Ambitious?

So here is the self impsed list of things to do at work yesterday.

6:30am Begin logging footage for video project
9:00am Watch past client video in preparation for meeting
10:00am Complete departmental timesheets
Noon: FInd stock footage for video project
1:00pm Lunch
1:30pm Take cab to client's office
2:00pm Meeting with client
3:00pm Continue logging footage for video project
5:00pm Watch poetry video for promo project

And here's what actually happened:

6:00am - 6:30am - Search for a place with current to log footage since we had a power outage on Sunday
6:30am - 7:00am Begin logging footage for video project
7:00am - Power goes off just as I am about to log the last shot on the first of 4 window burn dvds
7:15am - Begin relocation to my desk - at least I can type up the notes I have so far
7:30am - Run into panicked co-worker in the hall in an attempt to send a fax (that didn't work); in addition, I run into other co-workers who are attempting to resolve the power outage issues.
8:00am - Wait for computer to re-boot; Begin typing up notes
8:30am - Informed that power would be going out again in my area; save work
8:50am - Heck, might as well go to Starbucks
8:55am - listen to abysmally long story of colleague's weekend as he shamelessly tries to flirt with me
9:00am - jonesing for my caffeine fix;so encourage colleague to wrap up story; go to Starbucks - get caffeine and then go to CVS to purchase fantasy football magazine; they are out of stock.
9:05am - Return back to work; re-boot computer
9:10am - Send out email to remind department to turnin timesheets and paperwork from the previous week
9:15am - Realizing that I won't receive all the timesheets anytime soon, go set up to watch client video
9:30am - Watch and take notes on client video
10:00am - Start calling the same folk who never turn in their timesheets on time to remind them to turn them in; make pre-mature lunch plans with co-worker at noon
11:00am - Continue processing timesheets; get annoyed that as with every week I still don't have them all even though they are due on Friday
Noon - Continue checking timesheets and crosschecking them with paperwork; still annoyed that I don't have all of them yet.
12:30pm - Finally receive all timesheets - start doing weekly summaries
1:00pm - Still doing timesheets - anxiously devour a few handfuls of trail mix to keep from passing out
1:15pm - Make copies of all timesheets (phew the copier didn't jam this time); turn in timesheets
1:30pm - Take cab to client's office
2:00pm - Meeting with client
3:30pm - Realize that I have no chance of completing a lot of the items on the list above; so I warm up my lunch
4:00pm - Complete lunch; go to accounting to discuss billing issues; run into friend in hallway
4:15pm - Friend has one of her friends with her and asks to print something from my computer
4:30pm - Friend + 1 go to my desk and friend begins surfing the net for whatever she needed to print out. +1 begins an animated discussion on her cell phone
4:34pm - Go downstairs to log that last shot on the dvd from this morning
4:45pm - Go back to desk - friend +1 are still there; hmmm - try to re-send fax from earlier this morning
5:00pm- Fax finally successful - but friend +1 are still at desk; realize that the list is hopeless at this point and decide to chat with friend +1 for a few minutes in between returning emails and phone calls
5:30pm - Wish friend +1 would leave so I can have a minute of coherent thought; begin a futile attempt at trying to find office supplies; take the scenic route back to my desk in order to avoid annoyed co-worker in the hall
6:00pm - Friend +1 finally leave and I finish composing emails that require a little thought.
6:30pm - Wait fo train to Pentagon;
6:43pm - Train finally comes
6:50pm- Train arrives at Pentagon; run like mad woman to catch bus; bus pull off without me; drop a loud f-bomb at the thought of having to wait another 20 minutes for bus; apologize for f-bomb; only to realize that attendant made bus driver stop for a couple other people too; run like a banshee towards bus (in heels and a skirt)
6:51pm - Secretly wish I could punch bus driver for pulling off without me; calm down and try to enjoy the ipod tunes
7:15pm - Walk home
7:23pm - Fall asleep while watching Young and the Restless
8:15pm - Wake up to check the score of the Yankee/Detroit game; pleased that the Yanks are losing - calculate that they will be seven game back in the AL East; talk fantasy football with roomie
8:30pm - 11:00am - flip back and forth between baseball and football; play mindless video game; go to sleep
3:00am - Wake up to clip nails
3:30 - Begin typing this blog and preparing for another productive day
4:05am - Attempt to go back to sleep.

More Than I Bargained For

So lately, because my job is unstable and mostly sucks, I have been focusing a lot of energy on extracurricular activities. So in addition to the company fantasy football league, I joined a money league. I also joined two fall softballl leagues and the good thing about that is that they are both close to home and I will get to meet move VA people. I have been trying to get out a lot more just to take my mind off of....everything work related. It helps sometimes but apparently yesterday after almost waking up from a nap, I was slurring about how I didn't want to go to work and that I was gonna be late and then I went back to sleep. So it must still be there in the back of my mind.

Things at church have been ramping up and I am not sure that I want to give them the level of committment that I think it would take to accomplish everything they want particularly without a substantial pay increase.

I am still trying to get used to my new size - it's weird being able to fit size 4s and extra smalls. It's more weird to think that just 6 mos ago I was wearing larges and double digit sizes.

My friend is coming back in town for a conference this week. She is always like a breath of fresh air. She always inspires me to do what I love, which reminds me - I have a treatment to write.

Punked by a Pigeon Part III

So I am having a nice evening with two of my favorite people dining outside. We are caught up in conversation, sipping mango margaritas. I happen to look down as I am slurping and there is a fresh dropping of bird poop in my drink. Is this a sign? What is it with me and these freaking birds? I can't stand them. Our scare owl is on the way so we can put it on the balcony. Maybe then I can have plants. A friend told me that they (I am guessing they may be "the man")are going to give pigeons birth control so that they won't reproduce. Normally, I am not in favor of man interfering with nature's processes but in this case - I say get rid of 'em. Did I mention that I think pigeons suck....

I did get a new drink which helped ease the pain a little.

Big-Eyed Fish

That's what I think I am sometimes. Destined to live in the sea, but dreaming of soaring the sky. Perhaps my dreams are not meant to come true. Maybe I fail to comprehend the potential of the sea. I am in no position right now to grasp the beauty of the sea. I can only obsess about the sky and how I can get there. It is a long way from the bottom of the ocean. The thing about coming to the surface is that you get a glance of the earth and sky. So then you realize what you are missing or at least dream of what you want. The thing about fish though...is that they have to live in the water to survive. They can only come out of the water momentarily....I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it.

Perhaps I am like Icarus and my wings are melting.

Perhaps I am PMSing....ok the pity party is officially over - almost.

Frustration

Self-Induced Frustration

I take full responsibility for it. I had a great day on Friday and allowed myself to become optimistic. I was doing what I know is what I am supposed to be doing. I lost complete touch with reality and for a moment believed that things would get better or at least make sense.

Everybody I love is leaving me. In my own narcissistic way, I feel like I am somewhat of a black widow. It seems like there is some new development every week. Who am I supposed to eat lunch with?

What am I going to do with my life? More frustration....

The Rules of Drinking

Drink with meals i.e. don't drink on an empty stomach
Do not mix drinks.
Alternate water with drinks.


All great rules that I clearly chose to ignore Friday night at 1223 when I went out with a few co-workers. All you can drink from 6p - 9p for $20. Top shelf. So what do I do? Drank all I could drink from 6-9pm, no meals, no water and I mixed them. I was determined to get my money's worth....um yeah - not a good idea for someone whose alcohol tolerance is about 1.25 glasses of wine. I think I had about 6- 7 drinks.

I was feeling really great for a moment - dancing and happy. Then we went to dinner - except I didn't get to have dinner, because I spent the entire time I was there puking - on the table, in the bathroom, on the table again...this from a person who swore never to get drunk in front of co-workers. Good move.

They are never gonna let me forget that one. They were great though - they called my roommate and he came to pick me up. God bless him. That man loves me - anybody who will carry me home, put me in the shower and clean me up and make sure I get to bed without too much bodily injury - must love me, I vaguely remember falling in the shower and hitting my head (which I felt the next day).

He teased me incessantly once I was sober. I had a softball tournament the next day, which remarkably I was lucid and physically capable of driving and playing the next day.

I am heading back to work for the first time since then, so hopefully I won't get teased too much considering the plethora of blackmail photos.

TGIW

I have waited for this day! Thank God it's Wednesday, or better yet, July 11th. It is the day that I get new cell phone minutes! Last month's bill is going to be ugly. I had gone over about half way through the month... I can talk and text in peace again!

What I Learned Today

Want to develop the gift of gab? Then kiss the Blarney Stone. The Blarney Stone is a block of blue stone built into Blarney Castle in Ireland. It is said to endow the gift of flattery and eloquent speech.

Not a bad skill to develop...

So I am 30ish, not 20ish

That being said, I am going to call his ass and tell him how I feel. (see below posting)

Diplomacy Anyone?

I hate it when I want to express my feelings when I am angry or annoyed, but can't quite find the words to say. Let me clarify - I have words - often sandwiched between expletives, but I often let those words remain as thoughts. I feel the need to expand my vocabulary so that I can channel my feelings a little better.

There is a certain freedom that comes with expressing yourself - but I was so agitated that I was sure it was going to sound much worse than it is. But now that I think about it, I am not sure what the harm would be. I am the one he is attempting to inconvenience. I am not the one being inconsiderate.

So that's the other thing - I hate that sometimes I can't think of the right thing to say until well after the moment has passed. So...take that then - I think after the person is long gone.

So here is what is bothering me. LAST YEAR, Super Producer (SP) was inquiring about editing software, which my roommate just happens to have. Since I am always willing to help people out, I told him he could borrow it. So I dropped off the disk to him one afternoon.

Even then, SP was acting extremely skeptical and needy. We compressed all the files to one DVD, but I assured him that we tested it and it worked just fine. So time went by and occasionally, SP would call and give me the third degree about the software. Um, there is no law that says you have to use it. I rushed and gave it to SP because I thought he needed it then.

So a couple of weeks ago, SP called the house after 10pm. My roommate is a lot more understanding of this and a tad more gregarious. I tend to check the caller id and I won't answer if I don't feel like talking (which is often the case) So he answers, and then hands the phone to me. Um...this is my time, plus I had just gotten home. So it is SP and he has tried to install the program, but has had a couple of issues and needs some assistance.

Um, did I mention that I gave him the software almost a year ago? Did I mention that it is now after 10pm on a school night? Why the emergency now? WTF? Ok, so my patience is being tested because I feel he is accusing me of something and that he actually expects me to take my time and walk him through this after 10pm on a school night...I couldn't really help him anyway, so I let my roommate talk to him.

As it turns out, he needs software to unzip the files - but neither me or my roommate were willing or mentally able to deal with walking him through it that night. We were both really annoyed that we tried to do SP a favor and we felt like it was coming back to bite us in the backside.

So email addresses were exchanged and I think my roomie sent him a link to get the software. So SP has tried to contact my roomie who has not responded yet. So SP called me yesterday at work to find out about his software and mentioned that my roomie had not contacted him as of yet. This is when I felt my blood pressure rise. I wasn't sure how to say - wtf? How can you be so inconsiderate? How can you actually have the balls to expect not only me, but my roommate to help you at your beck and call, when you have had almost a year to resolve this? Instead, I told him that my roomie has a busy schedule and is not readily available.

I found that troubling that I couldn't say what I really feeling. First of all, I am not so sure SP should be using software that he can't figure out how to install. What next, is SP going to expect my roomie or me to show him how to use it? I think it's the whole "no good deed goes unpunished" thing at work.

So as I write this, I think I will call him and just tell him how I feel...or not...

A fine line...

So my best friend and I were in the hotel room trying to settle the expenses. I bought the Live Earth tickets, she booked the room, so I was planning on writing her a check for the difference. I planned so much that I made a mental note to bring my checkbook and I thought I remembered tossing it into my suitcase in between trips. But when it came time to write the check, my checkbook was nowhere to be found. I looked and looked and I must have seemed crazy, because I started rambling about how I had worked it all out in my mind that I was going to bring the checkbook and that I swear I thought I put it in my suitcase.

Maybe I am crazy... so I practically emptied the suitcase which was terribly unorganized at that point (not that it ever was organized) I didn't really unpack from the last trip. Still no checkbook. So I am thinking I must have left it at my desk at work since I was carrying my cute small purse, I probably left it in the "mama" bag. But I just couldn't imagine why in the world I would do that....I am at the point of insanity while contemplating whether or not I am insane or experiencing an early middle age meltdown. I mean - I could have imagined the whole thing. Maybe I dreamed I put the checkbook in my suitcase, but I never actually did.

So we ended up trekking out to Times Square and I found a bank - not my bank though - so on top of thinking that I am certifiable, I have to pay the stupid $2 fee. Talk about adding insult to injury. Yes, I am that anal about even small amounts of money. But I got over the fee, but it nagged me for a little while that night that I couldn't figure out where my mystery checkbook was hiding.

So last night after work, I am unpacking my suitcase and it appears that I have emptied it. I am about to put it up and there lodged between the lining is my checkbook. It was like it was there to mock me. My first thought which I screamed out loud was "I am really not crazy!" Never mind that I am talking to myself at this point.

Nice to be just CJ

This week I have spent more time with old friends than I have all year. Friends that know me by my childhood name. It felt so comfortable, like home. It was just nice to be away from my normal everyday life. It was so relaxing to just be myself - almost completely uninhibited and carefree. (If I was completely uninhibited, I would have gone to the club where you can dance on the bar last night at 1am.) I have had such a great time I am already planning the next adventure - although a little chill time by the pool would be cool too ;)

So Live Earth NYC was awesome - so glad we did it ;) Pictures to come... We had such a blast - we had pretty good seats - we sat next to the most adorable couple I have ever seen. They were an interracial gay couple and they were so great. There were screaming teenagers on our other side. They were so cute especially when Fall Out Boy came on stage. In front of us was a group from Peru - they were so entertaining - it was just a great time.

I have a hard time deciding which act was my favorite. It is a toss up between The Police, John Mayer, Kelly Clarkson and Bon Jovi. I like Dave Matthews too (naturally) but I was so bummed because I felt like I was being teased before they came on and then they only did three songs...arrgghh. I wanted an encore. The best was when John Mayer and Kanye West came on stage for "Message in a Bottle" with The Police. But Bon Jovi just took me right back to my childhood - ahhh when life was simple.

We packed a lot in this weekend, but it was all worth it.

Punked by a Pigeon

So I was gone for like 2 days and in that short amount of time, a pigeon decided that the herb garden on my balcony might be a great nesting place. My herb garden - the one that I grew from seedlings...the one that I come home and talk to almost everyday - the one that after being gone two days, I went out in the dark to check on it. As soon as opened the patio door, it flew away and to my horror I saw a plethora of twigs right on top of what used to be my cilantro. The oregano had been sprayed with a nice dusting of bird crap. The only thing remotely in tact is the basil. I hate birds....

Best Week Ever

After what I can easily say has been one of the worse Junes of my recent past, this week has been one of the best! My mom was released from the hospital last week and is now at home recuperating nicely. She had a nasty bout of meningitis which gave us all quite a scare. Our company softball team kicked ass past Saturday and we are now the number 7 seed in the playoffs (we should at least be number 5, but that is an entirely different rant).

Most of the people who contributed to a lousy June were on vacation this past week, so work has been tolerable - and maybe because I took Tuesday off - that helped as well. I got to see one of my best friends in Tampa. I finally got to see her new crib which is absolutely beautiful. It was like old times. Me and the roomie went jet skiing with her and husband and acted a pure fool at the Tiki Bar later that night. I don't know why they said 'get on the stage'....There is supporting potential blackmail evidence of the evening's festivities.

The next day was just a chill grill out kinda day. The ladies talked, played games while the gents played Madden. It was just a nice break from the craziness that has become my life ;)

And today, I am taking the train all by myself (yikes!) to NYC to meet one of my other best friends for the Live Earth concert tomorrow :) I got lots of advice from my fellow co-workers - many who are from or lived in NYC, so I feel a little overwhelmed, but confident that I can manage.

I haven't been by myself in so long - it feels a little strange.

I get to see two of my best friends in one week - what could be sweeter?

Boomerang

Lately I've been feeling like my life has been an ongoing drama. Part of it is definitely self created and perpetuated - I will admit that. But a lot of it lately has been beyond my self control.

So the ex texted me a few times and I did call him back eventually because quite frankly I wanted to get it over with. Talking to him was something I dreaded for so long and I just wanted to not think about it anymore. He had nothing to say that was of interest to me. I am really not sure I got the point. He wanted to know why I dislike him (as if I have that kind of time). He recalled that I managed to be friends with my exes and wondered why that wasn't the case with us. I felt my blood pressure rising but I refused to get into a replay of our misbegotten relationship.

I said simply that we don't have anything in common and I see no reason why we need to be in communication. That's the most honest answer I can offer. I have no desire to be anything to him. He told me about his last relationship - how perfect this new lady was for him. She cooked, blah, blah, blah.... all the stuff I stopped doing. He said that she wanted to take it to the next level, but he broke it off with her. So, let me get this straight - you have the perfect woman for you. She wants to be with you and you break it off and for some unknown reason you are telling me about it.

I am not sure why that information would have been important to me. I guess it goes to show that not even "perfect" is good enough for him. I was far from perfect and I was more than aware of that. I have come to terms with my imperfections and it's a package deal - you get the good with the bad.

So I am like oh, really or some sort of non-descript verbiage, hopefully sending the message that I don't care. He then tells me that he's changed. Almost sounds like the person I could have liked. He actually likes to do things now. When we were together, he never wanted to do things together - getting him to go the movies was a chore and that's pretty basic. I often ended up going out by myself or as a third wheel or fifth wheel - which was just enough to be annoying. Anytime a man asked I was stupid enough to say yes I have a boyfriend and when asked where he was I would feel even worse....ahhh good times.

So that being said I am glad that is over. So the conversation ended again with me saying I don't see any reason for us to talk.

In the middle of all this I mentioned that my mom was in the hospital which is infinitely more important than my conversation with him and I actually was thinking about her during the entire conversation.

In my mind, there is nothing more to say. He sends me a text. "Can you pick me up from the airport on Friday?" Um, why in the world would I do that? That would require not only talking to you, but seeing you....my response was that I might be out of town which was true - if my mom didn't seem like she was improving I was planning on flying home. So his follow up text was something like: "well maybe we can meet for lunch" I haven't responded to that. I mean seriously....

I was actually hoping he was calling to tell me he was getting married. I had my congratulations speech preprared and I thought I even say a prayer for the bride to be (she'd need it)...but it was just him fishing. I don't expect him to give up. I don't know what he wants - I think it would be egotistical on my part to assume he wants me back. It would also be silly on his part.

I wasn't even planning on blogging about this, so I blog about the other stuff later....

Choices

I just can't seem to get this film out of my life. Everytime I try to forget about it, someone or something pulls me back in. Apparently burial isn't enough to contain the dead. So it's back to trying to complete this thing.

It's ok - I have decided that this is the year for completion. So I guess this will make force me to follow through.

It also forces me to be very selective about what I start.

The Heart of the Matter

So I have finally decided that I need to heal completely from my last disastrous relationship - and I realized that after all this time the one thing I never did (or even considered) was forgive. It never even occurred to me that I needed to - I have been so emotionally numb from the whole experience that I just blocked it from the forefront of my mind. But now it is time to let go and move on. It's not fair to anyone else that comes into my life to still be hanging on to unresolved baggage - yes - X - you told me so....

So in an attempt to start this forgiveness process and I am not sure why it has been so difficult. I have been able to forgive others who have done some pretty reprehensible things.

So I started this forgiveness letter and I have to admit I got a little stuck after section 1. Section 1 is where you write down all the the reasons why you resent the person or behavior and all told I have almost 3 pages of resentments...I even thought of more while I was in the shower this morning.

Section 2 is the part where you write down the reasons you appreciate the person. Hmmm, still thinking - I am sure there must be something... I mean, maybe it is a bit pre-mature for me to write this section. Of course, he has his good points. I just can't think of what they are right now.

So I think I will pray on that and continue this process - I guess it sometimes is not an overnight process. I guess that's why I put if off for so long. I found myself getting so angry and then I noticed a bit of a pattern. It was like reliving the experience, but just the bad parts. I don't want to relive it - I don't ever want to feel that frustrated and angry again.

So forgiveness is my only option, so that when I think about that time in my life, it doesn't hurt so much and that I only see it for the learning experience that it was.

I have to put a stop to it, for my own good - so I have begun the process. I admit that I'm at this place kicking and screaming, but I know there is no other option (other than going crazy or becoming bitter) and I can't do that.

So there you have it.

Helter Skelter

So I figured it was time I write something, since I haven't written in awhile. So let's see...today I ran my first official 5K race. It was a great feeling to finish - because even though I never doubted for a moment that I would finish I got a nasty cramp in my calf and I did have thoughts of walking most of the way, but I kept moving albeit a little gingerly and I finished in 36 minutes. I am sure that that is slow to most people, but for me, I am just amazed at my progress, because I couldn't even imagine finishing or attempting a 5k a year ago. I was so excited that I signed up for the Race for the Cure 5K in 2 weeks. I am up to running about 10 miles or so a week, maybe a little more - it's somewhat therapeutic.

The thing is with all the physical activity, I am battling my long time nemesis - yes, my hair. Like what the heck? I have lost the battle this past week so I just gave in to the wild side. Getting up every morning to curl my hair only to have the curls fall out an hour later... So I've been sporting the wet look for the past two days which would be great if I didn't have a relaxer. I miss the curly fro during the summer months.

So I am still in denial about the relationship stuff. I am just still comfortable avoiding the inevitable right now, because I am trying to sort out some other stuff and I don't think I can deal with too many issues right now. My main thing is that we really are best friends and I am afraid of losing that.

The job is still tenuous - at least in my head. We are experiencing yet another organizational change and that may not be the best news for me personally. I was really upset when new guy approaches me and asks me how I would feel about going back to my old department (that I just left 6 weeks ago). He seemed to have the impression that I left because of my previous supervisor. He starts rambling about how I have the personality and skill set blah, blah, blah.... He didn't mention that he was going to named GM during the course of this conversation. I did tell him during this conversation that I was not interested in returning to my old department, but admittedly I was less than forthcoming since I was under the impression that he was only in charge of production and ops - which are not my departments. The conversation ended with him encouraging me to consider the possibility.

Um, wtf? I left because I have done my time. I did project management for 3 years and I have hated it for 3 years. Am I great at it? hell yeah - I don't need anyone else to validate my skill set. I could and should have been running the department, but that is not even on my radar screen because I have no interest in it. This guy has been at the company for 6 weeks and has had maybe 3 conversations with me (2 of which occurred when he was my client) and he wants to put me back in that hellhole? Perhaps I am overreacting. It was the way the events went down that was a bit of a concern - he strongly encourages me to consider going back and then he is announced as GM... was he asking me or telling me?

I plan to have a heart to heart with him. No disrespect - but I don't care how much the department is restructured it will still be project management and since that is not a desirable career path for me, I can't sit back and let someone else decide what is best for me.

So...it is family time - we are going to watch Little Miss Sunshine. Go Sox :) oh and Go Nats!

Creepy White Guys

Yesterday must have been the day where I wore the sign, "creepy white guys - please approach me." It happened twice in one day. I thought I lived in a relatively safe neighborhood with the occasional child molester smattered in between seemingly normal people. So I am at the bus stop rocking out with Dave Matthews on the ipod - just in my usual morning meditation mode and some creepy guys rolls up on me in his car asking, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" In my head, I am thinking, "hell nawl, I don't know you" I say politely, "no I don't believe so." He proceeds to have a conversation, but fortunately for me, the bus is coming - this gives me a bit of courage to say, "don't roll up on me like that" And then I hurry and get on the bus.

So then that evening, which was a little more distressing for me. I am on the bus and creepy white guy #2 gets on. The moment he got on, I noticed him and thought - "eww, child molester/stalker guy". So he sits diagonal from me and I feel him staring at me with his serial killer blue eyes. I try not to make eye contact, but I can sense that he is undressing me with his eyes and possibly figuring out which body parts will fit nicely in a ziploc bag after the assault occurs. A chill runs through me and I happen to glance in his direction and he is intently staring at me. He smiles and I acknowledge his existence and quickly turn away. Now I am worried. I hope his stop is before mine, but mine is coming up. What should I do? I don't want him to see me pull the bell...

So I wait, and then he rings the bell at guess which stop? Mine! Okay so maybe it's not so sinister since he couldn't have known that that was my stop. So I wait for him to get off and see what direction he is walking and then I get off... and run faster than I do at any of my jogging adventures... In heels and a hamstring pull (another story) - all the way home - probably about a 1/4 mile or so. I didn't stop until I was in the building - I did look back often to see where he was, but I kept running even when he was no longer in sight.

Who knew I could run that fast - I guess it was all pure adrenaline activated by my overactive imagination or survival instincts. At any rate, I hope this doesn't become a pattern.

Ghosts from the Past

Ok, God are you trying to tell me something? Clearly avoidance isn't the right direction for me...I made a decision to not think about the past and now all of sudden little reminders are just showing up out of nowhere. Last week, one of my best friends called and asked if it was ok to give my phone number to my ex because he needs to have a reference checked. I reuluctantly agreed, and later that evening we talked. It was the most awkward 20 minutes ever.

The truth is... I really don't have anything to say. I agreed to allow the lady to call about his reference, but beyond that, what more should there be to discuss? I thought maybe eventually our paths would cross, but uh... it's not a thought that is exactly thrilling for me. During our relationship, I went from rage to indifference and now I don't know how I feel.

I feel - stressed out... - stressed out becuase he still knows how to push my buttons - annoyed with myself for allowing it. So the conversation was all weird, but not as unpleasant as I anticipated, because I tried (unsuccessfully) to steer it away from anything personal or anything that happened between us. You know, the weather, how's your mom type of thing...but of course he had to volunteer some unsolicited personal information about himself...he broke up with his girlfriend a couple months ago. Why would I care? So I say- hmmm, I didn't want to know about that at all, but he assumes that because he volunteered this tidbit of information that it gives him license to ask me about my personal life. None of your business - boy I am getting really tired "Yes I am seeing someone."

It's been real....blah blah blah goodbye Have a nice life So that was the basic discussion.. and of course when I get off the phone - I have to reassure my current that I don't want to get back together with my ex. That was fun.

So last night, I get this text message from my ex... "did she call yet?" My reply: "not yet" His response: "Ok, why do you dislike me?" My reaction: stress and every bad feeling I ever had about him rushes to the forefront of my mind. This is classic ex behavior - it's his way of baiting me into a pointless discussion that leads to... him somehow being in my life. I have been down this road too many times not to recognize it.

He asks some crazy question all out of the blue - because I never once in that conversation said or suggested that I dislike him. So where in the world is that coming from - it's to get me to say either - I don't dislike you or go back through all the darn good reasons I could have for disliking him. But why would I expend the energy? Why I am so bothered by this?

I think what is most upsetting to me is that I've allowed him to get me upset. Now he wants me to call him. I don't think that is a good idea...

And to top it off - I ran into my cousin's soon to be ex-husband at the airport Monday morning. He was seeing his "friend" off. If only I could have arrived seconds later or earlier. Talk about awkward.

We were friends at one point, but when their problems progressed and he began to say bad things about her - that put a strain on the relationship - not to mention the restaining order.... He had the nerve to bring it up - and I let him know I didn't want to talk about it. He even tried to talk about my aunt - they definitely had their differences - but there is no way I am going to entertain a discussion when someone is saying disparing things about anyone in my family.

Since he is no longer family - and the divorce is really ugly - there really isn't much for me to say. All I want is for him to do right by my cousin and their children and since I don't anticipate him being mature about everything (based on past experience) then we can't be cool. He had the absolute gall to suggest that she married him for his money. I know for a fact that he did not have any money back then. Her dad gave him the money to help start his business and money for the down payment - what an asshole. And then he wants to talk smack...they help take care of his kids for crying out loud.

I think what upsets me most is that he says bad things about my family to his kids. How immature. He shouldn't be dragging the kids into their drama. It's so unnecessary.

Anyway, seeing him made me think about one of my own issues that I am struggling with and I am sure it wasn't coincidental - thanks God for keeping me in check.

Clearly I Am Crazy

I said quite a few things today that I wish I could take back. Perhaps I freaked him out - maybe I should have said it sooner - I just never thought to do it. Now after gauging the reaction, maybe I should have never said anything at all. Ok, so I am weird and this posting makes no sense. I am embarrassed to say what I said, because if the person who loves me responded that way, then...I can only imagine. It's like I felt comfortable enough to reveal something about me with him and only to feel completely uneasy about sharing it - like I am truly a freak of nature. Maybe it was just too bizarre or weird.

On a different note, Easter was great. I worked at church and it was actually a lot more enjoyable than I imagined. I enjoyed the sermons (I was at all three services), but especially the singing. I really need to work on my relationship with God. After church, I went for a jog which was awesome - it was quick, but just long enough to give me the "runner's high".

I don't know what to think about work. I am not totally comfortable with everything, but I am not sure what to do about it. Really there is not much for me to do. I just hate some of the things that are going on and at times it is really hard to accept some of the decisions that have been made. It was nice that one of my favorite freelancers is back - because at least now I have someone I can talk to. I can talk to her in a way that I can't really talk to other people. There is another woman there who I enjoy talking to, but with my freelance friend I can speak in my native tongue (slang). I don't feel like I have to be all "professional".

I found myself slipping to an uncomfortable comfort level with my boss, because a couple of times I slipped into my native tongue and I hate that. He caught it one time to and said something about it. I don't know why, but it really bothered me. It bothered me because I don't feel I can do that because I think people are always judging me. It could be paranoia but I think there is something to that. It's like I have two entirely different persona's - and I don't like for the two to ever mix. But on some level, I don't feel like I can ever be my "real" self at work - because of the perception that I am less intelligent than....

As I write this, I think - that is ridiculous. I should be able to be myself but I am not going to do it! My livelihood is too important. Maybe as time progresses....

Clearly I am crazy.

Dream City

So I have been having the strangest dreams lately - now that I finally stopped having the dream of me having a bi-racial child (father unknown) I have had far more bizarre dreams as of late. Monday night, I dreamed I was being framed by terrorists. They found the means to invade the condo while we are at work and they left behind pages and pages of formulas for chemical bombs (complete with skulls and everything) - I guess that's how I knew in the dream they were equations for bombs.... at any rate I would come home and each day they would leave behimd something that let me know they were there - a new page of formulas left neatly on my desk, strange chemicals left in the refrigerator or medicine cabinet and unmarked boxes that I was too afraid to open. I would frantically search the house for bombs and just as I was closing in on the bomb and the identity of the terrorist was about to be revealed, I woke up.

My next dream on Wendesday was not so Jack Bower like (and I don't even watch 24) It was actually quite sad. I am back in Panama City at my Grandpa's old house. He has passed away, but for some reason in the dream he is alive and we are in the present. Another weird thing is, me, my mom, one of my aunts and my cousin are driving around the house over and over, but we are driving on the inside of the fence on the grass. I don't know if that symbolizes anything, but I remember that specifically, but I can't remember why we are doing this. My grandpa is just standing at the front looking off into the distance and I just remember wanting to stop and reach out to him,but for somereason we couldn't - we just kept going. And I knew we were losing him. He gave us one last look and faded into thin air - and I was sobbing first in the dream and then apparently in real life - because I woke up sobbing.

What was weird in the dream is that my grandpa looked like my aunt in the dream - although in reality she looks a lot more like my grandma. She actually lives in the house now and I guess I thought the dream was really about her - which made me even more hysterical. It's hard to even bare the thought...

I don't know what's up with all the weird dreams, but I hope they don't come true.

Opening Day

So finally after all this time, today was my first day in my new position. And to get things going in the right direction, I got there late! I just couldn't get going this morning - I was so distracted. All of a sudden, when I am supposed to be taking a shower, I feel the urge to clean off the dresser, take out the trash etc. etc. Before I know it, it is 8:30. Luckily for me, no one really noticed.

I spent the first couple of hours of my day collecting and double checking timesheets -one of my not too exciting new responsibilities. I suppose I will get used to it. In a way it is similar to billing, except it has to be done every Monday morning.

But what was awesome today was, my new boss was in a great mood - something about the NY Mets and the NY Rangers. I did get a chance to watch the game last night and I have to admit the Mets look pretty good. I think I will eventually become a de facto Mets fan simply because it means my boss will be happy. It's almost like how I root for Notre Dame football and Georgetown basketball (unless they are playing Florida of course) because my boyfriend likes them and is in a good mood when they win. He likes the Dallas Cowboys too - but I can't do that.....everyone has their limits.

It is too weird to hear everyone comment on how skinny I am and how I don't need to lose any more weight...I even have people asking me what I am eating. I wonder if people suspect that I have some sort of eating disorder. Granted, in my eyes - I am not skinny. Skinny is when I was a size 3 and 99cents. I am nowhere close to that, but I would be ok with that. I don't think I am skinny, I am just not how people are used to seeing me. I have been small most of my life - me being big is more of the anomaly. I am supposed to be a little smaller than I am now...but I digress. Oh for the record, I do not have an eating disorder. I have to eat on a regular basis to prevent my inner bitch from making an appearance.

I think I will like my new job. I am glad for the opportunity. I learn a lot just listening sometimes and I think I will presented with some cool opportunities. It is a better place for me - so we will see how it goes.

Emotional IQ Challenged

How can someone be upset with me for almost 8 months and I not know or realize it? Am I an idiot? I really had no idea. It didn't even dawn on me to ask until about a month ago and even then I thought maybe I was imagining things. But after asking the questions, it is true - someone I consider a good friend is upset with me. Now granted I still don't know what I did exactly - but it must have been pretty bad. I guess my obvious question is "why didn't you tell me?" But I guess it is something that either wasn't important enough to discuss or too difficult to discuss. Either way, I would have liked the opportunity to address whatever caused the rift between us. What's strange is that we have interacted since the time frame and I thought things were fine (hence, I must be an idiot). Then I noticed a little avoidance, but I couldn't tell if it was because she was really busy or what. It actually never occurred to me that she was upset with me. Perhaps I was so self absorbed that I didn't notice - I could see that happening. I just hope that eventually she will open up and tell me what's going on.

After one of my rifts with my best friend where we didn't talk for God knows how long and to be quite honest, I don't even know why we were both so upset, I realized it's better to address whatever it is and move on. I guess I expect people to tell me when they are upset with me, as I would tell them. I think that is reasonable. I can't imagine being upset for even much longer than a day without saying something...

It is one of my goals to get better at this relationship stuff, so I will have to work on recognizing signs and symbols.

Immortal Mortal

I had a most difficult conversation with my mom. I was in a relatively good mood when she called and wanted to discuss her burial plot. Naturally, it makes me wonder if she isn't telling me something I should know - "so I won't worry" When I go home, she wants to make sure we go over all her financial records and her will. I hate these types of conversations, but I guess I can understand why it is necessary. It seems my mom has come to terms with her mortality. The problem is - I haven't. There is so much she still needs and wants to do. I don't know what I'd do without her - which I guess is why having that conversation is so difficult. I can't imagine my life without her in it.

I guess the impetus behind this most recent discussion stemmed from her sister's plans to buy a burial plot. Apparently she passed out a couple of weeks ago (why am I just now finding out about this?) because her blood sugar dropped too much. I don't think she was ever officially diagnosed with diabetes, but it is not surprising since it seems to run rampant in my family.

My biggest issue is when my relatives conveniently avoid telling me things because they are afraid that I will worry. My biggest worry is not being there, which is why this year I am making a concerted effort to go home as much as possible.

I have been feeling a strong urgency to see my family now more than ever. I will be home in a couple of weeks to celebrate my Uncle's 70th birthday. That is so hard to believe and I will go home again the following month for the weekend. I may try to go in August as well - this is much better than my once a year Christmas visit.

Although I am not comfortable with the idea of my family's mortality, I want to make a conscious effort to see them and enjoy them as much as I can.

Um Yeah...

Where did I get that awful phrase from? Um yeah, is usually preceded by something out of the norm that I am about to say. It's like a space filler at the beginning of a sentence. Um yeah, so I have some great news and by great I mean it's all a matter of perspective - it really depends on how you look at things and....so we didn't get that shipment....you know the one that we needed yesterday. On a good note, not a single hair on your head is out of place - it is hair perfection.... seriously what is the matter with me?

Um yeah, I forgot to mention I am the BIGGEST LOSER! I won probably by 1/2 pound. That is crazy. I lost 17.5 pounds. The thing that is disturbing is that I had that much to lose (and then some) - I'd like to lose 10 more pounds. None of my clothes fit - which is the only reason that I have noticed the weight loss. Other people seem to notice, but I don't.

So the next competition begins this Friday - and I am down. It will help keep me motivated.
I had an amazing weekend. Spent Friday night at a bar in Georgetown watching the game - went to see The Bachelorette Party which is a great play that some of my friends were in. Went to visit some friends and Sunday it was more basketball fun and then....just like that, the weekend was over.

Um yeah, what if I am upset by the news that one of my favorite people is allowing toxicity into her personal space - again! Arrggghhhh... that's all I have to say about that. Yeah, right... why, why, why?

Last Tuesday, I got a chance to see another one of my favorite people and my significant other was amazed at the similarities. My girlfriend is like the extroverted bubbly version of me. It is pretty crazy. So now we are going to see her and her husband in Tampa for the 4th of July. I really want to do a better job of keeping in touch.

I have been wanting to call one of my friends for awhile now, but I think she is upset with me. I miss her, but I things are just kinda weird and feels awkward to call, but I really want to see how she is doing and find out if we are still friends. Maybe I said or did something incredibly insensitive (which is not hard to fathom), but if I did, I'd want the chance to make things right.

So in classic msj style, I have managed to avoid my relationship issues for yet another month. I mean - things are status quo. I am content - and dealing with old relationship baggage is just so unpleasant. And what if after dealing with it, I don't change my viewpoint? Then I won't even have an excuse for being reluctant to commit.

Um yeah....

Anxiety Rocks

So the final weigh in for the biggest loser is in about 7 hours and I have to admit, I am really nervous about it. I have been in the lead for about 5 consecutive weeks, but the guy in second place only had 2 pounds to lose to beat me by .01%....so I am extremely nervous. Of course, since our last weigh in, I lost about 1.5 lbs, but this week has been brutal. I didn't really stick to my normal routine, because I want to win so bad, so I cut back on Starbucks (brutal) and I gave up my Wednesday splurge meal. Wednesday has been ny day off - no exercise and I can have a couple of guilty pleasures. But not this week - and I must admit that after the weigh in - I am gonna go eat something!

I really hope I win, but in a way I still have won. I have lost about 16 lbs since we started and I feel a lot healthier, despite my allergies to just about everything. I am down about 2 sizes which is crazy - my clothes don't fit at all, so I have invested in belts - but I think some alterations are in order.

I really have been sweating this last week - I was hoping it would be a runaway victory - but the suspense is killing me. My competition has been living on oatmeal and yogurt all week and biking like crazy....I can't do that...so my last push will be an hour on the elliptical in about 3 hours. My obsession with winning is driving everything right now - so much so that I can't sleep.

So....I changed desks this week. I have officially moved to my new spot. It's strangely quiet - not really sure how to work without a lot of chaos. It's kinda cool to have actual complete thoughts. It feels a tad unfamiliar - I may actually be able to get in touch with my own voice.

I have just perused Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office and now I have quite a few action items to complete. I read many of the mistakes and laughed out loud as I saw myself in quite a few of them. The first thing and perhaps the hardest will be getting people to call me by my full name. I even call myself CJ so....or "seige" so that will be an interesting transition.

I will simultaneously work on ways that I communicate - I am great at leaving long winded messages (not good) - I am also great at leaving short concise and to the point messages - which is what I need to focus on. And then I have to work on meetings. My new job will require me to go to a lot more meetings. So I will have to work on staying awake and then actually becoming an active participant. I need a prop or something that makes me appear to be rivited - quite frankly some of them are really boring...but I will play the game.

It will be a weird transition particularly because I am going from having a lot more autonomy to being almost completely bound to someone else's agenda. We'll see how that goes. It will be fun to see how I adapt. I am really just hoping to learn something from all this and grow - so if that happens, it will be a win-win.

Post Relationship RX

I was talking to one of my best guy friends on Saturday - just catching up (he lives in LA now) and he has known me for so long that I feel totally comfortable talking to him about everything. He is one of the few people who knows about all my skeletons and quirks and he still likes me.

So I had no problem admitting to him that I don't want to get married and I am not even sure I want to be in a relationship right now. I mean things are cool - I love my boyfriend, but the whole committment thing...kinda freaks me out. I don't want to ever lose my independence. I always want to be in control of my destiny.

I guess it was something in the way I said that, that triggered my friend to ask if I was sure my feelings weren't based on what happened in my last "relationship". I thought it was silly at the time, but perhaps there may be something to that thought process. He witnessed a lot of the hell I went through (including the demand to stop being his friend).

I would be willing to admit, that maybe the wounds from my last drama may not have healed completely, but I see that relationship as a life lesson - the lesson being - you should never lose yourself in another person or their dreams and you should never relinquish control of who you are and your value to anyone else - ever. So that being said, I don't plan on ever being dependent on a man - particularly not financially.

My friend was so great because he didn't try to convince me that I want to get married - he didn't even act as though something was wrong with me - he just asked me to think about it and reassured me that he wanted me to be happy and that he would hate for me to let a good man go, because I was still caught up in the past.

It was so refreshing for someone not to ask - "when are you getting married?" Because that freaks me out even more. I say, things are working out as they are now - why ruin it with all the high expectations of marriage? Perhaps I am a basket case. Maybe he's not the one - but the way I feel right now - there is no "the one".

I'd be content having a lover when needed and having great friends. I still haven't figured out how I get kids out of this deal, but once I figure that out....

Maybe I will consider some sort of therapy.

Vanity

So I have been all geeked up by losing almost 15 lbs. I would like to lose 10 more, but in the interim of all this weight loss.... why, why, why did I have to lose my boobs? That hardly seems fair. That was the one place I wouldn't have minded keeping a little extra weight.

On top of that, who gets a zit on the upper part of the ear - or any part of the ear for that matter.... and who breaks out in hives for random unknown allergies? That would be me. Is it stress, guilt, insanity?

My body is doing some weird things lately. I hope it is not thought karma.

I have been having some not so wholesome thoughts lately - I am trying to put them out of my mind. I certainly have no intentions of acting on them.

If there is some weird mind-body connection, then I will be more than happy to let the not so wholesome thoughts go.

34 Days and Counting...

I am trying not to get too excited about my new job (which when I am work is pretty easy to do) considering I am so ready to give up my current job. I wish I could take the next 30 days off, so when I get back I can just start my new job. It reminds me of how I had to wait so long at my last place employment for an internal job move. I waited about 3 months - it is hard not to lose motivation when you know you are moving on. At least at my last job, I was excited about training someone else. I really liked my replacement - in fact we are friends.

This time....I don't dislike her. She just wouldn't be my first choice. I have no say in the matter, but I think it isn't the best move for the morale of the group. That's a different story.

It's going to be a little weird. Like I will still interact with everyone, but on a different level. Even still, I am happy. I will miss some things - like I do like production (most of the time) especially remotes, so I will miss that. But I am so happy to give up billing - it is becoming more of a hassle than ever before. There are too many people involved in the process and its becoming a bit too political. I think I will miss the laughter and joking around the most - it certainly helps the day go by faster.

A lot of strange things are happening there, but if I can get another year or two out of them, I believe that will be enough time to get the experience I want. I just hope I can keep a low profile and stay out of the politics. All I want to do is make my 6.

I got caught up in a little drama with the psychopath - there's only one and I ended up going to HR. She was upset with me and made sure everyone knew why (even though she didn't know what she was talking about) if she had asked me, and was only slightly rational, then she would have known how the situation occurred. First of all it was minor and not even something a normal person would get upset about - the only reason I got mad is that she was running around telling people I dropped the ball...and I just can't let that go unchallenged.

The truth is I have never liked her - she is mean-spirited and narcissistic on an unparalleled level. I am in awe of how highly she sees herself. She is constantly saying hateful things about other people and shamelessly promoting herself. And some of these people are her "friends". I could never trust a person who regards their "friends" that way. And after all the trash she talked about me, she tried to have a girlfriend conversation with me - I don't have the plastic act down yet, so basically what you see is what you get. And that meant - no girlfriend conversation - civil yes, girlfriend no... forget about it. But I will be professional and do my job. It is unfortunate that she was definitely one of the reasons I considered leaving the company.

But out of all the craziness that goes on and there is a lot of it, I still think there are a few good reasons to stick it out. Perhaps one of them is that I will have a new job, that they basically created for me so I would stay. It is a totally lateral move, but I think it will give me the experience I want as opposed to what I am doing now. If it doesn't, then I will reconsider in a few months - no big deal.

This Better Be Worth It

So Tuesday I am going to visit the tax man. I am so hoping this whole home ownership thing is all the rage. I guess I will find out. I haven't even attempted to plug in any numbers. There was too much going on last year to attempt to do my own taxes. There were the 1099s, the part time work, the part year state taxes and the home ownership thing. What a whirlwind 2006! I hope it pays off. I am always looking for a tax shelter.

But if I can write off as much as the number on my interest statement, that would rock.

My Not So Totally Awesome Weekend

I had all these awesome weekend plans, but my body had something else in mind. I was planning on going out for drinks on Friday, but instead I came home and went to sleep. I was going to go on my jog on Saturday, which I attempted, but the jog quickly changed to a walk which was then followed with tea, cough drops, nyquil and sleep. Even still I was holding out hope that I could go to my co-workers house warming. It was a party with an 80s theme and I have to admit I was pretty excited about it. I haven't seen his place yet, but I remember when he first started looking, soI was pretty bummed as I downed a few vitamin C tablets, soup and OJ....this can't be happening again. And today, I thought perhaps I would go get some much needed spiritual recharging, but I never even made it to the shower... I wanted to go see Amazing Grace, but I have been playing solitaire and watching movies and sleeping all day. I feel like such a waste of space, but at least some of my favorites came on today. My Fair Lady, Boomerang, My Cousin Vinny - since I had to be stuck at home sick, at least I have something to watch. And I got caught up with all my DVR shows. Wow, I feel like such a loser...

Speaking of loser, I am still in first place in the Biggest Loser contest. There are three weeks left, so I just need to keep losing weight, which has been expedited by constant exercise, which could be compromised by lying in the bed sick....so this has to end now! I have to win. I am obsessed with winning - just like I am obssessed with finding this book which is apparently out of print. It is called Power! How to Get It, How to Use It by Michael Korda. I have been obssessed with it ever since my hair dresser told me about it. I love him by the way - each visit is like a therapy session and salon session wrapped up into one.

My thoughts as always are all over the place. I am upset that my brother lost his job. I want to help him, but I want him to want to help himself first. I wouldn't even mind (much) if he moved in....but he would have to be totally committed to getting himself together and he'd have to be responsible. I am also concerned about my cousin, he is more like a big brother to me and he is ill and the doctors can't identify exactly what is wrong with him. That's pretty frustrating. My other cousin is going back to Iraq for the third time in March. I won't even go there.

I held a baby on Thursday and my heart just melted. I helped changed his diaper - oh he was so cute. I get all gaga over cute dogs - what's the matter with me? Must be hormones.

I had a dream I had a daughter. The father was somewhat of a mystery to me - I know - pretty scandalous - glad it was just a dream. Come to think of it, everytime I have a dream about my offspring, the father is a big unknown. Anyway, she reminded me of my cousin Amanda - she was very engaging. When she entered a room, I completely disappeared - all eyes were on her. I wonder if all mothers experience that. I wasn't hating or anything, but I was just wondering when someone was going to ask how I was doing. So much for that.

Does my dreaming about having a kid mean I am ready for diaperdom?

Walking Histamine

I am indeed a walking histamine. I must be allergic to almost every season and substance known to man. Yesterday was the worst - well recently - there have been worse. But at least time, I discovered the cause. I got some new body lotion (which I am glad they didn't test on animals, because I would feel sorry for them). And I slathered it all over me...went to the movies and was completely miserable. Think Will Smith from Hitch (fortunately I didn't put any on my face, so it wasn't visible to anyone). But I did break out all over it while watching Because I Said So, which made it a doubly miserable experience. (The movie was extremely disappointing).

All I can say is thank god for Benadryl. After running a couple of errands, I took a nice shower and popped the little pink pill and the next morning all was well. It's just winter now, I can't wait to see what my histamines have in store for me this spring.

Fairy Godmother

I was really excited when my friend asked me to be the godmother of her son. I love her so much and I was actully pretty flattered. After what seemed like an eternity, her son was born on February 1, 2007. They had to induce labor so he is couple of weeks early. We (me and my sig. other) went to see him on Thursday and he is absoulutely beautiful. I can't wait to be able to hold him. He is in an incubator for now, but he is now breathing on his own and seems to be doing well.

The thing is, I am nervous. I love babies and I loved him before he was even born, but... what is a god mother supposed to do? Is there a list of guidelines - an instruction manual, anything? I looked online but it seemed like all I could find was info pertaining to the Catholic faith. None of us are Catholic, so it has to be more to it than that.

So I have been thinking...about the word - Godmother. It seems almost like a guardian angel of sorts. So the first thing I will do is pray for him and his new family. I will pray for his safety, survival and strength. I will pray that he grows to be healthy, happy and loved. I will pray that he learns to live life to the fullest, that he is faithful and not fearful.

I think constant prayer takes care of the God part. So the mother part is the other thing. I want to be there for him - at his communion, and birthdays and a lot of his "first" moments. I want to be a source of support for his mother and father. I want to be able to teach him things. I want to be a part of his life. I want what is best for him.

I have heard that if something were to ever happen to the parents, then the godparents assume responsibility for the child. Naturally, I hope that nothing ever happens to them, but I am certainly willing to treat him as if he were my own.

I hope I will be a good Godmother - it will be glimpse into the future.

My Not So Glam Life

So I am not as big a wuss as I thought. Actually I just think before I speak and I have to be really sure that I want what I request, because I just might get it. Such is the drama of my job. I must be maturing or slightly crazy or both. I am actually turning down more money, a more glam title (although the position itself is not very glam) to consider taking a totally unglamorous position, (even more unlgam than what I have now) and a possibly sucky title with all the crap that comes with that and yet I think I want to do it - because I think in the long term it will pay off. I just have to stay focused on what I want out of it and get as much as I give. I am all about the win/win, so I think I can make it work. I don't think it could be any worse than where I am right now. There was a precise moment during our departmental meeting where the discussion of this stupid software waned on and on that I just can't do it much longer. I am leaving it in God's hands. I am near the breaking point, but I know I am supposed to wait. So as attractive as this offer might be, I can't take it - because it is not for me. It is nice to feel wanted. I even heard something about a signing bonus - they don't have my price yet - but I know if I wanted to - they would give me what I wanted. But honestly I cannot committ to another job that I only have a half-hearted interest in - the half being my compensation.

If it works out that I get a new boss, I think the job at least in its infancy would be totally unglam. I alays thought I was supposed to have a fabulous life.... somehow I don't think making coffee runs qualifies as fabulous. But whatever, I may not have to do that - but I wouldn't even mind if I did - that is how much I need a change. That can't be worse than working for someone without a clue or spine. It was brought up to me by several people that I could have my supervisor's job... hmmmm, I kinda do a lot of it now, I would do it well, if I didn't have to my job to do as well. However, I have no desire to have it - it is even farther away from the ultimate goal- though it does have a fancy title and hence a greater future market value. But there's a lot of crap that comes with it, and I don't really handle petty stuff well. I actually don't think I would have to deal with that, because I have no tolerance for it, so I think people would resolve their own issues and leave me out of it.

It's mindboggling to me how so much minutia can be so time consuming -and why do I have to hear about it. I literally walked away in the middle of a conversation, because I didn't see anything of value in the dicussion. It was a complaint about me - which valid or not, I owned up to it, and the chips can fall where they may. I have no aplogies to offer. The complaint would have been important to me if I perhaps was an octopus, but since I had to prioritize my activities for that span of time and was not able to accommodate and cover for all the people who called out sick that day - I suppose I should feel...something - yeah I don't and when the complaint was mentioned to me, the supervisor should have had my back and explained that I was literally covering for 3 people at the time all while trying to do my own job. But did he say that - or better yet - did he try to help out? How could I have respect for a jerk like that?

I would never hang someone out to dry like that under those circumstances. I guess that's the loyalty - and oh yeah backbone in me. A simple explanation would have sufficed and if they still had issues then oh well - they can take it up with the big man. I am just one person.

Speaking of unglam - I am currently the biggest loser. I have been the weekly leader for 2 weeks straight now. My clothes are fitting looser - which is great - but the process has been....I've been kicking butt. The hardest part has been getting past the 3pm chocholate craving that happens everyday and the day after I step up my workout game.

This running thing- well I am slowest runner in the history of Nike's. But I have been faithful to it...and I really dig the post runner's high. I had a little issue with my knee but I think I will be just fine.

Face Off

So there I was minding my own business spending an otherwise stellar Saturday afternoon at one of my least favorite places in the world - the grocery store. I am standing in this ridiculously long line waiting to purchase my three items, while at the same time contemplating my life in general and how I was going to accomplish everything I'd promised myself this year, when some random man says, "Why you looking like that? It can't be that bad" Since I am working on my temper and I couldn't think of any nice response, I said nothing. I just stared at him. No one else said anything either. What am I supposed to say? Is there some reason why I should feel compelled to explain the look on my face to a total stranger?

Can I help it if the look on my face is somehow offensive or unpleasant to him? Should I care? I am sure it was a harmless comment, but just what if...it really was as bad as he claimed that I looked? Then what? What if...I was contemplating the plot to my next great novel or screenplay and just like that - someone interrupts my thought process and the idea is lost forever to me. What if a seemingly harmless comment well was... harmful? At the very least it was irritating enough for me to be typing about it now. What if I had been embarrassed? What if I had felt the need to share all the worries, triumphs and concerns on my mind with him? Would he have taken the time to listen? Somehow I doubt it. Is there some unwritten expectation that I should look "happy" or appealing all the time?

Chances are, I won't always be smiling at random people on the street. I might sometimes, I might not. Perhaps if I am not, instead of commanding me to change my demeanor, why not lead by example. They say smiling is contagious and I am sure it is. I do it most of the time. It is hard to not return a smile.

But on the off chance of me not looking the part, I can make only one goal. That regardless, of what I look like on the outside or what I am going through on the inside, that I will always be thankful for everything I have and everything I am.

Hatorade

I am officially a hater. One of my friends got an awesome job offer in San Diego after two long years of pounding the pavement. Of course I am thrilled for her - she deserves it. That means if I ever visit San Diego, I will have someone to have dinner with. So I am not really hating on her, but I am hating on...

My coworker is going to the Superbowl. She just be happens to be dating someone who obviously has money or pull or both and now they are going - just like that. I want to have a glam life like that.

Why can't I have that? My boyfriend always says, "if you plan it, you can do it". The thing is, I don't know how to plan to be fabulous. How does one plan for that? If I knew, it would be in the works as we speak.

I had a thought today as I fell off the biggest loser wagon (that's an entirely different story) that as much as I was opposed to the idea, I should be using my feminine wiles to improve my career. Except, I am not sure I still have any wiles. And what the heck do I do with them? Surely I must have them somewhere. I must put that in my calendar to find them and use them at will. This is a tragic result of being a tomboy for most of my life.

Although I haven't read the book, my best friend mentioned a book she was reading entitled "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office". The title alone is pretty intriguing to me. I think people do view me as "nice". That's unfortunate. I need to work on that. The truth is, I am not always nice. I am shy, but I can be as bitchy as I am nice. I am fiery when necessary and I stand my ground on things that are important to me. But I am naturally optimistic and I generally like most people. I do hate confrontations though and I avoid them unless it is related to my bank account.

So what do I need to do to change my "nice" veneer? I can't change my "cuteness" which has been the bane of my existence for (well always). Being cute is definitely not an asset. I have tried to change that, but to no avail. I hear people say it all the time and it really pisses me off. I'd much rather be exotic or quirky or dayumn...well maybe not dayumn because then everyone would want to sleep with me. Exotic or quirky would be great. It's like having an outstanding characteristic that people remember and that makes a person stand out. Cute sucks.

Why haven't I figured this out yet?

Insanity Revisited

There is something about January that makes me think about my ex. Maybe it's the time where I reflect on my life and think about all the progress I've made and all the mistakes I made - and how long I made them. I mean - seriously - what was I thinking? How could I do the same stupid thing year after year? I was certainly no angel in all of the madness. I'll be the first to admit that - which is why it is so mind boggling that I thought it could be worked out. Is it possible to be in a relationship and feel nothing - there must have been a point when I loved him, but I remember hating him more than anything else. Then, I remember all the other men I emotionally bonded with during that time. You would think that would have been a hint. I went through the biggest moral test in my life and I technically passed, but....I contemplated doing the unthinkable - at least for me - and did I feel remotely guilty because of my ex - absolutely - I didn't even care what he thought. I felt bad because I allowed myself to get too involved with a married man. Yet when it came down to it, I was the one who drew the line, but I certainly didn't deserve any prize for that, because I wanted to cross it - but the guilt was too much. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. As it was, I felt really bad for even thinking it. But he was one of many men I got at least emotionally involved with...

I think I am afraid of who I was then- I never want to be that person again. Fearful. Everything I did was motivated by fear. I was with him because I was afraid. I wouldn't marry him becasue I was afraid (yet that was warranted) I stayed so long, because I was convinced that I was too old to date again and dating sounded really...scary. Indifference eventually won out - thank god. Being ok with idea of being alone for the rest of my life before settling to live a loveless marriage filled with resentment finally got me out of the maze.

To be fair, he isn't a terrible person. I am sure he will make someone very happy - god bless her.

Decisions, Indecision

I haven't had a full nights sleep in a week. Why couldn't I just say it? What is my problem? I don't know why I am so afraid. I think I am pissed with myself which is why I can't sleep. I came about two seconds away from getting darned close to what I want - and then I freeze. In fact, I got offered exactly what I said I wanted - sorta. If I had taken the bait... Do I really want what I think I want? If I did, wouldn't I stop being timid about it? I think the rewards outweigh the risks - I think. It at least seems like I could place myself in a better position in the long run - although it could be a minor setback in the short term. Am I still crazy and impetuous as I was in my 20s? I would hope that I have gained a little wisdom and self-control since then.

This is the deal - something has got to change. I am starting to feel suffocated again - so do I leave one situation and head for a similar one, but with greater financial rewards, or do I stay and try to make my situation better? Can I actually do it? Probably....if that's what it takes. I don't know if I can do what I am supposed to do- much less take on any additional. I have been - eh not at my best or even 50%.

I thought the new year would help lift me out of all that, but not so much. I am even worse than December - and I was all about vacation. Speaking of which, that is yet another decsision I can't seem to make - where to spend Memorial Day? Outer Banks, LA, cruise? I have to go somewhere....

I am looking forward to Las Vegas. Only a month and some change away! See, that's all I look forward to - weekends and vacation and lunch....de'ja vu.

Year of the Hustle

I have some of the best interns ever. One of them had deemed 2007 the "Year of the Hustle" and I couldn't agree more. I am ready to get my game on - so I am going to work on that nonstop. I have to just get over myself and get my hustle on. I am shooting for 6 figures, but more than that I am just trying to be happy with how I put in my time. 2006 wasn't bad, but I am optimistic that 2007 will be even better.

I am in a bit of a funk right now, but just by virtue of me typing this, I am know I am headed in the right direction.

I'm a Loser, Baby

Yeah, that's right and I am trying to lose as much as possible - weight that is. I am in the office Biggest Loser pool. I am the only woman in the contest. The most tramautic moment was the initial weigh in. Who knew I was that big? 139 pounds. That's more than I have ever weighed and a lot for a person of my stature. I was shocked and horrified - when did all that happen? I knew my clothes were getting a little snug, but I chalked that up to laundry gods and just bought bigger sizes. After the initial shock - I think I may have cried a little - I decided that I had to something - so I joined the running club and started working out and have cut back on sweets (a little).

I amazed that I have only missed one run since I have joined - we run twice a week. I have always hated running. I could never imagine why someone would torture themselves that way. In fact, I am sure that it is why I am an awesome outfielder. We used to have to run laps everytime we missed a ball, so I just caught everything that came near me. It is starting to grow on me - I am probably the slowest runner in the world, but I keep it moving. I think I will run a 10K this year. I am on track to do that - I can't believe I am even contemplating such a challenge, but now its seems doable.

I think the most frustrating thing is that I haven't lost of ton of weight yet. It has been coming very slowly - patience is not one of my strong characteristics, but I haven't had much choice. We weigh in ever Friday and this will go on until Mid-March. Naturally since I mentioned my patience issue, I periodically check my weight during the week. I walk up a flight of stairs and check the scale - surely that had to have burned 5 pounds - at least - but no such luck....

Ok, so now I want more money and a new job. I could get both probably without too many problems, but I don't want the same type of job that I have now. I have figured out my ideal job for now, but no such position exists at my company. I would gladly do it, I am trying to test the waters to see if I can present it as an alternative to my current position. I would love to define it and I think it would be a step in the right direction for me. I could leave the company easily and get more money - I already have a few leads on that - but quite honestly I really am not ready to leave yet.

The best news yet is that after all this time, I now have a drive which has the footage to my film, which means it can be cut a lot better than it was - I will have to find music, which I don't think should be a problem. But I am worried a little about continuity - I knew some of those issues would come up when we were shooting - but that was just one more argument. At any rate there is a part I would like to cut out completely, but I am not sure how to do it yet. I didn't think I would ever have this opportunity and the whole experience was so tramautic for me, I just kinda put it out of my head.

So much to do - so little time.