is ambitious for me - I have never been much of a runner. I might give it a try, but I really need to decide if that is something I want to do. If I don't really want to, it ain't gonna happen, no matter how good my intentions.

I vow to spend an hour 3x a week writing and dveloping my ideas - it is my first love - and it will be like reuniting with an old friend.

In addition, since I joined a book club, I will be reading more which is great. Our first book is "Kindred" by Octavia Butler. I picked it up yesterday, so I will start on it tomorrow.

Fast food is gone - my only real fast food addiction is Popeyes - but I had it yesterday and it was kind of gross.

My main goal is to continually grow and enjoy life. I think that is a realistic goal.

The Long Trip Home

I am never trading travel horror stories with anyone before going on a trip - I am convinced it is bad luck - like self fulfilling prophesy. I spent the day before I left DC chatting with a co-worker about our travel stories - they were all the kind of stories that looking back - you could laugh about it. Well the latest horror is now and I am not laughing.

I don't think I will fly US Airways again. Aside from having to fly from Jax to Philadelphia and back down to DC last night, they lost my luggage. It is now 7:30pm and I am still waiting for it. Of course, I called them first thing this morning and they gave me a time window worse than Comcast (don't even get me started on them). The window was sometime today. They located my bags at noon and I am still waiting for them.

I had a ton of stuff to do today and I essentially wasted a whole day sitting here. Now things that I needed to do today will have to be done tomorrow and not only that I already have things I need to do tomorrow. This is suppose to be my rejuvenation time - my time to take care of all my business before I go back to work.

I didn't get a phone call until about 5:00 at which point the driver said two hours - he then changed it to one to pacify me, but obviously it has been longer than two hours.

I am furious. I will be composing a letter to US AIRWAYS requesting some of my money back. There is no need to offer me any frequent flyer miles or a credit towards another trip....I will not be flying with them. I generally prefer non-stop flights and since those cost a kidney, I reluctantly purchased these tickets - which were the cheapest I could find at a whopping $278. I almost didn't want to go home.

Of course I am glad I went - it was great seeing my family - especially my mom and the kiddies. My "little" cousin who is twelve is about 5'8 - it is unbelievable. We played the Sponge Bob version of Life - which was fun. My younger cousin, who is seven, won the game....

We went to see King Kong Monday night - that was - action packed. It seemed like a lot of movies rolled up into one, but it was entertaining. Not sure how I feel about all the "people" or zombies or whatever on the island being of the darker persuasion. I wouldn't go so far as to call the film racist as others have, that may be a bit much. I just think that at the time the original film was made, it was widely believed that Africa was the "dark continent" and that the people were uncivilized and tribal oriented - thus scary. Perhaps it was a fear of the unknown. At any rate, that part of the film didn't appeal to me, but overall it was alright. It is definitely a movie theatre movie - the special effects are nonstop.

Ok talking about something else has calmed me down a bit, but now it is almost 8pm and still no word. I am hungry and was supposed to meet a few people out for dinner an hour ago....arrgghhh

The Magic 8 Ball

I got a magic 8 ball for Christmas from one of my co-workers. I asked it a ton of questions....from the absurd to the practical. Some of the answers I didn't like so much. Some were fabulous. Some of the questions I asked was: Would I have a safe flight home (meaning to Jax) interestingly enough it said - "outlook no so good" - Of course, that freaked me out a little, So I asked, would I arrive home safe and alive and it said "signs point to yes" phew....

I didn't think much more about it until I got on the plane and they announced they were having a maintenance problem - they announced this during the second hour of us sitting on the runway. I really lost it then - part of me wanted to get off and go home and drive, but I remembered...according to the 8 ball I would arrive alive, so I calmed down a bit.... plus it said I would buy a house in 06 and that I would get engaged....we'll see.

I asked if TB would always love me - it said "yes definitely" I asked it all kinds of questions about my friends and family. I asked about if cousin's marriage was over and it said yes and unfortunately she confirmed that. I was bummed.

I asked if a few people I suspected of cheating on their mates and I got my answer. How strange.... I asked about a lot of things - I don't take too much stock in it, but it's a little uncanny.

The Long Flight Home

What a grueling trip. Long story short - 5:30am flight didn't leave until 8:30am due to an unresolved maintenance problem. They "resolved" it by removing our luggage saying they would send it later. Missed connecting flight in Charlotte and had to sit and wait another couple of hours for another flight - got to Jax at about 1:30 or so....I could have driven and got home by 3:00pm - it would have been less stressful

A Friday kind of Thursday

What a great day! A huge gift basket from Trader Joes - a 3 hour lunch break complete with a mojito and desert at Zengo, a restaurant with a latin and asian flare.


If only everyday could be like this.

Don't Speak for Me - NAACP

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Who Moved My *@!# Cheese?

I decided to turn over a new leaf and cut back on eating out for lunch everyday. SO I took a box of veggie burgers, a package of buns and a resealable package of provolone cheese slices. That plan was working out well for the first two days until...today. I opened the refrigerator and lo and behold someone had moved my cheese! At first, I just stood there in shock because I knew that couldn't have been my cheese in the refrigerator all open and exposed to the hodgepodge of refrigerator odors. I am way too anal to have left it open. I looked around to see if perhaps there was another package of provolone cheese in the refrigerator - one that looked like mine - you know - sealed. But alas there was not another - so I knew I had been violated.

I could feel my pressure beginning to mount as I reached in to examine my cheese. Someone had definitely eaten a slice or two, since there were only two slices left in the package. The remaining slices were as I suspected - hard and in what I call the pre-mold stage - what made it so bad is they even had fingerprints on them. (if only could have sent them in to a forensics lab for testing)

At this point, I was furious. Did I not get some sort a memo that suggests that by virtue of me putting my lunch in the company refrigerator it then becomes community property? Could that be the case? Is it possible that someone thought that perhaps they brought cheese in?

I don't really mind sharing my food (most of the time) but if you are going to use my stuff can you at least leave it the way you found it. All you have to do is press to seal it back up, so that at least I could eat the remainder of the cheese. Could you not touch every single slice in order to get one - that's why there is paper in between the slices....arrggghhhh.

This warranted a trip to the manager's office. I was pissed. I don't ask for much - but a slice of my own cheese on my veggie burger when it is too cold to go out for lunch is not much. I wanted to yell - I wanted to scream - I wanted to send out a company wide email - better yet I wanted to get on the paging system and threaten whoever touched my cheese! But then I thought of how Ross had to go to anger management classes after someone at his sandwich (Friends)....

So I explained to my boss that I was pissed because someone ate my cheese. I could see that he was having difficulty holding back a laugh. I continued venting (something about placing surveillance cameras in the kitchen) He listened and then offered to get me a slice of key lime pie - no - I insisted - that is not provolone cheese! Well - on second thought - hadn't had key lime pie in awhile.... We joked for a minute and he got me a slice of pie.

I ate my veggie burger sans cheese knowing that afterward I would have a slice of pie. That key lime pie was good! It was a nice pacifier.

Who knew I could talk about cheese for 7 paragraphs? I think it is the principle that upset me. I now know that my food goes in the small refrigerator in the closet (that only a few people have access too) and it is within eye shot. I still hope that whoever ate my cheese enjoyed it - because if I ever find out who it was.....they are going to get an earful.

An Affordable Look?

I was watching the Early Show and they were modeling affordable holiday looks. I added up the costs of one outfit (including accessories and shoes) and it totaled $815. It was a nice outfit, but....

Am I missing something? Did I go into the wrong profession? The term "affordable" is truly subjective. Affordable to me is about $250 head to toe - knowing that the shoes and accesories will be doing triple duty with other outfits.

I see it in countless magazines too. Splurge vs Steal.... $5,000 vs $1250 for an outfit....

I am at a loss. I love clothes - but spending a 1K for one outfit is a bit outrageous. At those prices, I will need to take up sewing.

Man in the Mirror

Okay the title was inspired by a night of karaoke -which was pretty fun. It's good to know that I am not the worst singer on the planet.

On a serious note, it is really hard to see a reflection of one of the more challenging periods of my life as lived by someone else. Hearing about her situation, is all too familiar and in a way takes me back to a very dark time. I just want to tell her to get out now, love herself and most importantly stop wasting time.

It's Mr. Dysfunctional again - I know the story well. You are not at the top of the priority list. At times you feel you may not even be a priority. You are insecure (and rightfully so) about your relationship. You feel somewhat isolated from friends. You're self esteem and self confidence are at records lows. You feel socially inept and even awkward. You feel like having something is better than nothing at all - and afterall it is a habit. What drives you is (other than the fact that the relationship is purely habitual) fear and hope. Fear that you may end up alone and hope that maybe just maybe he will change. Everything will all work out if he would just change.

For me, I realized that I wanted so much change, that I realized he would have to be an entirely different person for it to work....

But as I much want better for her, I know she has to make that decision. She has to end it (I would end it for her if I could - just to save her from one more pointless argument) She has to get to that point - she might - she might not...It took me a long time - I am a slow doer (I knew it wasn't working, I just didn't stop it)

Ii is really hard to see someone else going through the same thing. Now I know how my mom and friends must have felt....

Are You There God?

Why do things have to be complicated? Why, for once, can't things just work out? It's difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when everything seems to blow up in your face. I don't want to hear any crap about becoming stronger, blah, blah, blah....Hasn't it been enough? I mean, really.

What a Difference a Year Makes

So now it is official. I am 32 and my life has changed so much in this past year. Most of it - for the better. One of my friends told me that life begins at 30 - I think that might be true. My life is so much better than when I was in my 20s (the drama years).

32 isn't really a significant year in that people don't get all excited. I guess once you hit 30, the birthdays that really matter are divisible by 10. But I have a lot to celebrate.

I am in a healthy relationship. I never in a million years would have guessed it could happen so fast. After about a year of dating random nuts and playing cat and mouse with my ex, finally this past year, I am seeing someone who is good to me and for me. And in return I feel that I am good to him and for him too. It is a nice exchange. He is the sunshine of my life.

I have made a ton of progress paying off my credit card debt. This year, I have been on an aggressive campaign and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not quite there yet, but since we get three checks this month - one of them is going towards that. I can't wait to that day when I can say "free at last". I project that it will be around mid-February or early March. My debt to income ratio will be favorable to getting a better rate for my next major purchase.

Speaking of income, this year I have figured out without a doubt, what I don't want to do. It is yet another occupation that I can scratch off the list. I guess it would be better for me to say with certainty what I do want to do....but knowing that this won't work for much longer is a positive step. I think this is a natural progression for me - sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who stays at a job for years at a time. But I am still convinced that there is something better for me.

My job is great in that I am compensated enough to handle my expenses and still have a little fun. It is why I will be out of debt. It is more money than I have ever made. Things are a little unstable now - but hopefully after the dust settles I will still have this job for as long as I need to. I will trust that when it is time for me to move on that God will open up the doors.

This past year, I have identified some other things about me that I have to address. Like attitude...sometimes I can be - really transparent. I have a hard time hiding my emotions - especially when I am pissed about something. So I will work on resolving my issues more constructively.

I am continuing to do things I have always wanted to do, which is a huge deal. I am so used to denying myself things or feeling guilty, that sometimes I feel trapped. But I went to the Dave Matthews Concert this year - which is phenomenal for me. I had long considered concerts a luxury I couldn't afford. I finally went to a Redskins game - twice and thanks to TK, I saw the Wizards this year. I also went to VA Beach, Philly and Luray Caverns with TB.

All in all it has been a good year and I hope the upcoming year is even better.

The Apprentice - it Aint

When I tell people that I am a project manager, people tend to think it is like the project managers on the The Apprentice. I can tell by look of intrigue when I tell people. But in all honesty my job is sort of like being a babysitter and a therapist all rolled up in to one.

I wish it was more glamorous, but it's not....

Cold Feet

I am not sure if I can do it....

Hormone Overload

At least I hope that's what it is or it could be post holiday blues. I woke up dreading the coming work day. Sometimes I just feel really burned out. I have a really hard job and it's hard mainly because it's thankless. You get none of the glory when things go well and all of the blame when things go wrong and you are responsible for every minute detail and I have the added bonus of having to deal with one of the whiniest crews I've ever seen. They complain about everything - it's unbelievable - like having to sign in and out. Well, you couldn't seem to get to work on time before then, so....Sometimes the staff is harder to deal with than the clients. Actually most of my clients are great - I think that is what makes the job bearable and even fun at times.

To make my job even more fun, I have quite a few well meaning co-workers constantly telling me how to do my job. It's nice to have people second guessing you all day. It's ok every once in awhile, but I am not incompetent and I have a large workload - so my having to stop to reassure someone who really isn't involved in the situation makes it harder for me to focus on what I am doing.

Sometimes I feel so scatterbrained because I have to stop and change gears all the time. Changing gears is ok, except when I end up in reverse. I guess I have to find a way to walk the tightrope and maintain my balance.

I thought I would hurt a couple of people today, but it's all good. Tomorrow is a new day.

Melancholy Friday

I had a great a Thankgiving. The meeting with the parents went swell. I was nervous up until I got there, but as soon as we got to their place, I was fine. I really like his family. I could only hope that he would feel the same about mine. I guess that will come later.

For some reason today, I feel melancholy. I think it might be the pre-birthday blues. It does usually hit me right after Thanksgiving. I didn't have it last year and this past year turned out to be a lot different than I could have ever imagined. I got a new job, a new boyfriend, and a more positive outlook. So why I am feeling this way? I have no idea!

I am bummed and I really don't know why. Maybe because it is so ridiculously cold outside. I went shopping today picked up a few gifts. Sometimes gift shopping is stressful - my family is hard to shop for. I got a few things from Victoria's Secret and I think I will hit Borders - and maybe pick up some of those AMEX gift cards - those are great.

I was a little bummed that I couldn't get the ihome at Linens N Things for $70 - they were sold out befroe I got there. I guess I am not the earliest of early birds. That would have been a gift for myself. I did end up buying myself a luggage set - it was long overdue. I was down to one piece that is falling apart. It is almost 10 years old and has served its usefulness. I got a red set, so that it will stand out a little.

There is a small part of me that feels guilty when I look for things for myself at this time of year. But really before Christmas, comes my birthday and I have started to make a point of doing something nice for myself. Maybe the luggage isn't all that exciting - it is more of something I need rather than want - I guess.

And now I am obssessed with Michelle's bag. I mean, I don't want one exactly like it, because she found it first - such great taste, but I have been obssessed with Coach bags since high school. Maybe this year, I will finally get one.

I am rambling. I was hoping that if I kept typing I would figure out what the heck is bothering me. But who knows? Now that I think of it, my monthly visitor is looming. Perhaps that is the cause of my state of mind. It makes sense. I tend to become sketchy, depressed for no apparent reason and irritable.

I want chips/salsa and a tall margarita. Maybe that will lift the blues.

The Big B is Back

I have to admit, I felt a little pressured. I hate having to be the Big B, but I had to stand my ground. I think I compromised as much I possibly could. But I thought I made it clear what I wanted to do and why. I am sure it turned out to be a nice project, I just had been too personally involved with it to care. I will say congratulations - but not much more. I think one person is being manipulated by the other one, but that isn't my business - but there is no way in the world I will support the manipulator. I can't stand that wench.

There are very few people I don't like, but she is darn close to the top of the list. In my dealings with her, she was extremely domineering, controlling and manipulative. She often tried to use guilt as a means to get her way with me - probably not a good tactic. How about just being straight up and treating me like an equal and perhaps respecting my right to disagree? There's a thought - a mature adult relationship.... I think she is a self-centered so and so with a lot of insecurities. Clearly, I am not a therapist, so I am not equipped to deal with that type of psychopathic behavior....

I said all that to say - I hated having to be the Big B - it would have never happened had I not been in the situation to begin with - which in all fairness - I tried to avoid. Perhaps I wasn't as articulate as I should have been - maybe my saying that I simply dislike someone isn't descriptive enough - perhaps I should have just said no and left it at that.

Revisionist History?

Did I miss something? Didn't we go to war because of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction? Weren't we all so moved by the president's claims of mushroom clouds and uranium tubing that were all part of Iraq's "nookular" weapons program?

OK, so I wasn't moved and I didn't agree with it to begin with, mainly because the rest of the world didn't seem to have access to all the "intelligence" that we had prior to war....bit I digress.

Smoking Ban in the District?

The DC government is considering imposing a smoking ban, similar to the bans in Montgomery county and LA. The decision may come before the New Year. To that, I say hallelujah! Non-smokers like to go out too! (and not come home smelling like an ashtray). That is actually one of my biggest pet peeves about nightlife is the smoke. Too much of it gives me a headache and I am not a big fan of the smell. Not to mention the health risks. I have my own addictions, but at least they don't affect other people. At any rate, I would be pleased with a smoking ban. It is great feeling to go into a bar or club and not feel suffocated with the stench of smoke.

I also hate to have my clothes and hair reek of smoke. If I go to church the next morning, there almost certainly not enough to get up and wash the do, but I wouldn't want to go with my hair smelling like that - people might think I had too much fun the night before. I don't really care what people think - I just hate the smell, so much so that I didn't want to go out after I got my relaxer - because I didn't want to have to wash my hair.

There are a few studies that suggests that a smoking ban would have a negative impact on some of the local bars, particularly the mom and pop type bars. I don't really know how true that is - but all I know is that there are a lot more non-smokers than not - so maybe that might attract more clientele.

Since my place is not capable of DirectTV, I often go to bars on Sunday to watch football - and often it is a smokefest. It is an annoying side effect of going out. I used to want to open a non-smoking club - but I don't know if my passion exceeds my drive to do that. But I think it would do well.

I guess smokers need love too, but it seems that most places (where smoking isn't banned) caters to smokers. Apparently football fans are all smokers. Some of my friends are smokers and I love them, but I don't care so much for the second-hand smoke. I think it is possible to still have fun and be smoke-free.

Meet the Parents

I suppose this has gone on long enough. But why does it have to be on Thanksgiving? I guess since it is a family holiday and since I am not going home to visit my folks... I was thinking of doing absolutely nothing on Thanksgiving. I would actually be content to just sleep and possibly watch football and make a couple of seafood dishes and just be happy I am not working.

But it is time. We have been dating long enough.... I already had a surprise meeting with mom. We got up and went to what I thought was a random church, but it turned out to be his mom's church (that would have been nice to know ahead of time) and that is how I met his mom. It was a brief (and awkward for me) meeting, but she seemed really nice. (That was real slick, T)

I am still not sure I am ready for a family dinner. While I worry about awkward pauses, I will plan on making a dish and then worry that it comes out well. Sounds fun.

A Change is Gonna Come

I must admit I don't enthusiastically embrace change, particularly when it involves my livelihood. This change seems to be without direction or maybe the direction hasn't been revealed. The uncertainty makes me feel unstable. I hate not knowing - and I realize that some things aren't meant for me to know - but the change appeared so - sudden, but it seemed to be very calculated. It certainly didn't happen overnight.

Can someone tell me what's going on?

Love in Any Language

I witnessed one of the most beautiful things this morning at Starbucks. I was watching this family interact. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I could see the love between them. It was an older couple and their adult daughter. It looked as though the parents were leaving after a visit, perhaps to the States. They had their luggage so I could only guess that they were leaving. They kissed their daughter and I wondered if the mother saw herself in her daughter, when she looked at her. The daughter looked like a younger version of her mother. They said their goodbyes and the daughter ventured off, leaving her parents to their dreams for her.

It's hard to explain, but you could feel the love between them - it was truly a beautiful thing.

Hair Raisin

So I did it, I went to the salon and got my hair relaxed. And it looks awesome! I don't know why I was so conflicted about it. Well actually after thinking about it, I do understand where my angst came from. It came from everyone else. I am insecure about a lot of things, but my hair is not usually one of them. I do occasionally get upset when I have a bad hair day.

In a lot of instances, when I mentioned that I wanted to get my hair relaxed people would tell me that I shouldn't for a myriad of reasons. Some people would say I shouldn't because I have "good hair" - sigh - are we still singing that song? Or others would tell me that all I had to do was blow it out or that I should just love my hair. The truth is - it's just hair to me. The truth is I know my hair better than anyone and it is not a particularly enjoyable experience blowing it out. It is tiring and the results are short lived for the amount of time involved. And although I love a lot of the natural styles, it took longer than I was willing to spend to have some of them done. 8 hours for braids or twists and it costs a lot of money.

The truth is - I was ready for a change. When I am ready for another change, perhaps I will go back to basics. And yes, I do love my hair. I loved it while it was natural and I love it now that it is relaxed. It doesn't change who I am.

But I must admit, when my hair looks good (this is not to say that I didn't like it before), I feel better - which helps my confidence - and people do respond to me differently now - which may work out to my advantage in the long run.

I think it's funny and maybe a little sad that some people treat me differently now that my hair is straight. Some of the men who used to ignore me seem to fall over themselves trying to talk to me. Now all of a sudden - I am attractive. Or I have the reverse (usually with women) like "why did you do that?" "Your hair was so cute before." Ok....how am I supposed to respond to that. Why do people say things like that? I think it is actually quite rude. These aren't people that I am cool like that with - they are just random people - acquaintances.

I am still the same person. I guess everyone has an opinion - which is cool. Getting to the root of it, I did it because I wanted to (why does anyone do the things they do?) I don't care who approves and who doesn't- it's just hair and it is only a small portion of who I am.

The Queen Rules

While I was at the hair salon, I heard the most beautiful angelic voice coming through the CD speakers. I was so impressed that I inquired about the songstress - only to find out that it was Dana Owens. That name really didn't ring a bell with me until my stylist said 'otherwise known as Queen Latifah'. My jaw dropped - I had no idea she had such an amazing voice. I can't believe I slept on it for this long. How long ago did "Chicago" come out... Anyway, it is a jazz album and it is one of the best I have heard in a long time. I think it shows off her range and has given me a new respect for her. I love her rendition of California Dreamin' and I Put a Spell on You. If you've lost that lovin feelin', this might help you get it back.

This is a good one for the collection.

I Believe in You

This is to someone very close to my heart. I want you to know that I love you and that your are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe you will get through this and become a better person in the process. Just know that if you need a shoulder, I am here for you.

Did You Know that

November is National Novel Writing Month? http://www.nanowrimo.org/

It is quite an ambitious undertaking. I am not sure if I am up to the challenge, but I still have a couple of days to decide.

It could be fun and we do gain an hour....

The Gospel

The Gospel was a nice end to an exhausting day. I don't normally go to movies through the week and certainly not after 5pm. (I prefer matinee prices) But after today, I knew I needed to take a mental break. Time to focus on something other than the crazy world of television production...

Turns out the gospel is just what I needed ;) It is a Rob Hardy film (a famu alum) and is a little different from his film style. The story seemed to be loosely based on the prodigal son parable in the Bible. Overall I enjoyed the flick. I will say it was difficult to buy Boris Kodjoe as a singer, much less an R&B star. He is way too stiff to pull off the look of a gospel singer (which is what he ended up doing) But aside from that I enjoyed the story line. I particuarly enjoyed Clifton Powell's performance. His role as the Bishop was so well portrayed, he felt so familiar and beleivable - like one of the pastor's I remember from childhood. Tamyra Gray was refreshing as always.

I thought the story line was good. I loved the interaction between father and son. It was touching. Some of the church scenes were had way too many cuts, but that is director in me coming out. Since I used to direct church services, I have a certain style that I appreciate. Some scenes were done really well - the choir scene with the children was a nice moment and the alter call scene was good. I almost cried - almost.

Overall, I think it was pretty good. Most of all, it was a nice way to wind down from a crazy day.

Smokin'

What a wacky smoke detector. Every morning after I shower, if I forget to close the bathroom door the smoke detector will go off - becaue of the steam. It's annoying because my natural inclination is to leave the door open so that the bathroom can cool off and the mirrors can clear up. But like clockwork, everytime I leave the door open, momentarily it will start beeping - and then I have to find a chair (as I am still draped in a towel) and tiptoe up to take the batteries out.

I should find comfort in knowing that smoke detector is sensitive and however annoying is necessary for the safety of everyone. That is - until about a week ago - one of my housemates decided to cook (which is dangerous already)and ended up burning a piece of bread (I know). He didn't even realize it until somebody said, "what's that I smell burning" All of sudden, he runs to the kitchen to retrieve his now burnt bread. Smoke is everywhere - the smell has permeated almost every room in the house and...

Not one peep from that crazy smoke detector. Not one! But it responds to bathroom steam! Unbelievable.

The Fat Lady and other random thoughts

I wonder where that phrase "It ain't over til the fat lady sings" came from? Did it have something to do with opera? Maybe I will look it up, if I remember. This thought was spawned by a sign I saw while watching the World Series tonight stating "the fat lady isn't even in the building"....


I also wonder where did the term "broad" come from and why is it used in reference to women. It is quite an irritating word indeed.

Did they really used to put cocaine in Coca Cola? Is that why it was addictive? What do they put in Starbucks?


Why does Ashanti have her own fragrance? I am not hating or anything, well maybe I am a little.

So much for random thoughts....see what happens when I have a little time on my hands.

Karma

Sometimes I feel like I that I am a coldhearted person. Everyday when I walk down the street to my job, there is always somebody asking for money or random stuff. This morning for instance, a guy asked to used my cell phone so he could call his job. The old me would have probably let him use it, but I didn't want to. He looked a little sketchy and I thought about how I would want to lysol my phone afterwards - eh it just wouldn't be worth the feel good feeling you get from being to kind to someone else. So I told him - yeah...I don't want to. Probably not nice - but it was true. Shortly after, one of the usuals was asking if I could spare a little change? Do you not see me walking to work, I think... If I had chance to spare, I wouldn't be up at this hour headed to work...

I have a hard time giving to men on the streets. I am more inclined to give to women than men. There is something about a man begging that I find to be - distasteful. Some of the men on the streets now look younger and younger - which I find to be even more troubling. What could be more pathetic than a guy around my age out on the street begging? Are they just physically unable to work? I don't get it.

It isn't that I don't have compassion for those who have fallen on hard times. I know what it is like to be unemployed for a spell. I can sympathize - to a degree. I always have a twinge of guilt when I ignore someone or I say no. Sometimes I think about "what would Jesus do?" Jesus primarily focused on the less fortunate. But I guess I am not there yet. I am sympathetic to those who are victims of bad luck, not bad decisions.

Those who face finaincial ruin due to a natural disaster, illness, or job loss - well that really isn't their fault, but people who chose not to get an education or get a job. That is perplexing to me. How did they not get the memo that you need money to live? America has a lot of crap wrong with it, but last I checked it was free to get a high school diploma.

I often wonder what happens to a person that they end up on the streets. It really isn't my place to judge. I am fortunate to have had one parent in my corner. I am blessed now to have a job that allows me to provide for myself.

Sometimes I wonder if my saying "no" so much will come back to haunt me. I generally aim for good karma. Not that this will mean much to the karma gods, but I did buy a random guy a cup of coffee this past Saturday simply because he asked. Starbucks at that....

Expect the Unexpected

There is nothing better than receiving unexpected cash. Last week, I got my deposit check back from my last apartment complex. I had all but forgotten about that, especially since I moved about 3 months ago. But even better than that, my boss arranged for me to get paid overtime this past pay period! (I worked almost 80 in one week alone). He mentioned that he would try, but I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. I got my check Friday, but it was my regular check, but I got a call late Friday evening stating that I had another check waiting for me. Thank you God for smiling on me. Thank you for a boss that actually looks out for us - he is going to make sure we get paid overtime on a regular basis. This would have never happened with my previous boss.

What is interesting is, I really don't mind getting comp time (I didn't have that at my old job either) In fact after this past month, I was thinking of getting a passport and picking a place on the map and just going....


The extra cash will just help get me closer to being debt free (and I will get a winter coat) I think the best thing is my boss recognizes our contributions and he seems to be genuinely concerned with our well being.

Riveting TV

What could be better than My Super Sweet Sixteen and America's Next Top Model?

Thanks goodness for DVR.

Bootleg Cell Phone

My LA friend always teases me about my cell phone because in the entire time he has known me - my cell phones have always been crappy. This latest one being no exception. I can no longer charge it from the wall outlet. So I can only charge it in the car except I really don't drive so there isn't much opportunity to let it charge. I said all that to say, my battery is either dead or almost about to die, giving me only a brief moment in time to talk.

I said all that to say I need a new battery at the least....but given my inclination to procrastinate, I am not too sure when that will happen.

Production

I love production and I would do a lot more often given the opportunity. However, when I am entrnched in production I have little time for anything else - other than sleeping and the occasional nutritionally challenged meal. I did make time to stop by Victoria Secret's to buy some more underwear, since I didn't have time to do laundry. Those low rise panties are fantastic - that has changed my life.

Today we were all sitting around talking about what we do if we won the lottery - apparently it is at about 380 million. It was nice just to take that 5 minutes and just dream...I would take a lump sum after taxes - pay off all my debt (and my moms), travel, invest in some real estate, find the best medical care that money can buy for my mom, and hire a darn good financial planner so I could be set for life and so that my children could be set. I would also give a lot to Habitat for Humanity - as that is one of my favorite organizations. I would start my own porduction company and oh yeah - I would no longer be a project manager ;)

Last night, I talked to one of my DCI buddies and it was so refreshing. I felt inspired just talking her. I just love her energy and drive and enthusiasm. Hopefully we make time to do lunch. I miss our time together. But I am sure our paths will cross again soon.

My huge production is finally over and it wasn't without its share of mania. All par for the course I guess. I am already working on new projects, but I will also will planning a trip somewhere....

It will Only Take a Few Minutes

or "We'll fix it in post" Those are the words that as a project manager make me wince. It will almost always a significantly longer time than expected. Words like "quick fix" in my world means an entire day. And "we'll fix it in post" really means we should deal with this now, but it can be fixed in editing (we hope)...yeah in about 5 times the amount of time it would take if you just stopped and fixed it now...

ahhh production - i love it....

But When Will I Ever Use This?

Today as I was standing in line at Cosi, I noticed that the young woman in front of me was reading something that looked vaguely familiar. Ahh yes, I remember - it was Calculus. I saw something that looked liked the integer sign (or a squirly in my world) and something that looked like a limit. How funny that I hadn't seen that since college. It was so important to me then - just so I could pass, so I could get in to med school, blah, blah, blah....

In fact, it's been so long, it looked foreign. As a matter of fact, I couldn't figure how integers and mimits fit together or if they are related. I guess it's true, if you don't use it, you lose it.

I guess I really don't have an answer to that question. What am I going to say to my kids when they ask me why they have to learn trigonometry - it's not like they'll ever use it... They may just have a point. I can only think of a couple of professions where that might come in handy. I guess I got time to come up with a clever answer.

Private Eyes

I got a strange call today. I was informed that someone was looking for me - a private investigator. Did I miss something? Who in the world would want to find me? I paid my stinking Maryland taxes, I don't owe anybody money that I know of...my life really isn't that interesting. That's really creeping me out. I don't remember anyone asking me to be a reference for them. My job already investigated me...they didn't find anything too exciting either. I have racked my brain trying to figure out who, what, when, where and why? The only way I would welcome a PI is if one of my old childhood friends was trying to find me. Nothing else could be good... People don't usually hunt you down to give you a pot of money.

The truth is, I don't want to be investigated. I have an average life. I get up, go to work and there's not time for much else. I hope whoever is investigating me gives up the search. I just want peace of mind. Drama is so unpretty on me.

Dude, where's my keys

I thought it was a great idea to get out of the city for a a day or two, since I will be working for the next 12 days straight. My weekend was supposed to start with a trip to the hairdresser for a relaxer and a trim. I even took pictures of my last day with natural hair as a memento. But it wasn't meant to be because I spent 30 minutes looking for my keys. I must say that is a record. I don't think I have ever spent that long - they weren't in any of the usual places and I turned the place upside down looking for them. I became so frustrated I was almost in tears. They ended uo being in the kitchen which is extremely unsusual, since I am rarely there. Sadly, I wasn't even the one who found them. So I still make my way out there, hoping there was a possibility I could be on time, but it was raining and the traffic was not cooperative. As it turns out, I was 30 minutes late to my appointment and could not have my hair done. I would have to be reschedule, but since I have to work 12 days straight who knows when I will be able to go back...I guess I will have to be natural a couple more weeks.

After that it was off to Wilmington, DE - the place where we would be staying since all the hotels in Philly were booked. By we - I mean me and my friend. We are er, um "hanging out". What would normally be about a two hour drive took 4+ hours. It took two hours just to get out of the DC Metro area. It rained and rained and rained some more.

After we got settled, we drove to Philly to hang out with one of his friends. We walked about 20 blocks in the rain and ended up and Jamaican eatery - from there we met with some more people and ended up going to a club called the Five Spot. It was a nice time, but after that we were tired and just ready to get back to the room and that is when the adventure started.

After we got to the parking garage, the attendant claimed that the car wasn't there. It's one of those parking garages where they keep your keys. I have never been too comfortable withthat arrangement especially after my car mysteriously got scrathced while it was parked in one of those lots, but I digress. My friend was getting upset, because the original attendant never gave us a ticket and there was a new attendant on duty. We were both soaking wet from the rain and tired which added to the irritation. The attendant repeatedly said he didn't have the car and at that point I was ready to call the police. The attendant went to search again and this time he found the car - I guess he realized we weren't going anywhere (especially without a car) To top things off, he tried to charge $10, when we had already paid when we first pulled into the lot. My friend was agitated and probably not in the best condition to drive.

We pulled out and then we got a little lost. I suppose he appeared to be driving erratically and neither of us noticed that our lights weren't on. And in no time there were flashing lights. I had no idea why were being pulled over, since we were just trying to figure out how to get back to our room. The officer came to the window and my friend started babbling and babbling. I just wanted him to shut up, because he was just repeating himself. He tends to babble when he is nervous. Well, the officer made him get out of the car and made him take a series of tests to determine if he was driving under the influence. Whoa, I was nervous - he had a couple of drinks, but I didn't think he was drunk.

Why didn't I just drive, I hadn't had a drop of alcohol and I wasn't nearly as agitated as he had been. I mean, would he really drive drunk? I offered to drive, didn't I? I couldn't remember. I should have just insisted. But he didn't seem drunk - surely I know the difference. He can handle a lot more then two drinks - and some time had passed. But was it enough time? I should have known not to let him drive after he was so angry at the parking attendant. Oh my god - this can't be happening. What do I do? I can't do anything - but wait. My mind was numb. I helplessly watched wishing I could take the test for him. It was scary.

He had to say his ABCs - which he did. Then he had to stand on one foot and do this weird kick thing (which I would probably have trouble doing sober) Then he had to walk heel toe, heel toe turn and repeat. Phew, he did that pretty well. Ok maybe things would be ok afterall. Then he had to follow a small flashlgiht with his eyes without turning his head. I was scared because his back was to me and I couldn't see what was happening. I saw his head move a couple of times - dang why didn't I drive? Then, the test was over and my friend came and sat in the car with me. We tried to talk about other things while we waited, but it was hard. If the worst happened, I would just have to come get him, we decided. But he still didn't seem drunk - just nervous. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. Finally the officer came back to the car. A ticket, for driving without the headlights on and he gave us directions to get back to our room. I would have been happier with a warning, but under the circumstances, it was ok. We made it back to the room, without any more misadventures. What a crazy end to our day.

Saturday was much better. It was still raining, but we went to the Ebony Fashion Fair - Fit to be Fabulous. I hadn't gone to a showing in a long time, but it was a good show. Eight scenes - some of which I thought were weird, but I liked the colorful scenes - lots of orange and yellow - nice. I think my friend liked the swimwear ;) The hip hop scene was my least favorite - the clothes were needlessly expensive and too over the top. The showstopper was a two piece number which made me reconsider the virtues of crunches. It was hot!

After the show, we went to Ruth Chris Steak House, which was a first for me. I must say the dish I enjoyed most was the lobster bisque. I didn't have any steak - I just wasn't in the mood for a big ol hunk of meat. So I had the stuffed chicken - eh - it was just alright. The stuffing definitely wasn't worth the caloric intake. But after a little doctoring up, the chicken was bearable. Amazing was a little lemon juice and pepper can do.

We drove back to the room with only a few scares. It was pouring and the car kept getting pummelled with rain from the big wheelers driving by. We made it back safely and settled in for a n evening a college football. It was nice and dry.

And today it was time to return from our adventurous weekend away. It was good to get away even with all of the craziness.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

or something like that. Yesterday was bittersweet. I went to a "Choices" reunion/going away party. It was so great to see everyone again. We laughed, we reminisced - we drank - it was good times all over again. But then we said farewell. Rocky, Nic and D are all moving to LA. Not that I didn't see it coming, but they are all leaving at about the same time. Rocky and I haven't hung out since mid-July and she spent most of that time preparing to move.

It is inevitable when you have talented, creative actor friends that they will eventually move to NY or LA. I have been through this before, but it is still hard to say goodbye.

I am so happy for them and proud of them. I feel blessed that I even know them and that I can count them as friends. But there is a small part of me that is a little envious. I wish I had the courage to take that plunge and move out to LA. I love LA -the beach, the mountains, the lifestyle. But I think I love the idea of LA - the idea of having more opportunities to actually do something....creative.

At any rate, I wish them well. Since I am working on the whole keeping in touch thing, this will be yet another test of my progress (or lack of). I can't wait to see their names in the credits.

You Gotta Know When to Hold 'em

I went to my first poker night with some co-workers last night and it was so much fun. We had a poker lesson the day before at lunch which helped, but I was the only one that had to refer to my cheat sheet. I loved the whole bluffing, the not knowing - the intimidation - it was great. I think I have found a new addiction.

Bottom Feeders

It's time to kick it up a notch. I am tired of dealing with low budgets who expect above and beyond anything reasonable. I swear the lower the budget, the more work is involved. I recently handled a bigger client who was a lot less trouble than some of the other ones. What's even worse is the lower budget clients tend to be lsee organized - which leaves me holding the back.

I think I had three of the worst clients all this past week. All, unfortunately were people who look like me. Granted I have a couple of great clients who look like me, the bad ones are just - really bad.

So disorganized, which always costs me more time - which in turn upsets me. I am work now, and that is ok. At least with this client - I knew about it in advance. At least, they take an active role in their own production. That, I can handle.

At any rate, work is work. Sometimes it is great, and sometimes it just is. I feel myself getting restless. There is something about me that won't allow me to just settle. I guess it is because I am not exactly where I need to be yet, so I am still in search mode....

Pay it Forward

Lately I have felt so useless - like I just don't have anything to offer anyone. Lord, can you at least help me to help others. I hate feeling this way. If I can start helping other people in some way - even small ways, maybe I'd feel like my life had a purpose.

I want to do so much and I want to give a lot, but sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid that maybe I won't be of much help. I don't know. I just want my life to mean something.

Stinky Feet

Stinky Feet, Stinky Feet, what are they feeding you?
Stinky Feet, Stinky Feet, it's not your fault.

How embarassing to wonder what that horrible smell is, only to discover it is you! (Not saying that it was)

Fortunately it's nothing a hot shower and a little Gold Bond can't cure.

When You Pray

Dear God,

When I asked for the pitter patter of little feet, I wasn't talking about rodents. Perhaps I should be a lot more specific whan I pray. You know my history - can't you just direct them elsewhere?

I hate those things - particularly in my domicile. The first time was bad - when I saw one jump off of my stove one morning before work - which prevented me from getting my lunch.

But the second time was way beyond comprehension. It was two days later after my roommate insisted that there were no mice there (I suppose because he hadn't seen any)- I was getting ready to take my shower and I opened the bathroom door, turned on the light and out crawls one and I screamed so loud and just ran out and continued screaming for at least 5 minutes.

I ended up leaving the house and had planned to take a shower at the gym. Good idea,bad execution. I was going to drop by work and then leave for the gym, but I got sucked into the vortex...

Well, thanks to the new houseguests, I have temporarily relocated. The exterminator came last week - but I don't have the heart to go back. I was so traumatized by one of those things as a child - I guess I never really got over it.

So I am saying - pitter patter = child of my ownm- compplete with a husband. it certainly does not equate to vermin in my world.

Update

I have been away for awhile, so I'll make it short and sweet.

It all started Labor Day with an early afternoon trip to the local Giant. Lines were long and it was packed as usual. After catching up with Soap Opera Digest and Cosmo and learning how to shed those pesky unwanted pounds, I finally was next in line for checkout. That's when it happened. A man walks in and demands that the cashier open the register and puts a gun to her face. Of course she panicked and because she was in the middle of ringing up the customer in front of me - she couldn't open the register. So he yells "you've got one minute maam" and then walks out the door. They called the police and the cashier started crying. Wasn't sure what would happen next, if he would come back or just what. At the time, I didn't care, I just wanted to get my food and leave. Even after what just happened, my mind was just on getting the heck out of there with my groceries. So they told everyone they had to change lines and there was just no way I could see myself starting over again, so I went to the customer service line and got out of there. On the way out I looked for the guy, because my mind didn't really prompt me that I was in danger. I was just tired.

About 5 minutes later the gravity of what happened occurred to me. We could have been killed or injured all in broad daylight! The strange thing is, this guy was casually dressed, clean cut...not at all what you would expect to be holding up a gorcery store. So that was the beginning of one of the more stressful weeks I have had in awhile.

Work has been busy and sometimes it drives me insane. I get bitchy sometimes, but that is just me. I am trying to work on it, but sometimes it is just impossible to get anything done. It's like the whole day is one big interruption and then somehow you are supposed to figure out how to get stuff like billing done.

I have had to deal with this high maintenance producer - who if he isn't there bugging me, he is calling bugging me. He has a wonderful knack of wasting my time explaining the obvious to me. I saw some of his work -I am not that impressed. It is like he is the only one around - arrgghh. We had a big blow up one day and I heard him say get the hell out of his room, he swears he didn't say that - but wahtever he said - it wasn't nice and I was pissed. Then he had the nerve to be complaining about me - what a surprise - he complains about everything, but I think it's the fact that he assumed I wasn't trying to help him and he was somehow under the impression that I was bumping his edit time for someone else. Apparently the concept that someone else booked edit time a month earlier than him is foreign - which meant I had to get the editor to work overtime to get his stuff done.

Long story short, the guy is an asshole. Our confrontation involved my manager and the sales rep. Even then he said something rude. The truth is I hate working with that person. If I found out tomorrow that he was a child molester or serial killer, I would not be surprised at all. I generally hate confrontation - but I was so angry....I have been making nice with him since then - his current projects are almost done and hopefully if they hire him again, he can torture someone else.

Hmmm what else....ahhh I will save it for another blog

The Five Senses

Randomly, my mind will take me on journeys that - well - make me think. If I had to give up one of my senses - which would it be and why? The reason this thought came to me is probably due to my allergies. My allergies have made me so miserable the past few weeks, that at some point, I thought I may lose something. So I thought - if I had to lose one of my senses which would it be?


HEARING
I don't think I could live in a world without the enjoyment of sound. I love music way too much for that - speaking of which - I want that new nanopod - that's hot. Plus I love the sound of the laughter of my family and friends. The only time I can think that hearing loss would be great is for some of those boring meetings we have that tend to go on and on. There's one or two guys who ramble on and on and their voices drive me insane....but even still if I couldn't hear them, I wouldn't be able to mock them when they leave. Probably petty, but it is a coping mechanism - otherwise I'd probably hurt them, then be unemployed, then be homeless - it's an ugly cycle - so I'll just continue to imitate them for kicks.

SIGHT
Hmmm, can't lose that one either. Contemplating things like this makes me appreciate the little things - like butterflies and the beach and babies and men folk and cute outfits and nice houses...I could go on and on, but the point is, I hope I never have to deal with the reality of a world without sight.


SMELL
I love the smell of Starbucks. I think I should get stock in that company. And the smell after a shower, especially after a long work out. And food....

TASTE
Did I mention food? Especially seafood, mexican, italian....desserts, fruit....

Touch
There's something about the power of touch - a hug can just make my day. Or just when some of my touchy feely girlfriends tocuh my shoulders when they are talking to me. I absolutely love it. And when I am fortunate, feeling a man's touch - can't live without that....


I said all that to say - I love all my senses. I think the one that I would hate losing the most is...hearing.

I can't think of one or even imagine being without one - including the "sixth sense".

Attack of the BC Flashers

Today for the first time in my life, I got real business cards - business cards my employer paid for. This might seem like a small thing, but to me it is HUGE! I was trying to be cool when I saw them waiting on my desk, but inwardly I was so excited. It's like for the first time since I have been working, I feel - validated. Finally an employer thinks enough of me to buy me business cards. It's like they are acknowledging that I am somebody.

It seems silly, but I have secretly been envious of people with business cards for a really, really long time. I would get so annoyed at networking events when everyone would flash their cards and when asked for mine I would (a) pull out my homemade cards - which are alright, except that I move so often the address is out of date or (b) politely take their cards and inform them that I am in the process of updating mine. It's like their business cards made them more important - it made them special and they were flaunting them just to make me feel bad - I know - so melodramatic. (it's part of my charm)

Now I can't wait for the next networking event. Because now, I too can be a flasher - heck I have 1000 of them. Make that 996 - I already gave out four in the span of about 15 minutes. I am excited to join the ranks of the flashers. See - I always knew it - I am somebody, it says so on my card.

Me and PT

I have always had a love/hate relationship with PT (public transportation) As a child, I hated it because it took such a long time to get home - hence less outside play time for me since I had to be in the house by the time the street lights came on. I also loved it, because we had an old thunderbird which was in the repair shop more often than it ran. Without it, we would have not had the means to get from point A to B. Moving to Jacksonville suspended any need for public transportation because the city is so large, public transportation is just impractical. Once I moved to the DC metro area, I still was resistant to public transportation unless necesarry. I hated the track between Gallery Place and Metro Center where during rush hour we were all smushed like sardines in a can. I hated the long train ride home to Branch Avenue when (I hate to say it - the amount of melanin increased) and the noise level increased to deafening volumes. I became used to my car and preferred it above any thing else - up until about 2 months ago when I started working in the city.

I lived in the suburbs at the time and really didn't have any other alternative. When I was informed by my rental office that my rent was increasing by $100, I knew I had no other alternative but to move closer. I wouldn't be able to afford the increase along with the costs of commuting. Gas back then was about $2.19 or so and parking was $5.50 a day (which is really cheap for the city). Considering I had to fill up about 1.5 times - 2 times a week, the outgo added up substantially.

Fortunately I found a place in the city with free parking - garage parking at that. I also found out that the city bus drops off about 2 blocks from my office - which indeed is a blessing.

My long commutes and pocket drain ignited a love affair with public transportation once again. Even with the cast of characters, and there are some pretty intersting ones - like the lady who sings loudly on the bus; the guy who apparently never heard of headphones and decided to share his R Kelly video with the entire bus - he seemed to be under the impression that just because he paid for his DVD player, that he had a right to play it as loud as he wanted; or even better the guy who pants were so low his bare behind was sitting on the seat. There is also the lack of PT manners - like people who bumrush the bus as soon as the door is opened instead of waiting for the onboard passengers to exit first or the people who assume the people sitting next to them are hearing impaired and talk so loudly that everyone on the bus knows all the sordid details of their life.

But even all that hasn't soured me on the positives of PT. With the soaring gas prices which have inexplicably hit $3.20 almost overnight, driving seems even less desirable. I know we have been told that the price hike is due to hurricane Katrina, but I am of the opinion that this is yet another way the oil corporations are taking advantage of disasters. Yes, I know we depend on the Gulf for oil, but other countries have offered assistance to the oil companies, but it doesn't seem to trickle down to the American consumer.

I am speculating that as the prices continue to hike, PT costs may increase and service may be decreased, but for now I will keep my Smartcard handy.

The Love Walk

Lately, God has been talking to me about walking in love. I admit that I have had my less than loving moments and thoughts of what would Jesus do had not entered my mind. I have been in reactive mode, instead of proactive mode.

I Cor 13 came to mind and I wasn't even at a wedding. I have been so wrapped up in protecting myself from rejection and potential abuse that I haven't been able to love.

I can not do it on my own. It is easy to love those who love me back, but those who don't.... God will have to guide me on that one.

I think Hurricane Katrina has changed my perspective a bit. My heart goes out to those people - my best friend lives in that area - and while I know she is prepared for anything - some of her neighbors are not. That is why I am going to make a donation and find out other ways I can help out.

Low Riders

Today I became one of the people I swore I would never be. I am a victim - a victim of fashion. Today I wore my new pair of mid-rise jeans. I even did the booty check before I left home - just to make sure I wasn't exposed. What I forgot to do was check the booty while sitting. I thought nothing of it until I chatting away with a male co-worker who casually informed me that I needed to cover up - although he did think the tiger prints were nice. How embarassing! My shirt of course rose up when I sat down and my jeans revealed my underwear (at least I wasn't wearing granny panties). I am actually glad he told me about it since he was the first person I spoke to today. I ended up wearing my jean jacket all day so I could avoid giving everyone a peep show.

When will this trend end?

Fantasy Football

For the first time, I signed up for Fantasy Football this year. We had our draft last Tuesday and I must admit I am already addicted. Who knew I become anymore obssessed with football that I already was? I think I have a decent team, and I just can't wait for the season to start.

Fantasy makes you look at football through different eyes - because your loyalty shifts from your favorite team to your players. To prevent myself from ever cheering for teams like Tennessee, since they are in my opinion Jax's biggest rival, I didn't draft anyone from their team. It was hard not to draft some of the Jaguars too, I was tempted several times, but I held back.

Overall I am pretty happy with my team. If I could, I would get stronger QBs and possibly a better defense. I am just hoping Todd Heap and Jerry Porter will stay healthy.

I have:
Aaron Brooks, NO - QB
Ben Roethlisburger, PITT - QB
Drew Bledsoe, DAL - QB

LaDanian Tomlimson, SD - RB
Ahman Green, GB - RB
TJ Duckett, ATL -RB

Terrell Owens - PHI - WR
Darrell Jackson - SEA - WR
Jerry Porter - OAK - WR
Antonio Bryant - CLE - WR
Amani Toomer - NYG - WR

Todd Heap - BAL - TE
Ryan Longwell - GB - K
Jason Hanson - DET - K

IND - Defense
JAX - Defense

VA Beach

This was a great past 3 days. I took Friday off and that couldn't have come a minute too soon. I spent the first part of the day on Friday at the spa getting a hot stone massage (which was fantastic) and a pedicure - which is it's own taste of heaven. Then went to VA Beach for a little R&R. Traffic was horrendous on the way down, but even that was ok. Saturday was overcast and chilly but I still hung out on the beach anyway. A couple of friends came down and hung out, but inevitably she wanted to go to the clubs. That's cool and all (not really my scene) but the as I discovered Friday night - my driver's license was in my purse... the purse that it is in DC! So I knew it would be a problem, which it was. I didn't care much. Drinking in a bar with a bunch a twenty year olds is not really my idea of a great night out anyway, but for her sake I asked the bouncer if he would let me in without an i.d. secretly hoping he would say no, which he did. There were police all up and down the street. Ever the persistent one, she wanted to try a different club, but I had to put my foot down. There was no way I was going to get rejected all night to do something that I really didn't want to do anyway. We endd up going to a 24 hour mini-golf place, whichI thought was pretty fun.

Later that night, I saw something I'd never seen before. The club that I had attempted to get into was still going strong. But just as we were walking by, the door opened and the bouncers were carrying this young woman face down out the door and they just tossed her outside and she crawled away crying. She eventually balled up on the sidewalk and the police shoed us away. It was almost like a scene from Fresh Prince when they used to throw Jazz out of the house - it was just really strange.

The sun came up Sunday morning. That made my weekend. I was up in a flash and headed to soak up some rays. Rode bikes up and down the boardwalk, got in the water and then laid out in the sun. That is really all I wanted to do and perhaps play a little volleyball. That made it all worth it. I could have done that all day. I must go again.

Isn't That Nice?

So Much for Good Christian Values.....

Televangelist Calls for Chavez' Death Tue Aug 23, 6:20 AM ET


Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested on-air that American operatives assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 Club."

"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

Chavez has emerged as one of the most outspoken critics of President Bush, accusing the United States of conspiring to topple his government and possibly backing plots to assassinate him. U.S. officials have called the accusations ridiculous.

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

Robertson, 75, founder of the Christian Coalition of America and a former presidential candidate, accused the United States of failing to act when Chavez was briefly overthrown in 2002.

Electronic pages and a message to a Robertson spokeswoman were not immediately returned Monday evening.

Venezuela is the fifth largest oil exporter and a major supplier of oil to the United States. The CIA estimates that U.S. markets absorb almost 59 percent of Venezuela's total exports.

Venezuela's government has demanded in the past that the United States crack down on Cuban and Venezuelan "terrorists" in Florida who they say are conspiring against Chavez.

Robertson has made controversial statements in the past. In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

___

On the Net:

Christian Broadcast Network: http://www.cbn.com/700club/




Copyright © 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Photograph

Can someone take a good picture of me? I need a recent photo - where I am not in a group of 10 of my closest friends ;o

Around the Block

Truthfully, I am hardly ever home. Work is too crazy for me to have a single coherent thought without interruption, so that is why I haven't been writing as much.

I try to go to the gym at east 3x a week, although that little bout with the mini-flu or whatever it was put a wrinkle in those plans last week. But I am back on it.

Seems like the only time I write is Sunday morning and I feel almost slightly guilty because I am not at church. I am on hiatus from church for awhile. I will admit that lately I have been feeling a need to become more connected to God. I am not sure church is the answer right now.

I went to a birthday party for one of my sistah friends yesterday. She turned 49 and barely looks 30 something. She is so vivacious and an inspiration. She is a nurse by day and actress/director by night. She spoke about how each of us touched her life, but she is inspirational as well.

Later I went to Game Night with my DSC peeps. That was fun. I love celebrity bowl -just seeing people act out the clues is hilarious. I felt so inspired by Susanna - she is training for a marathon and ran 17 miles earlier that day. I am still in awe of that. How is that humanly possible?

I wonder if there are any quarter marathons - that seems attainable for me. Maybe I will shoot for like 7 miles or something. Even that right now seems a little daunting. I was never a long distance runner. I could run short distances pretty fast (past tense) - but endurance always kicked me in the pants. I wonder if that is genetic - because even when I was really fit, long distances always gave me grief.

I have a television show idea - actually 2 or 3, but the one I am referring to - I need to transfer it from my brian to paper. I was thinking about the production side, becuase that's what I do....and I am trying to figure out how to producet his show as cost effectively as possible. It will involve a lot of locations and set ups. The good thing it is has more a newsmagazine feel, so there won't be a lot of lighting - I think for most of two person crew would suffice, except for the studio stuff. Ahhh, I have drifted in to work mode.

I must go to the gym and clear my head.

5.7 Days Left

Until I am at the beach. I am so looking forward to R&R weekend. I think I should have one every quarter.

This time I am going to VA Beach and it just so happens they are having a Soul Beach Music Festival. I am hoping to get there a little early before the festivities start, so I can have a little bit of sand and sun before everyone else gets there.

It feels so great to NOT have an agenda or itenirary. Just do whatever strikes the fancy or don't do anything at all.

Life is great when you have something to look forward to. Next Year is Martha's Vineyard. I still want to do Niagara Falls and possibly just hang out in Toronto for a little while. I am thinking of trying to plan a ski weekend - I think that would be a blast. Clearly, I live for vacation ;o

Thank God for AC

I had forgotten how wonderful having air conditioning could be until it went out on one of the hottest days of the year. How nice to have it back.

Fortunately, I spent most of the day in Georgetown basking in the glory of tax free week and then later at Luray Caverns - which is a cool 54 degrees. I didn't get home until much later in the evening, which made it better, but it was a rough night.

On another note, football is back - hooray!

Keep it Movin

It didn't work out. I don't want to explore why it didn't work out - I have already made peace with it. Just because I have the ability to have a civil conversation and even share a laugh or two with you doesn't mean - anything. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone, but then it is too late. You can't press "undo", so you just have to move on and try not to make the same mistakes.

It has taken a lot of work for me to re-gain my sense of self and my confidence. I am content- to be single (right now) and to be ok with who I am - warts and all. I am on a good path. It wasn't easy to get here. It was scary, lonely and often disheartening and it took a LONG time. But I have come to far - I see the progress I have made and there is no way I am turning back.

So yes, we had some good times - that was cool. But it didn't work. I am done with assigning blame - it doesn't even matter at this point. I know what I want and I am content to wait for it.

Needy Need Not Apply

If you need anything - anything at all - a deck, an edit suite, some coffee, a shoulder to lean on - anything, don't ask me. The truth is - I don't care. I don't care why you are behind schedule - I will just bill you for it. I don't care that you are hungry or thirsty - order your own damn lunch. I don't care if you are emotionally spent - are you paying me the going rate for therapists to listen to all that crap?

I guess there are a few things that drives me nuts about my job - things that I didn't know would be part of my job - like answering phones and ordering lunch and bringing people snacks. I hate answering the phone when it isn't for me. I had a temp receptionist job for 1 week and I thought I was going to go nuts. Ordering lunch for people? If I wanted to be a PA, I would have applied for that. I have already been a PA and I didn't like it then. I never knew how to make coffee until now - I probably still don't - heck I don't drink it.

The thing is - when you work for a smaller company there's a lot more crap work and not as many resources. It's cool when you can make it all come together, but sometimes getting there is a real pain.

Honestly, most of my clients are cool. Most of them are flexible and easy going. I think the thing that makes me nuts the abundance of work and expectations is sometimes beyond reasonable. It's impossible to answer phones, schedule sessions, do billing and run around the building for random miscellaneous stuff simultaneously.

It is unfortunate for me that I have the first desk, people usually stop there first, even if I am not the person they need to talk to. The trick is to figure out how to get your work done in between constant interruptions.

I am not sure how long I can do this. My boss wants someone for at least 2 years - I think I can give him a year, maybe a year and a quarter. I have already done this job at another company for a year (granted it was a lot easier), so my timetable is a little different. I think I would be really pissed off after two years - not sure I am made for a job like this.

There are parts of it that I really like - I think the problem is - it is really two jobs. There is the management part - which I like and there is the services part - which I hate. I will figure it all out.

I think right now, I just need a vacation. A few days to not be concerned about anyone else's needs except mine. I have a comp day coming up , but I might have to extend it to two days, so I can have a 4 day weekend. I have already booked a hot stone massage, pedicure and a hotel suite in VA Beach for the occasion. I need to re-connect with my spirit - to rediscover myself and just have some rejuvenation time. I can't wait.

A Little Awkward

I went to a barbecue this past weekend and I must admit it was a little weird. It was a work thing and it was cool and all. But most of the people who came were married with kids. It was neat to watch all the kids and guess who they belonged to. That was actually pretty easy - most of them looked just like their fathers. Maybe that is nature's way of making sure daddy sticks around ;)

It was just a little awkward because everyone had spouse stories and kid stories and had neither. I am ok with that - fortunately there were other single women there as well, which made it a little easier.

I held a baby though - I usually try to avoid them - so I won't feel how I am feeling now. She was the cutest thing. Black curly hair and big brown eyes. Shoe could have easily been mine. She slobbed over me and then smiled. How could I resist that? I wanted to take her with me.

I also went to Chau's housewarming which was fun. She has a great place in the city. It's so cute - I just love it. I am in love with the island in the kitchen.

Looked at condos this weekend too - they were in Falls Church and won't be ready until 2007. They were really nice, but not sure how I feel about Falls Church.

I also went to the Nats game with a few Discovery peeps. It was fun to hang out again and in between all that I managed to unpack a few boxes.

Work has been quite the challenge. Sometimes I feel like I am doing fine and then I am blindsided. This past time it was some diva stuff. I don't handle divas well - I am the only diva in my world (that and a couple of my girls) so all that drama was completely unwarranted. But not everyone will like me and that's ok. We will work it out.

MsJ in the City

So it has been awhile since I wrote. Between work and moving, I have barely had time for anything else.

Moving to the city was so worth it! My commute went from 1.25 hours to about 20 minutes. I, now officially have taxation without representation. I suspect that that was the case even before I moved to the District, but I digress.

I also now have a roommate. We are actually good friends - I hope we stay that way. I really didn't want a roommate, but if I had to have one, I am glad it is someone I know.

I must admit that a couple of days before I moved in, I walked around my old place half naked - just because I could. It's not even something I normally do, I just felt compelled to do it since I won't be able to in a long while. Probably a little weird, but I am ok with it.

I love DC so far. I admit I am still looking for the Target - I am, afterall, a surburbanite.

Just a Business Arrangement

I hate liars. I take that back. I hate bad liars. If you are going to lie, make it a good one - at least I can marvel at your creativity. Please don't tell me a bad lie and then get upset when I don't believe it. That makes me think that you think that I am gullible or just plain stupid.

Please don't tell me I misunderstood. Let's be real. In your own pathethic way, you were trying to ask me out. It's ok - I would ask me out too. You told me I looked "really good" in my outfit and you asked me what kinds of things I liked to do. You then went on to tell me about the things you liked to do (which by the way is of no interest to me) and then you bragged about how great you are (which is of even less interest) then you wanted to know when you could see me (hmmm - the 12th of Neveruary sounds good) You called to ask me out to the movies and dinner and I declined.

I heard you did the same thing to another young lady and then when someone checked you on it, you are going to tell me that I misunderstood. You only wanted to meet me with me regarding business. Interesting - what business could we possibly have to discuss - unless you have mistaken me for some sort of escort.... Furthermore, you went on to tell me that you have a wife and two kids - funny how they never came up at all in that mindnumbing chatter of all the things you like to do.

If in fact, you do have a wife and I hope for her sake that you don't, I feel sorry for her. I saw you hitting on at least 2 other women besides me, but I guess that was just business as well. All of us are just confused - it couldn't possibly be that you are a sleazy no-game having bama. Oh and FYI the next time you ask someone out on the premise of a business arrangement - try asking them out for lunch (you know during business hours)- that way they don't have "misunderstandings" Also try not to undress them with your eyes, it might cut down on all the confusion. Just a little tip.

De'ja Who?

When I was at the gym today I ran into someone who thought I looked familiar. I couldn't remember them, but somehow they remembered me. They associated me with my ex. Once he mentioned his name and gave me a few details, the puzzle started to come together. He lives in my neck of the woods - it must be where my ex hangs out, when he calls me in his drunken state at 2am. When me and my ex were living together, he helped him move - not my things, he just helped my ex with his stuff. There he was at they gym with his girlfriend - there's a new concept - spending time together as a couple before midnight.

The fact that I didn't recognize him nor would I recognize most of my ex's friends after seven years of "being together" says volumes about our past relationship. Our lives didn't really intersect at all, which was one of my complaints. But it doesn't matter now.

Everyday I find a new reason to be thankful that that chapter is over.

Thank You Oprah!

Better late than never. It all started with an article in O magazine. That planted the seed. 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size. Even when I read it, I didn't think it applied to me. My god. Now I understand. I wear a different bra size! Who knew? I had no idea. I wonder how long this has been going on? It's just lately, I have been feeling like my bras were instruments of torture. (See Bad Bra Day) But now with this latest trip to Victoria's Secret, it all makes sense.

Life is so much better. Thanks for the intervention, Oprah.

Natural Relaxer

I just can't decide. To relax or not to relax? My hair has been natural for so long, I forgot why I stopped getting relaxers in the first place. It wasn't for a deep, philosophical reason. I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that natural dos seemed to garner more acceptance in the South at the time. Nor was it because I wanted to get in touch with my blackness. I remember at the time there seemed to be a huge controversy over relaxer vs natural. A lot of sistas sporting naturals seemed to think that they had a patent on "blackness" just because they didn't use chemicals. Apparently, if you used chemicals in your hair, you were trying to assimilate and clearly you weren't proud of you are and even more - you didn't even know or appreciate your heritage. Basically you were trying to be white.

I never wanted to be lumped into this category of women simply because I had a natural. I believe it is a personal choice and one is not necesarrily culturally superior to the other. I think it is wonderful to have options.

As I recall, I think my choice to go natural had a lot more to do with the fact that I didn't have the means or desire to maintain a relaxer at the time. The upkeep is easier, but style wise I am a bit more limited. Humidity can destroy a cute look within minutes.

But now, I want more options. I like my natural hair sometimes, but sometimes I want it to be straight, sleek, modern... I wish there was a way to have that without relaxing,, so I could be natural or straight whenever I want.

Although now I can probably afford the upkeep of a relaxer, I hate beauty salons. Actually I hate having to be a salon for 5+ hours at a time. Plus if I got a relaxer, I would have to fix my hair all the time. Now, I can just make a huge curly ponytail and it is still presentable.

What am I to do?

It Must Be Me

Why is it that older people automatically assume that something is wrong with me just because I am not married? I have had several people ask me what's wrong and "I just haven't found the one" just isn't an acceptable response.

Yes I am 30+ and I have never been married.

Clearly, I must be a lesbian.

Or better yet, I must have some deadly disease.

After all, I am attractive, perhaps I just have a personality disorder.

When asked that dreadful question, maybe I could say something like "I am waiting on God to send me the right one" (which is true) or "at least I've never been divorced." (which is also true)

But even truer than the above and my personal favorite is "None of your business" (See, clearly the reason I am not married is because of the personality disorder!)

Check Your Man

Could you please come get your man? I thought you told me you were through with him anyway. I was hoping you meant it. If you were a good girlfriend, I would have to break it down for you. He is an asshole. He shamelessly flirts with me - he is always around which clearly indicates that he has nothing constructive to do. I know you don't trust him because I saw that stunt you pulled earlier. Don't drag me into your drama. Please don't think for one minute that I want him. Hell, I don't even want you to want him.

I can't for the life of me figure out what you see in him. I mean yes he isn't hard on the eye except for that tatoo on his face. What in the world is that about? The tatoo on his face tells me a couple of things - no job or at least not the kind of job that would excite me and questionable common sense. All I can think is that he must be laying some good pipe. But is it really that good?

What would possess you - an educated attractive woman to get involved with a thugged out, smoked out loser like him. He is definitely not my type. I like nice, employed, ambitious men. I am hoping one day you will too.

Godspeed, my sister. Yeah, good luck with that.

TMI?

I can't believe I told him all of that stuff and he still likes me. He knows about some of my skeletons and yet he still calls. I am not sure I should have told him so much so soon, but it is just so easy. I feel like I am not being judged - that I am ok as I am. Maybe there is something to this.

5 Signs You Need to Break Up

1. You spy on your partner to make sure he/she isn't cheating.
2. Your partner disrespects you by shamelessly coming on to other people.
3. She says it's your kid, but....you're not really sure.
4. You're partner does not have a job, doesn't seem to want one and seems perfectly content to mooch off of you.
5 The only time you get along is when you are having sex and apparently that isn't even that good.
6. The police know you by name, because everytime you fight they have to come to break it up.

Ok that was 6, but still...

Most importantly, you need to break up - so I can get some sleep dagnavit! I need my beauty rest - plus you are making me see the beauty in singlehood.

Bad Bra Day

Ever had a bad bra day? What in the world was I thinking when I put that thing on? It is the worst bra ever. I have had it for years and I knew there must have been a reason it was in the back corner of my drawer. It sucks. It's too small and it is itchy and quite frankly I don't know what possessed me to buy it. It doesn't have adjustable straps and it literally mashes them together. So not only did I smaller, I could barely breathe. It just messed up my entire flow for the day. Had it not been for the white shirt I was wearing le brassiere would have been in the trash can. It's not like you can go around all day scratching your chest - that is just not cute and it's not like you can be at work with a white shirt on with no bra - cute, but not professional. So after a long day, a few rain clouds made for what seemed like a longer commute home. I couldn't take it any longer - the bra had to go. I had to resort to the ol under the shirt bra removal techinique right in the middle of traffic. But once I got that thing off, the world seem much better. Before I forget, let me dispose of it, so that I never make that mistake again.

That Don't Impress Me Much

I am not impressed. I don’t care what you do for a living. I don’t care what kind of car you drive. Is that how you bait your conquests? Then you have the nerve to be upset and claim that all women are gold diggers. Clearly the issue is you and what you bring to the table. How do you expect to get more than the superficial is that is all you will offer? Try getting a personality, some self-esteem, and try talking to women like…people. I am just glad you have demonstrated your flow for me so quickly. I’ll pass.

Where Did the Weekend Go?

I can't believe it is already over. You would think I am not moving anywhere, based on how much packing I have done, but I did make time to have a nice weekend. It was great seeing everyone again. Friday it was happy hour at Galaxy to celebrate my girl's promotion and Saturday it was a surprise party for another friend. Good times. Today I was an extra on my friend movie shoot. Fun. And now the weekend is over.

Napoleons Need Not Apply

Bad personality, balding head and small shoe size equals no first date with MsJ.

Race Relations

I got into a discussion with my best friend last night about race relations. She was confronted with her prejudices (which I don't think she realized she had) by her Brazilian friend. Apparently race isn't a big deal in Brazil. That must be really cool - I didn't know such a place could exist. It seems like the social infrastructure of the US is based on race and class. It seems like slowly we evolving into a true melting pot, at least as far as race goes. I think there will always be racial biases, but interracial relationships seem to be more prevalent now than before. I am glad, because I used to worry about my younger cousins who are bi-racial. I used to worry that they would get into fights and be constantly harrassed, but hopefully the climate has changed enough to where we can accept others, no matter their race.

I will admit I have my own biases. I want someone who speaks English as a first language. I want someone who is American or at least Americanized - American culture is probably bizarre to the rest of the world and I can definitely understand that. We are an uptight bunch as a whole. I prefer a black man, but I would date a white guy or maybe..actually I think that is as far as I have evolved. Truth be told, it would really just depend on the person. I know I have my preferences, and I am ok with that.

I am ashamed to admit that when I was younger, I chose not to date this guy, simply because he was white. It started out innocently enough. We became friends - good friends. We began hanging out together and I really enjoyed his company. Before I knew it, he had popped the question. "Would you ever date a white guy?" All of a sudden, I was dumbfounded. I had never really thought about it. But then flashes of all the drama my cousin went through when she first brought her white boyfriend home (who is now her husband), how her parents didn't come to her wedding... and I said "no". It was too painful, it was too - dramatic. His face dropped when I said that and I felt horrible. I really liked him, he was polite, nice, funny and drop dead gorgeous and I just loved his Southern accent. But I couldn't do it. He kissed me on the cheek, but things were never quite the same after that. We were still cordial, and we tried to pretend everything was normal, but it just wasn't. I wished we'd kept in touch. I could ask him to forgive me for being such a dope. Ah, live and learn.