Boomerang

Lately I've been feeling like my life has been an ongoing drama. Part of it is definitely self created and perpetuated - I will admit that. But a lot of it lately has been beyond my self control.

So the ex texted me a few times and I did call him back eventually because quite frankly I wanted to get it over with. Talking to him was something I dreaded for so long and I just wanted to not think about it anymore. He had nothing to say that was of interest to me. I am really not sure I got the point. He wanted to know why I dislike him (as if I have that kind of time). He recalled that I managed to be friends with my exes and wondered why that wasn't the case with us. I felt my blood pressure rising but I refused to get into a replay of our misbegotten relationship.

I said simply that we don't have anything in common and I see no reason why we need to be in communication. That's the most honest answer I can offer. I have no desire to be anything to him. He told me about his last relationship - how perfect this new lady was for him. She cooked, blah, blah, blah.... all the stuff I stopped doing. He said that she wanted to take it to the next level, but he broke it off with her. So, let me get this straight - you have the perfect woman for you. She wants to be with you and you break it off and for some unknown reason you are telling me about it.

I am not sure why that information would have been important to me. I guess it goes to show that not even "perfect" is good enough for him. I was far from perfect and I was more than aware of that. I have come to terms with my imperfections and it's a package deal - you get the good with the bad.

So I am like oh, really or some sort of non-descript verbiage, hopefully sending the message that I don't care. He then tells me that he's changed. Almost sounds like the person I could have liked. He actually likes to do things now. When we were together, he never wanted to do things together - getting him to go the movies was a chore and that's pretty basic. I often ended up going out by myself or as a third wheel or fifth wheel - which was just enough to be annoying. Anytime a man asked I was stupid enough to say yes I have a boyfriend and when asked where he was I would feel even worse....ahhh good times.

So that being said I am glad that is over. So the conversation ended again with me saying I don't see any reason for us to talk.

In the middle of all this I mentioned that my mom was in the hospital which is infinitely more important than my conversation with him and I actually was thinking about her during the entire conversation.

In my mind, there is nothing more to say. He sends me a text. "Can you pick me up from the airport on Friday?" Um, why in the world would I do that? That would require not only talking to you, but seeing you....my response was that I might be out of town which was true - if my mom didn't seem like she was improving I was planning on flying home. So his follow up text was something like: "well maybe we can meet for lunch" I haven't responded to that. I mean seriously....

I was actually hoping he was calling to tell me he was getting married. I had my congratulations speech preprared and I thought I even say a prayer for the bride to be (she'd need it)...but it was just him fishing. I don't expect him to give up. I don't know what he wants - I think it would be egotistical on my part to assume he wants me back. It would also be silly on his part.

I wasn't even planning on blogging about this, so I blog about the other stuff later....

Choices

I just can't seem to get this film out of my life. Everytime I try to forget about it, someone or something pulls me back in. Apparently burial isn't enough to contain the dead. So it's back to trying to complete this thing.

It's ok - I have decided that this is the year for completion. So I guess this will make force me to follow through.

It also forces me to be very selective about what I start.

The Heart of the Matter

So I have finally decided that I need to heal completely from my last disastrous relationship - and I realized that after all this time the one thing I never did (or even considered) was forgive. It never even occurred to me that I needed to - I have been so emotionally numb from the whole experience that I just blocked it from the forefront of my mind. But now it is time to let go and move on. It's not fair to anyone else that comes into my life to still be hanging on to unresolved baggage - yes - X - you told me so....

So in an attempt to start this forgiveness process and I am not sure why it has been so difficult. I have been able to forgive others who have done some pretty reprehensible things.

So I started this forgiveness letter and I have to admit I got a little stuck after section 1. Section 1 is where you write down all the the reasons why you resent the person or behavior and all told I have almost 3 pages of resentments...I even thought of more while I was in the shower this morning.

Section 2 is the part where you write down the reasons you appreciate the person. Hmmm, still thinking - I am sure there must be something... I mean, maybe it is a bit pre-mature for me to write this section. Of course, he has his good points. I just can't think of what they are right now.

So I think I will pray on that and continue this process - I guess it sometimes is not an overnight process. I guess that's why I put if off for so long. I found myself getting so angry and then I noticed a bit of a pattern. It was like reliving the experience, but just the bad parts. I don't want to relive it - I don't ever want to feel that frustrated and angry again.

So forgiveness is my only option, so that when I think about that time in my life, it doesn't hurt so much and that I only see it for the learning experience that it was.

I have to put a stop to it, for my own good - so I have begun the process. I admit that I'm at this place kicking and screaming, but I know there is no other option (other than going crazy or becoming bitter) and I can't do that.

So there you have it.