Ghosts from the Past

Ok, God are you trying to tell me something? Clearly avoidance isn't the right direction for me...I made a decision to not think about the past and now all of sudden little reminders are just showing up out of nowhere. Last week, one of my best friends called and asked if it was ok to give my phone number to my ex because he needs to have a reference checked. I reuluctantly agreed, and later that evening we talked. It was the most awkward 20 minutes ever.

The truth is... I really don't have anything to say. I agreed to allow the lady to call about his reference, but beyond that, what more should there be to discuss? I thought maybe eventually our paths would cross, but uh... it's not a thought that is exactly thrilling for me. During our relationship, I went from rage to indifference and now I don't know how I feel.

I feel - stressed out... - stressed out becuase he still knows how to push my buttons - annoyed with myself for allowing it. So the conversation was all weird, but not as unpleasant as I anticipated, because I tried (unsuccessfully) to steer it away from anything personal or anything that happened between us. You know, the weather, how's your mom type of thing...but of course he had to volunteer some unsolicited personal information about himself...he broke up with his girlfriend a couple months ago. Why would I care? So I say- hmmm, I didn't want to know about that at all, but he assumes that because he volunteered this tidbit of information that it gives him license to ask me about my personal life. None of your business - boy I am getting really tired "Yes I am seeing someone."

It's been real....blah blah blah goodbye Have a nice life So that was the basic discussion.. and of course when I get off the phone - I have to reassure my current that I don't want to get back together with my ex. That was fun.

So last night, I get this text message from my ex... "did she call yet?" My reply: "not yet" His response: "Ok, why do you dislike me?" My reaction: stress and every bad feeling I ever had about him rushes to the forefront of my mind. This is classic ex behavior - it's his way of baiting me into a pointless discussion that leads to... him somehow being in my life. I have been down this road too many times not to recognize it.

He asks some crazy question all out of the blue - because I never once in that conversation said or suggested that I dislike him. So where in the world is that coming from - it's to get me to say either - I don't dislike you or go back through all the darn good reasons I could have for disliking him. But why would I expend the energy? Why I am so bothered by this?

I think what is most upsetting to me is that I've allowed him to get me upset. Now he wants me to call him. I don't think that is a good idea...

And to top it off - I ran into my cousin's soon to be ex-husband at the airport Monday morning. He was seeing his "friend" off. If only I could have arrived seconds later or earlier. Talk about awkward.

We were friends at one point, but when their problems progressed and he began to say bad things about her - that put a strain on the relationship - not to mention the restaining order.... He had the nerve to bring it up - and I let him know I didn't want to talk about it. He even tried to talk about my aunt - they definitely had their differences - but there is no way I am going to entertain a discussion when someone is saying disparing things about anyone in my family.

Since he is no longer family - and the divorce is really ugly - there really isn't much for me to say. All I want is for him to do right by my cousin and their children and since I don't anticipate him being mature about everything (based on past experience) then we can't be cool. He had the absolute gall to suggest that she married him for his money. I know for a fact that he did not have any money back then. Her dad gave him the money to help start his business and money for the down payment - what an asshole. And then he wants to talk smack...they help take care of his kids for crying out loud.

I think what upsets me most is that he says bad things about my family to his kids. How immature. He shouldn't be dragging the kids into their drama. It's so unnecessary.

Anyway, seeing him made me think about one of my own issues that I am struggling with and I am sure it wasn't coincidental - thanks God for keeping me in check.

Clearly I Am Crazy

I said quite a few things today that I wish I could take back. Perhaps I freaked him out - maybe I should have said it sooner - I just never thought to do it. Now after gauging the reaction, maybe I should have never said anything at all. Ok, so I am weird and this posting makes no sense. I am embarrassed to say what I said, because if the person who loves me responded that way, then...I can only imagine. It's like I felt comfortable enough to reveal something about me with him and only to feel completely uneasy about sharing it - like I am truly a freak of nature. Maybe it was just too bizarre or weird.

On a different note, Easter was great. I worked at church and it was actually a lot more enjoyable than I imagined. I enjoyed the sermons (I was at all three services), but especially the singing. I really need to work on my relationship with God. After church, I went for a jog which was awesome - it was quick, but just long enough to give me the "runner's high".

I don't know what to think about work. I am not totally comfortable with everything, but I am not sure what to do about it. Really there is not much for me to do. I just hate some of the things that are going on and at times it is really hard to accept some of the decisions that have been made. It was nice that one of my favorite freelancers is back - because at least now I have someone I can talk to. I can talk to her in a way that I can't really talk to other people. There is another woman there who I enjoy talking to, but with my freelance friend I can speak in my native tongue (slang). I don't feel like I have to be all "professional".

I found myself slipping to an uncomfortable comfort level with my boss, because a couple of times I slipped into my native tongue and I hate that. He caught it one time to and said something about it. I don't know why, but it really bothered me. It bothered me because I don't feel I can do that because I think people are always judging me. It could be paranoia but I think there is something to that. It's like I have two entirely different persona's - and I don't like for the two to ever mix. But on some level, I don't feel like I can ever be my "real" self at work - because of the perception that I am less intelligent than....

As I write this, I think - that is ridiculous. I should be able to be myself but I am not going to do it! My livelihood is too important. Maybe as time progresses....

Clearly I am crazy.

Dream City

So I have been having the strangest dreams lately - now that I finally stopped having the dream of me having a bi-racial child (father unknown) I have had far more bizarre dreams as of late. Monday night, I dreamed I was being framed by terrorists. They found the means to invade the condo while we are at work and they left behind pages and pages of formulas for chemical bombs (complete with skulls and everything) - I guess that's how I knew in the dream they were equations for bombs.... at any rate I would come home and each day they would leave behimd something that let me know they were there - a new page of formulas left neatly on my desk, strange chemicals left in the refrigerator or medicine cabinet and unmarked boxes that I was too afraid to open. I would frantically search the house for bombs and just as I was closing in on the bomb and the identity of the terrorist was about to be revealed, I woke up.

My next dream on Wendesday was not so Jack Bower like (and I don't even watch 24) It was actually quite sad. I am back in Panama City at my Grandpa's old house. He has passed away, but for some reason in the dream he is alive and we are in the present. Another weird thing is, me, my mom, one of my aunts and my cousin are driving around the house over and over, but we are driving on the inside of the fence on the grass. I don't know if that symbolizes anything, but I remember that specifically, but I can't remember why we are doing this. My grandpa is just standing at the front looking off into the distance and I just remember wanting to stop and reach out to him,but for somereason we couldn't - we just kept going. And I knew we were losing him. He gave us one last look and faded into thin air - and I was sobbing first in the dream and then apparently in real life - because I woke up sobbing.

What was weird in the dream is that my grandpa looked like my aunt in the dream - although in reality she looks a lot more like my grandma. She actually lives in the house now and I guess I thought the dream was really about her - which made me even more hysterical. It's hard to even bare the thought...

I don't know what's up with all the weird dreams, but I hope they don't come true.

Opening Day

So finally after all this time, today was my first day in my new position. And to get things going in the right direction, I got there late! I just couldn't get going this morning - I was so distracted. All of a sudden, when I am supposed to be taking a shower, I feel the urge to clean off the dresser, take out the trash etc. etc. Before I know it, it is 8:30. Luckily for me, no one really noticed.

I spent the first couple of hours of my day collecting and double checking timesheets -one of my not too exciting new responsibilities. I suppose I will get used to it. In a way it is similar to billing, except it has to be done every Monday morning.

But what was awesome today was, my new boss was in a great mood - something about the NY Mets and the NY Rangers. I did get a chance to watch the game last night and I have to admit the Mets look pretty good. I think I will eventually become a de facto Mets fan simply because it means my boss will be happy. It's almost like how I root for Notre Dame football and Georgetown basketball (unless they are playing Florida of course) because my boyfriend likes them and is in a good mood when they win. He likes the Dallas Cowboys too - but I can't do that.....everyone has their limits.

It is too weird to hear everyone comment on how skinny I am and how I don't need to lose any more weight...I even have people asking me what I am eating. I wonder if people suspect that I have some sort of eating disorder. Granted, in my eyes - I am not skinny. Skinny is when I was a size 3 and 99cents. I am nowhere close to that, but I would be ok with that. I don't think I am skinny, I am just not how people are used to seeing me. I have been small most of my life - me being big is more of the anomaly. I am supposed to be a little smaller than I am now...but I digress. Oh for the record, I do not have an eating disorder. I have to eat on a regular basis to prevent my inner bitch from making an appearance.

I think I will like my new job. I am glad for the opportunity. I learn a lot just listening sometimes and I think I will presented with some cool opportunities. It is a better place for me - so we will see how it goes.

Emotional IQ Challenged

How can someone be upset with me for almost 8 months and I not know or realize it? Am I an idiot? I really had no idea. It didn't even dawn on me to ask until about a month ago and even then I thought maybe I was imagining things. But after asking the questions, it is true - someone I consider a good friend is upset with me. Now granted I still don't know what I did exactly - but it must have been pretty bad. I guess my obvious question is "why didn't you tell me?" But I guess it is something that either wasn't important enough to discuss or too difficult to discuss. Either way, I would have liked the opportunity to address whatever caused the rift between us. What's strange is that we have interacted since the time frame and I thought things were fine (hence, I must be an idiot). Then I noticed a little avoidance, but I couldn't tell if it was because she was really busy or what. It actually never occurred to me that she was upset with me. Perhaps I was so self absorbed that I didn't notice - I could see that happening. I just hope that eventually she will open up and tell me what's going on.

After one of my rifts with my best friend where we didn't talk for God knows how long and to be quite honest, I don't even know why we were both so upset, I realized it's better to address whatever it is and move on. I guess I expect people to tell me when they are upset with me, as I would tell them. I think that is reasonable. I can't imagine being upset for even much longer than a day without saying something...

It is one of my goals to get better at this relationship stuff, so I will have to work on recognizing signs and symbols.