I Will If I Have To

I really don't like unwanted attention. I hate having to reject someone. I try to do it subtlely, but some guys just don't take the hint. They mistake my obvious disinterest for playing hard to get. I just hate conflict because you never know how someone will react. The creepy guy at the gym is at it again. Very few people creep me out, but he does. Probably because for awhile, he would never say anything, but he'd magically show up everytime I was bending over and I would see him staring at me. Makes me want to cringe just thinking about it. Finally he spoke to me and he mentioned that it seemed like I had an attitude every time he came near me...Gee, and you're perceptive too - and yet here you are still trying to talk to me. He didn't have the nerve to try to talk to me today, he just stared. Apparently he is some sort of trainer which is a hard sell - considering he's about 5'5 both ways. A short fat trainer... and not to mention he looks old enough to be my father. Whatever.....

The Spirit is Strong....

I am stronger than my hormones....
I am stronger than my hormones....
I am stronger than my hormones....

AC, Baby

This weekend was interesting to say the least. I spent the weekend in Atlantic City for a bachelorette party for one of my friends. Overall, I would say I had a really good time. I shook my booty a little, shared a couple of secrets and won a little cash. No trip with seven women is without its share of drama and we had a good bit of that, but what happened there, stays there. It was great to get away. I needed a break in the worst way. I am already planning my next trip, which will have something to do with a beach and a bathing suit.

Character Line

My eye looks amazing. Thank you God for allowing my face to heal so nicely. Thank you plastic surgeon for sewing me up, and mainly for enduring my incessant worrying. It's just a little line right above my eyebrow - hardly noticeable to people who don't know what happened.

Could You Walk On Water While You're At It?

Could you love me unconditionally, can you be at my beck and call 24/7? Can you not ask me where I am going and when I am coming back, but give me a detailed itinerary of your comings and goings? I'm a man, I am handling my business, and how I spend my time is none of yours, but can you have dinner ready for me when I walk through the door and uh - wear something sexy. Can you wash and fold my drawers because afterall that's woman's work. Oh, can you be sensitive to all my quirks and idiosyncrasies, while I call you crazy and weird because of yours? Can you understand that I can't treat you nicely until you put out? And that foreplay thing - so overrated. It should be enough that I pulled my pants down - what, that's not enough - I don't know why you be trippin. Can you please not expect me to hold you - I told you, I am not that affectionate. Can you not get irritated when I see you carrying 5-6 bags of groceries and I don't offer to help - you're doing good, besides your muscles will get stronger. Can you trust me 100% even though I refuse to talk to you? Can you be excited about everything that is happening for ME? Can we do everything MY way, because you don't know what you are talking about and MY way is the ONLY way. Can you respect the fact that I am an old-fashioned man, meaning you do what I say - period? Can you cook and fix my plate - and stop wearing those sweats? Can I ignore your feelings entirely or even better apologize to get you to shut up and then do the same thing that irritated you in the first place over and over? Is it ok if I place everything and everyone else in my life above you, especially since I keep telling you that I plan on marrying you? Can I make you think I plan on marrying you just to keep you interested? Heck I would marry you, if you only act right... Oh and while you are up, can you grab me a beer?

Look! It's a Spine!

I am so proud of myself. I did something I have been comtemplating for awhile now. I resigned from the church ministry, without regret and without apology. It's something I have been thinking about since last year, but particularly in the new year. I did it honestly - without making up thinly veiled excuses. The truth is I don't have the energy or desire to do it anymore. It was becoming more of a burden to me. I felt I was giving a lot while receiving very little in return. I just wasn't getting any personal satisfaction from it and that is way too far to drive to be angry the entire time.

This is all part of the Spring Cleaning initiative. I am constantly redefining my life to match my innermost desires. It's long overdue. I am being honest with myself and am starting to feel worthy enough to express my desires.

A Whiff of Fresh Air

I enjoyed the ride home from work so much I had to write about it. The weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold. I rode with the windows down (the only way to roll) with the pod blasting - ahhh fantastic. Bliss if only temporary!

The Project From Hell

Leave it to me to encounter every possible problem with this nightmare, both imaginable and unimaginable all because I didn't follow my instinct. I want my life back.

Randomania

I had a rough weekend. I don't know how I would have made it through it without three of my friends. I was feeling so sad and lonely. I was feeling frustrated because it seems like nothing is going right and I don't have any control over anything right now. I was feeling irritated because the men (and I use that term loosely) in my life (and by in my life, I mean not really)are such collosal jerks, I can't even take it.

I made the decision to be single, and I think it was a good choice. I would rather be single than to keep going through the same cycle. But dating makes me wonder if I will ever find someone - ever.... Maybe I am meant to be alone, I don't know. I think I deserve better, but maybe my standards are too high. Maybe wanting someone to treat me with respect and love me is WAY too much to hope for. Maybe wanting someone to get to know me before trying to poke me is just out of reach. Maybe in the world of me, true love is like the holy grail. (Does that really even exist by the way?)

So the Ex calls me and starts rambling on and on about some ceiling fan (yawn, snooze, are you done yet? oh okay, good - I have something I need to do) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU - I AM NOT INTERESTED. NOT ONLY AM I NOT INTERESTED, IT PISSES ME OFF, so please just stop.

Then to call me later that night, by later I mean past midnight - with this endearing invitation: "So are you going over or not?" Hmmm, let me think about that - HELL NO! Why do you even ask me such stupid questions? NO I AM NOT COMING OVER - I HAVE NO INTEREST IN COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE! I hate everything about it. I am not using my time or gas money to venture out your way only to get myself angry. It would just be another worthless evening.

We don't have anything left. I don't have much to say and I have no interest in waht you have to say. We are and have been at a stalemate. Fine - I am not compromisinng. If you can't understand why I needed to be treated well, regardless of....don't even get me started. My blood pressure is going up. The point is, I am not interested in your booty calls. I want a real relationship.

That being said, how many booty calls can you get in one weekend? Different guy, but he didn't get a chance to ask, but I knew where it was headed. NO. I want a real relationship. I would just rather wait for the right one (which I hope he exists) than to waste the pretty on all these losers.

Oh yeah, by the way Jersey Boy, stop calling. I am not interested. It's not you, it's me ;)

So my friends made it a lot better. I went to a film premiere with one and she brought me eggs. She noticed Safeway was having a special and she got me some. That was so great. So thoughtful - such a small thing, but it made my night. My other friend, what can I say? He is always so thoughtful - he is one of the people I feel I can call when things are crazy and he will have my back. And my best friend, sometimes I hate that we aren't in the same city, but I am glad we stay in touch. I got just as upset abouther situation as she was with mine. There was something about that whole ankle thing that really pissed me off - but I digress. Thanks for listening to me.

Tax In, Tax Out

I finally finished my taxes. I actually finished them Thursday evening, but I didn't print them out until Friday. I was hoping that if I didn't print them, then the amount I owe would somehow disappear. Seeing it on paper makes it all too real for me. I have to mention, I hate Maryland. I always have to pay them - every year - daggum locality tax! Even when I was primarily on unemployment and my income was below the poverty line, I still had to pay them. Bamas.... This year, I am on a mission to find more deductions to reduce my taxes. I think it is too late to have a kid for the 2005 tax year, so I will have to think of some other things.... Did I mention that Maryland sucks - I guess if I had done the math a little earlier, I wouldn't be so shocked and appalled at the dent that will make in my savings. I certainly had other plans for that money.

How to Lose Ms.J in 10 Days (or less)

1. Call 3-5 times a day, and then act paranoid when I don't have time to talk.
I actually have to do work at my job....


2. Bug me about sending you a picture of me, and act impatient when I say I'll have to find one. I don't just have pictures of me laying around. And you already know what I look like.

3. Criticize my clothing. So I am not the most conservative woman you ever met. But I was dressed that way when you met me. If you didn't like it, you shouldn't have tried to holla.

4. Offer unsolicited advice - more like orders.... hmmm, I never had a father. I don't have much use for one now.

5. Go out on one date with me, and then act like...we are (for lack of a better phrase) going steady :). But maybe that's not what I mean. I mean act like...you own me. Granted, we had a nice date, but....that was just one time.

6. Make comments about my body. Not smooth, not complimentary, not cool. That doesn't speak to heart or soul or anything. Every woman has breasts, hips, legs, thighs etc. I already know what my body looks like. I am much more than a body. If you want my attention, you need to speak to my heart or at least my mind....

7. Start making not so subtle hints about spending the night. Not gonna happen buddy. I don't know you like that.

8. Ask questions like "how do I like to please a man?". That's between me and the man I decide to please, and believe me, he won't have to ask.

9. Ask even more annoying questions like, "do you like to kiss?" What kind of question is that? My answer: depends on the person. His response: Do you like to kiss me? My answer: Time will tell. What I should have said: "If you have to ask, then you have your answer, or how about this, I haven't ever kissed you before, and at this point I am not planning on it." I mean what in the world! Who asks questions like that? What was he expecting: Yes baby, oooohhhh I love kissing you -Am I in the twilight zone?

10. And to top off the annoying questions, "what do I like to do?" Ordinarily, this would be a normal question right? But we had already covered this - he'd clearly shifted the mood to an after hours theme. The sentence before was how sore he was from playing basketball, and it would do him good to have my hands all over him... Hmmm, again was I suppose to give him a run down of all my favorite positions and toys, and locations? Instead, I asked him what was on his mind....he couldn't give me a straight answer. I hate cat and mouse. You clearly have no game - so just say what it is you want. You ain't gonna get it, but at least we can be real.


I DON'T KNOW YOU! I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SHARE A BED WITH YOU! I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BECOME YOUR POSSESSION OR OBJECT. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE CONTROLLED BY YOU OR ANYONE ELSE.

What I was hoping for was to get to know you.... become friends and take it slow. But since I don't like you, that's not gonna happen.

Peace out!

Next Time, Use a Glove!

In all my years of playing sports, I have never had a serious injury - until yesterday. It's probably better to use a glove to catch a ball than, um... your face. Much more effective, a lot less painful.

It all happened so fast. It is so surreal, until I look in the mirror. I was trying to catch a ball and the sun got in my eyes for a second and smack...the ball hit me right in the eye.

I staggered backwards for a moment - I htink more from shock than anything else. I started bleeding and since I couldn't see where the blood was coming from, I thought my eyeball was bleeding. I was a little freaked out. How did my eye look, was it still there. As it turned out I had a pretty big laceration (you like the doctor lingo) above my eyebrow.

One of my teammates was gracious enough to take me to the hospital. The whole time I was worried about my face - how would it look, how would it look, and...how would it look? I wasn't worried about the pain, the headache, none of that, just how would my face look...yes I am a little vain.

Finally the doctor showed up and I got stitches (I am not sure how many) People keep asking me that - I have no idea -I just hope that...you guessed it....that my face will be restored and that the scarring is barely visible.

Right now, my eye is swollen and I look like a domestic violence case, but I can assure you there are no IKE's in my life.

This hasn't spoiled me on softball or sports...it's just a wake up call. I love sports, but I can assure you, the next time I will have my shades on, and I will use my glove!

Breakfast Food at Dinner Time Is

so sexy. I love it. Thank you Eggspectations.

Boyfriend, Anyone?

I want a boyfriend. I will even settle for a pretend boyfriend. I just need a little romance and perhaps a connection....

My First Mammogram

Today I had my first mammogram. It was a strange experience. It was a little uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. They mash your breast into this plate and take pictures. It sounds a lot worse than it is. It's more like a little pinch and it is very fast.

Thankfully, I am normal.

That Little Voice

It pays to listen to that still small voice in your head. I guess it is called instincts. Had I listened to them, I could have saved myself of world of trouble and possibly my weekend....

A Little About Me

Birth date: As If!

Eye color: Brown

Hair color: Black/Brown

Favorite TV shows: America's Next Top Model; Various sports programming, What I Like About You, My Super Sweet Sixteen

What's on your mousepad: plain

In the car- ac or windows: thankfully my AC works, but I prefer riding with the windows down.

Favorite game: Celebrity Bowl, Scattergories, Spades

Favorite drink: Soft: Peach Papaya Fruit Drink or a Mango Smoothie; Spirited: Sangria, Mango Mojito, or Margarita on the rocks, with salt

Favorite food: Red Snapper with fresh veggies; salad, oreo milkshake

Favorite colors: orange, green, yellow, purple, tan - I like most colors. Burnt Orange is probably my favorite.

Favorite sounds: The sweet sounds of Ms J's Pod, baby.

Favorite smell: A freshly showered man, with a small hint of cologne.

Favorite thing to do on a weekend: play some sort of team sport, go out, relax

Favorite soundtrack: Hmmm, nothing immediately comes to mind.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years: I see myself in a leadership role - hopefully running my own business. Hopefully happily married with a couple of kids in a nice neighborhood.

First thought in the morning: Depends...most times, I am happy to get up. Probably, "gotta hit the gym"

Do you get motion sickness: nope, but I am a little claustrophobic.

Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: It used to be exciting, but now that I am a little older - still exciting, but not the second time around.

How many rings before you answer the phone: Depends on the caller ID

Chocolate or Vanilla cake: . Yellow

What do you drive: I drive many of the people around me nuts.

Thunderstorms cool or scary: neither cool, nor scary

If you could meet one person in the World, who would it be: Oprah

What is your zodiac sign: Sagittarius

If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be: My hair rocks the way it is... but I am thinking of lightening up a little for the spring.

If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: eh...maybe a jaguar (the animal) very small and it would be in a place that would not be for public viewing.

Favorite brand of gum: Some sort of sugar free gum - Orbitz or Dentyne

Have you ever been in love: Yep - I am in love now and I always will be (with me)

What's on your walls in your room: I have some curtains; haven't hung the pictures yet

Is the glass half-empty or half-full: always half full ;)

Which do you prefer- Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos: Nacho Cheese

Favorite flavor Snapple: Peach Iced Tea

Which one, Coke or Pepsi: Diet Coke w/ Lime

Which kind of milk is your favorite: Skim

Are you a righty, lefty, or ambidextrous: Lefty

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: sometimes

When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you notice their: smile, height, personality

What's under your bed: hopefully nothing

What's the best number in the World: 7 (as in figures I would like to make)

What is your dream car: Convertible Sebring and a 300 series BMW fully loaded

Nickname: Ms J

Bacon Bits Or croutons: Croutons

Favorite Salad Dressing: Fat Free Italian, if any at all

What type of Shampoo/Conditioner: Pantene for Women of Color

Have you ever been skinny dipping: no, but it is on the list of things to do

Have you ever been convicted of a crime: no

One pillow or two: three

Pets: no

Favorite Movie: How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days (current) most of my favorite movies are chick flicks

Favorite type of music: Rock, Pop, Gospel, some R&B, Alternative, etc. etc.

Hobbies: Writing, procrastinating, sports, shopping....

Hidden Talents: they should probably remain hidden

Word or Phrase you overuse: Are You Kidding Me?

Toothpaste: Crest Whitening

Piercing or tattoos: Piercing - Ears

Do you get along with your parents: I get along with my mom famously. I don't have a relationship at all with my dad.

Favorite beer: I have never had beer before in my entire life.

Favorite song at the moment: "Til the Sun Comes Up" - John Legend, and "I Believe" (When I Fall in Love) - Stevie Wonder

Most humiliating moment: The boob incident at a friend wedding, who knew one could pop right out in the middle of the dance floor? I am sure I will have many more moments...


Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Different Men, Same Result

What is it with men and instructions? I just don't get it. I had the weirdest sense of deja'vu tonight. How is it possible to send someone out with written instructions and they still come back with the wrong thing? Did I miss something?

Anyone who knows me well, knows how picky I am, so if I write out what I want, I mean just that - nothing more, nothing less. But I much rather have the nothing less than the nothing more when it comes to food.

So dinner for tonight was Chipotle - a treat I haven't had in a spell, so I was pretty excited. So I nicely wrote out everything I wanted and nothing I didn't. When I get my burrito, there's sour cream - everywhere. I HATE SOUR CREAM. I am not a big fan of condiments anyway, but I despise SOUR CREAM. You can't even scrape it off because it has integrated itself with every last bit of my burrito.

Arrrghhh. How could the sour cream come back to haunt me? Not once did I mention sour cream, because I hate it....and now I am hungry, really hungry. It's kinda funny when I get past the growl of my stomach.

Picture it - Early Silver Spring 2004 - the same thing, different man (and he really had no excuse, because he knows me) My burrito has a big honkin heap of sour cream! (uh, I thought you wanted sour cream) - hmmm, do you see it written on the sheet of paper I gave you? - "Uh, no," is the reply. THEN WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WANTED IT? Did you think I wrote out a list (a very detailed list) only for you to assume that I wanted sour cream?

It's a fine line for me...because I don't want to sound unappreciative. I do appreciate the sentiment and the effort. But why bother, if you can't get it right?