Rocking in Peoria

Just spent the weekend in Peoria, IL for Farah and Andy's wedding. It was indeed a lot of fun. It was great hanging out with the dctc crew, especially since I won't get to see them as much. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a blast. Farah's dress was amazing and she was absolutely gorgeous. The reception was nice and casual, which really suited them. There was an open bar - who could go wrong with that! Who knew Farah's dad was king of karaoke! Seemed like everyone had a good time. I was a little surprised at how much fun I had, because I don't really think of Peoria and fun as analogous pairs. But I guess anywhere can be fun when you are in good company. Met a couple of random guys at the bar, but further discussion isn't necessary. The hot tub was amazing, I wish I could go back just for that. It was so nice having a travel buddy. It made the layovers not seem so long. Overall, I had a great weekend and as always they end too soon.

A New Beginning

Today, I got a glimpse of my new job. It was interesting. I am worried about making friends, but the people seem really nice. I will be spending a couple more half days there before I start. It will be challenging and a lot more work, but I think it will be worth it.

Indifferent? Not Quite

I am not quite there yet. I am more like out of sight, out of mind and I like it that I don't think about you unless you contact me. Thinking about you almost always puts me in a funk. You seem to take pleasure in stealing my joy. If I am happy that the sun is shining, you would just tell me about the impending storm clouds on the way.

We still have a few loose strings to tie, but for my part, we don't even have to see each other to be finished. I have a bag of your stuff in my trunk - I can drop it off on your porch. You can slide my parking pass under the door. Anything else of mine, you can keep or throw away. I don't care - well unless you have my Outkast and Earth, Wind & Fire CDs which I strongly suspect that you do - I want those back! You can leave those at my door as well, or mail them to me.

The point is, I have no interest in seeing you again. So when you get a minute, please remove me from your email friends list. We are not friends and I don't need updates to how, what or who you are doing. I don't care. And remember I am not Motel 6, so please do not call me at three in the morning looking for a place to crash. Sleeping with and having to smell your beer breath is not my idea of quality time. Crash with whomever you are spending your time with - you moron.

So no, I am not indifferent. But I am done.

Under My Skin

I just can't seem to get you out of my system. I hate to admit that I still think about you and me. I think about the most random things. I even had a dream (not necesarily about you), but you were there. It was one of those strange dreams too. One where we are inside my apt, but then when we walked outside we were in an entirely different city. We were back home and we were playing stick ball with some of the neighborhood kids. I told you it was random.

You represent a turning point for me. You made me realize that I could move forward - that I could bond with someone else, that I am capable of having that feeling again. I wasn't sure I ever could. As crazy as it was, it was almost like a cleansing experience. Not only that, something about you makes me want more from myself. You inspire me. You inspire me to enjoy life, but most importantly to take care of me.

I don't think it is all you. I just see you at the catalyst for the changes in me and I think the changes are for the better. I can appreciate the good you have brought to my life. My heart is open again. I think I am finally ready.

It's The Way It Happened

I am at the very least disappointed, but I understand. You had to do what you thought was right for you. Not so sure I agree, but it's not my decision. I know you were being jerked around and I relate to the frustration. I think we have a different tolerance level for frustration. Mine is decidedly lower - I would have nipped some of that stuff in the bud long before it escalated. Hope it works out the way you want.

Re-Building

I talked to my best friend yesterday morning and she reminded me of something I'd done about a week ago. It was without ceremony, pomp or circumstance. Most importantly, it was without drama or fear. "I don't want to be friends."

It was as simple as that. I have felt this way for longer than I can remember, but was always afraid to verbalize it. What would I do without him, he has been a part of my life for so long? But he was a season - a mostly stormy one, but one that has allowed me to grow more than I had previously. That season has passed. It is time for me to stand on my own.

And I have been. For awhile, I didn't think I could survive without him. That's how low my confidence became while I was with him. Not entirely his fault either. It has been a year and a half now and slowly I am becoming re-acquainted with myself. I am finding my strength and my confidence, all the things that at one time came so naturally are finally resurfacing.

I feel free to be exactly who I am, without apology. For so long, I suppressed part of myself out of fear of being judged. I think that the fear was legitimate, but it failed to address the root of the problem. For so long, I thought something was wrong with me. And now I realize in my heart that I deserve more - more from myself. I always knew that in my head, but it took awhile for my heart to catch on.

So I am putting my life back together and even though I have my moments of weakness, I am having a good time doing it. I feel emancipated. Not sure what comes next, but ready for the journey.

Slow and Simple

What ever happened to slow and simple? I miss those days. I remember my first love as being such a natural process, I didn't even realize it was happening. We met in Trig class freshmen year of college. At the time, I was in a half ass long distance relationship, where I think I was the only half that cared about it. For some reason, the light came on and I finally understood Trig - when I took in high school it made no sense to me at all. I understood it so well, that I completed all the assignments for the entire semester in about 2-3 weeks. I know, what a nerd. Well, I guess Skinny (my affectionate name for him)noticed this and wrote me a note asking for help.

We met in the library and studied some and got to talking. It turned out we were from the same hometown. My mother taught at his high school. Heck, he went to the same school where my half-ass boyfriend went - they knew each other because they were on the same football team. Talking with him that first time was easy - it was as if we had known each other forever. A few days later, he writes me a pull tab note (I wonder if kids still do that) saying that he likes me and did I like him, complete with the check yes, check no boxes. I laughed and laughed when I saw it, because it was just so cute. How could I resist? Of course I liked him. We continued to talk and became friends.

Valentine's Day was coming up and I was so excited that finally my "boyfriend" was coming to visit. He promised. I don't know why I thought that time would be different, but like so many other times, at the last minute something came up. I can't remember what elaborate excuse he used that particular instance because I was numb.

Skinny casually asked me to go bowling and initially I declined. I was too bummed, but he was persistent and assured me I would have a good time. So I went and met a few of his friends and it was surprisingly a nice time. He drove me back to my dorm, and we sat in his car and talked. I completely lost track of time. I found myself wanting him to kiss me. But he was a complete gentleman. I felt like I was going to explode if he didn't kiss me, but I held my peace. And then it just happened. It was great. We continued to talk - I didn't want to leave. We saw a glimmer of the sun and reluctantly parted.

When I got back to my room, my roommate was waiting with a ton of questions. She and her friends ahd already given me the green light on Skinny, so they were hoping it went well. It did. It was the start of something I had never really experienced. Love.

We were together often - usually just talking or hanging out. I absolutely loved being with him. We had fun doing absolutely nothing. Because we had a no opposite sex visitation policy, we would sit out on the set in the freezing cold (well as cold as it got in Tallahassee)just enjoying each other's company. Finally, since his dorm was a little easier to sneak into, I started disguising myself. Baseball cap, baggy pants - and we would play spades with his friends and just chill.

Everybody knew - I loved me some Skinny. He was a true gentleman. Polite, thoughtful and just a great person in general. I still have a bag of his letters. It helps me remember the simplicity and beauty of love. He would send me letters just to tell me he was thinking about me. When I would go home for the weekend, there would be a letter in my mailbox from him. He always surprised me and I loved doing things for him.

It was all so simple. My friends liked him and I got along with his peeps. It was nice. Our first year together was like heaven. We waited awhile before we physically bonded. We planned it out and he made it special. We spent most of our time in college as a couple.

We didn't have the best separation, but the ride was worth it. I learned a lot from him. He was my first true love. There will always be a part of me that loves him.

Second Time Around

My cousin shipped out last night. He will be just NW of Baghdad in about 18 hours. I talked to him yesterday afternoon. He seemed to be handling it pretty well. I guess since this is second time over there, he kinda has an idea of what to expect. He told me that he found out he is having a girl! That is so exciting. She is due in late August. I talked to Mel and Tre and they are both doing well. Tre is so much like my cousin, it's unreal. And it looks like pregnancy is going a lot better for Mel now, at least she is not in and out of the hospital all the time now.

My prayers are with my cousin and I can't wait until we can hang out again. For now, it will be snail mail and email.

It's Official

I got my offer letter today. It seems so real now. I am a little anxious and excited all at the same time! What if I am not everything they expected? What if they are not what I expected? What if it is exactly where I need to be right now? I love the feeling of a challenge. Of course, I will miss my friends a lot! But now I just have to find more creative ways to see them.

I feel like they expect a lot from me. I think that is great. The more I think about it, the more confident I feel about this decision.

Facing the Inevitable

I found out some very disturbing news last night. My cousin is going to Iraq. I knew all along it was a possibility - I just hoped things would change during the delay. It even appeared for a minute that he might not have to go. He ships out Tuesday. I haven't had the stomach to talk to him because I am afraid I am going to break down and cry. I feel like I should stay positive for his sake. I just hate that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I get it everytime I see the headlines. There's seems to be senseless bloodshed there everyday. And now he has to re-join the fray. Anyone who knows me even a little already knows how I feel about this war and the person who perpetrated it, so I won't even go there right now. But I wonder if God holds liars and warmongers accountable for all the loss of life they cause....

I can only pray that God protects my cousin so that he can come back home to his family.

A Little Hope

I went to a home buyers seminar yesterday sponsored by Bank of America. It was inspiring to know that even though I don't make six figures, I may still be able to buy a house. It seems so unattainable and I have been frustrated about it for awhile. I may not be able to buy my dream house right now, but I may be able to get something.

My dream starter house is a 3 bedroom/2.5 bath townhouse with a finished basement and a deck. Nice size master bedroom, spacious kitchen and at least a 1 car garage. Not sure if I prefer hardwood floors or carpeting - I think I might want a mixture. I could paint and make one room an office and maybe get a roommate. I'd like to have garden tub maybe with a jacuzzi and a separate shower. And I would like an aquarium. Maybe have a bar with a mini kitchen in the basement - party central. I could have cook outs and invite people over for get-togethers. But mainly, it would be mine.

I am working on it slowly but surely. It feels good to dream again.

The Wedding of the Century

My cousin Blake is finally tying the knot. I have only met Nina once, but I really liked her. Just from looking at their web page, it's gonna be BIG! I am wishing them all the best.


Check out their website. It is amazing!

Surreal Life

It's amazing how one short conversation can change your life. I always thought I would be at my company a really long time. Ever since I came this area, I dreamed of working there. And now, I have decided it's time for a change. It has all happened so fast and so unexpectedly, but after weighing the pros and the cons... I have decided that right now - I need a new experience. I think this will be a great way to learn more and might be geared more toward the direction I think I need to go. I love my current place of employment - most of all I love the people there - so the decision has been difficult - more so that I imagined. I will miss everyone, but one of my resolutions was to improve my KIT skills, so I guess here's putting that to the test. I think that I will want to return there once I have gained a little more outside experience.

Wow, I can't believe it. So much to do, so little time. I must admit, I am a little excited. Finally, I will have part of my life back! It will be a huge adjustment particularly with the commute and all, but I think the experience will be worth it. I still wish I had my spot back in VA now, but all in due time.

Opportunity Knocks

The past few days have been a whirlwind. Everything has happened so fast - I really need a moment to step back and breathe. I have been in a holding pattern for awhile now and I have just been waiting and waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. After all I have been through, I decided it was best to wait it out, instead of jumping on what would just be an escape. But waiting has had it's moments where I felt insecure, stagnant, and bored. I am a go-getter. It is not in my nature to just wait. All the activity with not getting a job I was already doing, and being told that I hadn't been in my position long enough....all of that has brought on its share of frustration. I want to move to a normal shift, most of all to get what's left of my life back. I wanna be able to go out if I want, play kickball or go to happy hour. Heck, I wanna go out on a date, and I want to have more autonomy. I want to have more responsibilty, I want to grow, I want to know that I will be able to move into what I want to do without taking a drastic pay cut (of course, I am not doing that anwyay, if I can help it).

So slowly, I have been testing the waters, just to see if there was a possibility of changing shifts. Ideally, I would like to change shifts with the ideal job, but at this point a job is simply that - a means to an end - until I can do what I really want to do. A job is something that I will always do my best, but it is not my life. The workaholic days are behind me - I realize that there is a lot more that I want from my life and very little of that is wrapped up in a job. But as of late, there is just nothing available that is better than what I have right now, in terms of pay and status. But everyone says that I have great potential - I realize that - which is why I am not content with this feeling of stagnancy.

I need to grow - there is no doubt about it - once I have reached my threshold which in all honesty is about 7 months I am ready to start something new. I know 7 months doesn't seem like a long time, but to me it is generally enough time for me to have learned all I can possibly learn, and thus... time to move on. Being that I am close to the year anniversary mark - I am about to lose my mind.

That being said, it came as a big surprise when a friend I hadn't talked to in months called me out of the blue to ask me if I would be interested in working at his place of employment. Sure, I said why not - but I didn't really seriously consider it. He told me to send my resume to the hiring manager and I did, and the next day he called me in a for an interview. I interviewed this morning and he made me an offer on the spot.

I was shocked to say the least. His offer is a little more than what I would be making after my annual raise ( which is due in July) - but money isn't the driving factor here strangely enough. The extra would just go for parking or riding the train because the commute would be a little bit longer. It would defintely be more work than what I am doing now - which has it's positives and negatives. The positives are: I would be exposed to productions from start to finish and I think this would eventually lead to gaining a lot more knowledge about reaching my long term goals. And of course the negatives are it would be longer hours and stress level would be higher.

Also, never once did I dream a leaving the company I work for now. I just resumed my 401K. I hadn't even thought of it and for this to all happen so suddenly is bizarre. I really like my current place of employment in spite of all of my complaints. I like the people. I would really miss them. I am not sure that would be a good reason to stay though.

I really need to sleep on this and then pray on it.

Shocked and Horrified

I don't normally watch the local news because it is generally bad, but it just so happened tonight I tuned in. The first think I learned, I don't want to live in Capital Heights. There seems to be drama there constantly -they spent a good ten minutes just talking about all the crime that has occurred there in the past two days.

But the worst thing I saw was this horrible attack on an 83 year old lady. It was all caught on video tape and I was literally crying as I watched it. She looked like she was going home (during the day) and a guy walked up behind her and confronted her. (there was no audio, so I am not sure what was said), but then he just started punching her, so much so that she fell to the ground and he punched her some more. He snatched a few things and disappeared just as quickly as he appeared.

The lady, affectionately known as "Grandma" is in the hospital. I hope that she pulls through.

It was just so horribly unbelievable, punching a defenseless person that way. She is someone's mother. It was just so vile. It was as if he were punching my mother. I pray to God they catch him and lock him underneath the jail. I hope the inmates give him a taste of his own medicine.

For article, please click on the link below:

The Only Constant

The only constant thing in life is change. You can always count on it. Without change, there would be no growth and without growth the world would cease to exist. Even still, I don't always handle change so well. There are quite a few changes going on at work that were..unexpected. A person who I admire very much and was on the verge of asking her to be my mentor is leaving the company. One of my co-workers is also leaving the company. Both are pursuing better opportunities, which I think is great. It just won't be the same without them. If that wasn't enough, one of my co-workers who I have developed a very good relationship with is changing shifts, so I will only see her for a couple of hours now. Again I am happy for the progression that is bound to happen with her change, but it still will be...different.

On the flip side, knowing that change is inevitable can definitely be a positive. It is knowing this that helps keep me going when I feel stagnant and frustrated. Change is in the works, I just need to be ready for it.

Foiled Again

Ok, you caught me off guard. I didn't recognize the number on the caller ID. Had I known, I doubt I would have answered. I don't have anything to offer you and I am ok with that. What is done is done and I can't blame anyone but myself for the choices I made. But I am no longer angry with myself. Because just as my insecurities masked the truth of my worth and I allowed (albeit, kicking and screaming) myself to accept a hollow substitute for love, the veil has been lifted from my eyes. I see now that I deserve more - from myself and from those who I allow in my inner circle. I am done trying to fit a square peg in a round hole...this only results in being screwed.

I am rebuilding my life slowly and certainly and there is no room for ultimatums and conditions for me to achieve the unattainable. I want to be able give and receive unconditional love - I deserve that much.

Paradoxes

I say I want one thing, but I do something that will yield the opposite result. What is wrong with me? Do I really not want what I claim? I don't think that's it entirely...I think there is still a part of me that is afraid of success or it could be that I haven't developed the discipline to follow through from A-Z especially when I hit a detour. Nothing frustrates me more than detours - I will admit that. I think I have my journey all planned out and then I hit a detour. Consequently, I am not quite sure which way to go. I guess that is where faith and perserverance come into play. God, please be my navigator and open doors that I need to go through to continue on the path to fulfill my destiny. Please don't let my disillusion with roadblocks and detours keep me from handling my business.

3- 2 Action!

I had such a nice time on the set of my friend's set today. I was there to help out here and there. I am so inspired by him. He got a great DP and director and of course since he has the same lead actor I had - Chocolicious ;) Such a talented cast and crew. Of course we ran over time, so that was basically my entire day. I was planning on working on the project from hell, but it wasn't meant to be today.

Boneheaded

So the plan was to go to Alero Saturday night, and I was down with that, so much so that I got all cute and headed downtown and even found an awesome park, which is unheard of near Adams Morgan on a Saturday night (or any night). But I forgot one thing! My ID. I'd left in my pocket from the night before. Deja'vu. Haven't I been here before? So my friend took pity on me and we ended up going to the Cheesecake factory, since I didn't feel like begging people to let me inside all night. Even still, I had a nice time. But I think I am going to leave the license in the ipod case, because that seems to be the one constant in my life these days.

Sweat it Out

Spent the beginning of Saturday in a slight fog. I don't how 1.5 drinks can affect me for so long. It had literally been 8 hours since the last sip and I could still feel it. So I decided to go to the gym to sweat the rest of it out. Nothing like sweating out alcohol to motivate me to go to the gym. (and the sight of myself in a bikini).

I swear by the healing power of the gym. I am always in such a great mood when I am finished. I love that high - plus it give me such a sense of accomplishment. Now if our games could stop getting rained out....

I Could Have Danced All Night

Literally. Thanks BT for asking me to break my Friday evening after work Blockbuster routine and hang for a few. I had a blast. It felt so good to release all the stress and furstration on the dance floor. I don't know what made me agree to go. I guess it was a combination of the right moment and it just sounded like just what I needed. Cheers to you.