Cold Feet

I am not sure if I can do it....

Hormone Overload

At least I hope that's what it is or it could be post holiday blues. I woke up dreading the coming work day. Sometimes I just feel really burned out. I have a really hard job and it's hard mainly because it's thankless. You get none of the glory when things go well and all of the blame when things go wrong and you are responsible for every minute detail and I have the added bonus of having to deal with one of the whiniest crews I've ever seen. They complain about everything - it's unbelievable - like having to sign in and out. Well, you couldn't seem to get to work on time before then, so....Sometimes the staff is harder to deal with than the clients. Actually most of my clients are great - I think that is what makes the job bearable and even fun at times.

To make my job even more fun, I have quite a few well meaning co-workers constantly telling me how to do my job. It's nice to have people second guessing you all day. It's ok every once in awhile, but I am not incompetent and I have a large workload - so my having to stop to reassure someone who really isn't involved in the situation makes it harder for me to focus on what I am doing.

Sometimes I feel so scatterbrained because I have to stop and change gears all the time. Changing gears is ok, except when I end up in reverse. I guess I have to find a way to walk the tightrope and maintain my balance.

I thought I would hurt a couple of people today, but it's all good. Tomorrow is a new day.

Melancholy Friday

I had a great a Thankgiving. The meeting with the parents went swell. I was nervous up until I got there, but as soon as we got to their place, I was fine. I really like his family. I could only hope that he would feel the same about mine. I guess that will come later.

For some reason today, I feel melancholy. I think it might be the pre-birthday blues. It does usually hit me right after Thanksgiving. I didn't have it last year and this past year turned out to be a lot different than I could have ever imagined. I got a new job, a new boyfriend, and a more positive outlook. So why I am feeling this way? I have no idea!

I am bummed and I really don't know why. Maybe because it is so ridiculously cold outside. I went shopping today picked up a few gifts. Sometimes gift shopping is stressful - my family is hard to shop for. I got a few things from Victoria's Secret and I think I will hit Borders - and maybe pick up some of those AMEX gift cards - those are great.

I was a little bummed that I couldn't get the ihome at Linens N Things for $70 - they were sold out befroe I got there. I guess I am not the earliest of early birds. That would have been a gift for myself. I did end up buying myself a luggage set - it was long overdue. I was down to one piece that is falling apart. It is almost 10 years old and has served its usefulness. I got a red set, so that it will stand out a little.

There is a small part of me that feels guilty when I look for things for myself at this time of year. But really before Christmas, comes my birthday and I have started to make a point of doing something nice for myself. Maybe the luggage isn't all that exciting - it is more of something I need rather than want - I guess.

And now I am obssessed with Michelle's bag. I mean, I don't want one exactly like it, because she found it first - such great taste, but I have been obssessed with Coach bags since high school. Maybe this year, I will finally get one.

I am rambling. I was hoping that if I kept typing I would figure out what the heck is bothering me. But who knows? Now that I think of it, my monthly visitor is looming. Perhaps that is the cause of my state of mind. It makes sense. I tend to become sketchy, depressed for no apparent reason and irritable.

I want chips/salsa and a tall margarita. Maybe that will lift the blues.

The Big B is Back

I have to admit, I felt a little pressured. I hate having to be the Big B, but I had to stand my ground. I think I compromised as much I possibly could. But I thought I made it clear what I wanted to do and why. I am sure it turned out to be a nice project, I just had been too personally involved with it to care. I will say congratulations - but not much more. I think one person is being manipulated by the other one, but that isn't my business - but there is no way in the world I will support the manipulator. I can't stand that wench.

There are very few people I don't like, but she is darn close to the top of the list. In my dealings with her, she was extremely domineering, controlling and manipulative. She often tried to use guilt as a means to get her way with me - probably not a good tactic. How about just being straight up and treating me like an equal and perhaps respecting my right to disagree? There's a thought - a mature adult relationship.... I think she is a self-centered so and so with a lot of insecurities. Clearly, I am not a therapist, so I am not equipped to deal with that type of psychopathic behavior....

I said all that to say - I hated having to be the Big B - it would have never happened had I not been in the situation to begin with - which in all fairness - I tried to avoid. Perhaps I wasn't as articulate as I should have been - maybe my saying that I simply dislike someone isn't descriptive enough - perhaps I should have just said no and left it at that.

Revisionist History?

Did I miss something? Didn't we go to war because of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction? Weren't we all so moved by the president's claims of mushroom clouds and uranium tubing that were all part of Iraq's "nookular" weapons program?

OK, so I wasn't moved and I didn't agree with it to begin with, mainly because the rest of the world didn't seem to have access to all the "intelligence" that we had prior to war....bit I digress.

Smoking Ban in the District?

The DC government is considering imposing a smoking ban, similar to the bans in Montgomery county and LA. The decision may come before the New Year. To that, I say hallelujah! Non-smokers like to go out too! (and not come home smelling like an ashtray). That is actually one of my biggest pet peeves about nightlife is the smoke. Too much of it gives me a headache and I am not a big fan of the smell. Not to mention the health risks. I have my own addictions, but at least they don't affect other people. At any rate, I would be pleased with a smoking ban. It is great feeling to go into a bar or club and not feel suffocated with the stench of smoke.

I also hate to have my clothes and hair reek of smoke. If I go to church the next morning, there almost certainly not enough to get up and wash the do, but I wouldn't want to go with my hair smelling like that - people might think I had too much fun the night before. I don't really care what people think - I just hate the smell, so much so that I didn't want to go out after I got my relaxer - because I didn't want to have to wash my hair.

There are a few studies that suggests that a smoking ban would have a negative impact on some of the local bars, particularly the mom and pop type bars. I don't really know how true that is - but all I know is that there are a lot more non-smokers than not - so maybe that might attract more clientele.

Since my place is not capable of DirectTV, I often go to bars on Sunday to watch football - and often it is a smokefest. It is an annoying side effect of going out. I used to want to open a non-smoking club - but I don't know if my passion exceeds my drive to do that. But I think it would do well.

I guess smokers need love too, but it seems that most places (where smoking isn't banned) caters to smokers. Apparently football fans are all smokers. Some of my friends are smokers and I love them, but I don't care so much for the second-hand smoke. I think it is possible to still have fun and be smoke-free.

Meet the Parents

I suppose this has gone on long enough. But why does it have to be on Thanksgiving? I guess since it is a family holiday and since I am not going home to visit my folks... I was thinking of doing absolutely nothing on Thanksgiving. I would actually be content to just sleep and possibly watch football and make a couple of seafood dishes and just be happy I am not working.

But it is time. We have been dating long enough.... I already had a surprise meeting with mom. We got up and went to what I thought was a random church, but it turned out to be his mom's church (that would have been nice to know ahead of time) and that is how I met his mom. It was a brief (and awkward for me) meeting, but she seemed really nice. (That was real slick, T)

I am still not sure I am ready for a family dinner. While I worry about awkward pauses, I will plan on making a dish and then worry that it comes out well. Sounds fun.

A Change is Gonna Come

I must admit I don't enthusiastically embrace change, particularly when it involves my livelihood. This change seems to be without direction or maybe the direction hasn't been revealed. The uncertainty makes me feel unstable. I hate not knowing - and I realize that some things aren't meant for me to know - but the change appeared so - sudden, but it seemed to be very calculated. It certainly didn't happen overnight.

Can someone tell me what's going on?

Love in Any Language

I witnessed one of the most beautiful things this morning at Starbucks. I was watching this family interact. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I could see the love between them. It was an older couple and their adult daughter. It looked as though the parents were leaving after a visit, perhaps to the States. They had their luggage so I could only guess that they were leaving. They kissed their daughter and I wondered if the mother saw herself in her daughter, when she looked at her. The daughter looked like a younger version of her mother. They said their goodbyes and the daughter ventured off, leaving her parents to their dreams for her.

It's hard to explain, but you could feel the love between them - it was truly a beautiful thing.

Hair Raisin

So I did it, I went to the salon and got my hair relaxed. And it looks awesome! I don't know why I was so conflicted about it. Well actually after thinking about it, I do understand where my angst came from. It came from everyone else. I am insecure about a lot of things, but my hair is not usually one of them. I do occasionally get upset when I have a bad hair day.

In a lot of instances, when I mentioned that I wanted to get my hair relaxed people would tell me that I shouldn't for a myriad of reasons. Some people would say I shouldn't because I have "good hair" - sigh - are we still singing that song? Or others would tell me that all I had to do was blow it out or that I should just love my hair. The truth is - it's just hair to me. The truth is I know my hair better than anyone and it is not a particularly enjoyable experience blowing it out. It is tiring and the results are short lived for the amount of time involved. And although I love a lot of the natural styles, it took longer than I was willing to spend to have some of them done. 8 hours for braids or twists and it costs a lot of money.

The truth is - I was ready for a change. When I am ready for another change, perhaps I will go back to basics. And yes, I do love my hair. I loved it while it was natural and I love it now that it is relaxed. It doesn't change who I am.

But I must admit, when my hair looks good (this is not to say that I didn't like it before), I feel better - which helps my confidence - and people do respond to me differently now - which may work out to my advantage in the long run.

I think it's funny and maybe a little sad that some people treat me differently now that my hair is straight. Some of the men who used to ignore me seem to fall over themselves trying to talk to me. Now all of a sudden - I am attractive. Or I have the reverse (usually with women) like "why did you do that?" "Your hair was so cute before." Ok....how am I supposed to respond to that. Why do people say things like that? I think it is actually quite rude. These aren't people that I am cool like that with - they are just random people - acquaintances.

I am still the same person. I guess everyone has an opinion - which is cool. Getting to the root of it, I did it because I wanted to (why does anyone do the things they do?) I don't care who approves and who doesn't- it's just hair and it is only a small portion of who I am.

The Queen Rules

While I was at the hair salon, I heard the most beautiful angelic voice coming through the CD speakers. I was so impressed that I inquired about the songstress - only to find out that it was Dana Owens. That name really didn't ring a bell with me until my stylist said 'otherwise known as Queen Latifah'. My jaw dropped - I had no idea she had such an amazing voice. I can't believe I slept on it for this long. How long ago did "Chicago" come out... Anyway, it is a jazz album and it is one of the best I have heard in a long time. I think it shows off her range and has given me a new respect for her. I love her rendition of California Dreamin' and I Put a Spell on You. If you've lost that lovin feelin', this might help you get it back.

This is a good one for the collection.