Those Daggone Hormones

Dear God,

Please send me someone - soon. I know all about the patience thing, but my hormones are straight tripping and seriously I hate having all these feelings of guilt. Dating is dramatic for me in some instances. I suck at it so please send me someone who can accept me as I am and vice versa.

It's That Time Again

When I have to accept the fact that the weekend is over and I have to mentally prepare myself to go to an unfulfilling job. I comfort myself by knowing that it is what is allowing me to have food, shelter (not much else) and a little bit to save. Plus I realize there is so much more to me that my 9-5. One day, I will determine my worth. Wow, well that was a tangent. I guess that is part of the mental prep. I had a great, but very busy weekend. I feel like I need a day to recuperate. I almost did everything I intended - except check out Diary of a Mad Black Woman and return a few phone calls.

The Wizards game was a lot of fun, it was a really good game and even though I didn't see C WEBB, I am so glad I went. Bibby more than made up for it. And the Wizards have a few hotties too ;o.

I spent most of Saturday helping out with casting for a friend's film. That was fun, but as always film and television makes for a long day. There are a lot of talented people in this area, the final decisions will be difficult. Later I hung out playing games with some FAMU alumni. Good times....

I finally spoke to my dad - which was really the whole point of today's blog. It was...strange. It was like talking to a complete stranger and that made me a little sad. He has breathing problems, yet he smokes pretty heavily. I think he is cutting back, at least I hope he is. We didn't talk long and I really didn't address a lot of the things I have been feeling. It just didn't seem like the right time.

I think I would like to talk to him again though. I just want to know more about him, who is he, who is was, who he wanted to be... I am not sure what kind of relationship I want with him, certainly not a father/daughter one - it's a little late for that. Right now, I just want to know more about him.

I will say this, I think my mom is the best. I hope that my wondering about him doesn't make her think that I think any less of her. In spite of being a single mother, I had a good, stable childhood - I never doubted her love for me.

The good thing that came out of my chat with my dad, is that I had a chance to reconnect with my sister. She is 10 years younger and has a 4 year old daughter. Imagine that? Me, an aunt! She wants to visit soon, which I would love, but if she doesn't come here, I am going there. I am so excited. I can't wait to see all the pictures.

She is studying fashion design, which I think is really cool, considering fashion is one of my favorite topics (you may not be able to tell from my jeans rich wardrobe). I am sure we will get along nicely. I am just sad that we lost so much time. I am excited about finally having a sister.

7 Whole Days

What in the world? How did it come to pass that Sacramento has traded Chris Webber to the Sixers? I am TOO through, especially because I chose to go to the Kings/Wizards game this weekend specifically so I could see CWebb. They couldn't have waited a week for this? Why are they trying to keep me and my destiny apart ;) Don't get me wrong, I like Bibby and all, but I have been secretly loving C WEBB for a hot minute - since he was a Bullet....

I guess I will have to find out when the Wizards play the Sixers now and see if a miracle will happen then - sigh.....

UnPretty

I had the worst hair day ever! What in the world? I don't know who authorized me to step outside the house with my hair looking a mess like that! Could I have at least worn a hat? I had a migraine this morning, so I didn't know it was THAT bad, but as my vision cleared, I realized what a hot mess was going on in my hair. How embarassing.

But what's worse than that is having to see yourself in the mirror when someone confronts you with your stuff. You made me some things that weren't so pretty, but I needed to see them. It wasn't easy, but that how it is and that's what will help me grow. I am sorry I caused you pain in the process of my growth.

Nights Like These

It is a night like tonight that makes me wonder why we couldn't get our act together. It helps me remember why I will always love you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Thanks for being a friend.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Ok, I said I wanted it. Why can't I just pick up the phone? What do I say after all this time? It's so hard. I wish someone was here to give me that little push. I need to do this, but I never imagined everything would happen so quickly. I thought I would have more time to....procrastinate. Ok...I just need to breathe. I can do this.

Fresh Perspective

Nothing like a mental health break to help me see things in a different light. I need more of those.

Happy Heart Day

Just wanted to say I love you to all my friends and peeps. You can never hear it too much, and I can never say it enough. Thanks for sharing my life.

Is it a Crime?

It is wrong to expect more from someone than you are willing to give? Probably, but just the same that is where I am. I am not sure it is a matter of will on my part, but perhaps it is a matter of ability. I just need some time. It's unreasonable by all accounts, but I think I am a little intimidated. Just saying that bothers me. I hate to think of myself as being intimidated by anything.

I am afraid of what you might think if you realize I am not perfect and that I don't always have it all together. I realize on a logical level, you already know that I am not perfect, and that you have already seen some of my imperfections. But maybe I am so self conscious about my perception of my faults, that I just can't get past them right now.

I feel bad that I haven't cleared up some of your misconceptions about me. I certainly should have by now. Some of them are very basic. I am so afraid of screwing this up, that that is exactly what I am doing. How can you know me if I don't allow you to see me? The last time I opened my heart....the results were not what I'd hoped.

It was like talking to a wall. It still is. What is there left to say? Last week was a fluke. I was just caught off guard. Nothing has changed, there is no need to see what will happen. I haven't changed my mind. A line has been crossed and there is no going back.

But the hard part is not taking all the crap with me. I am trying to let that go... the good thing is that no matter happens between us, I have taken a huge step all because of you. If I could just articulate that....

Drink and Dreads

Haven't I been down this road before? What in the world? OK, at least time I didn't go all the way down the road, but I just have this thing... The first thing is... why is it that I can barely handle one drink? One drink is way more than enough and now that I have lost a little weight, it's even worse. Straight to the head. Moderation is best for me. I was out of it for a minute.

And this thing with dreads...well I must admit it may be a little more specific than that. Tonight was just a substitute for the real thing. Did I just say that? It can't be true. It is true. I am in denial, I think that is a safe place for me to be right now. Once I leave there, I will have to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.

Plan B

Marry rich?

Ok on the real tip... I haven't even gotten my check and it is already spent - like ALL of it. This is ridiculous. You know, if I am gonna be broke, can I at least like my job, or feel like I am making a difference in the world?

The same with the last check....arrghh. I mean I do take about $100 for myself, and save some, but I don't have much to work with. This further adds to my frustration.

I don't know what to think of him. I know what he is up to, but I don't know why.... I have a wall around me I don't think he can climb or break through. It's just too much. Don't ask questions that I don't want to answer. Besides, my actions should tell all. I just feel the need to protect myself at all costs right now.

I can't help. Given how I have been feeling, romantic heartache is not something I would like to add right now. When the time and situation are right, the wall will come down and I will let someone in.

But not now.

Why Have You Forsaken Me?

I feel like I am at the breaking point. Nothing seems to be going right. My frustrations with every aspect of my life are at an all time high and I don't know what to do about any of it. I feel....trapped. I wish I could just run away for awhile, but that would probably only make things worse.

I went to the gym and that didn't even make me feel better - that usually provides some temporary comfort. Now, I really can't think of an outlet for my emotional state. It's just a big ol' mess.

There isn't one thing in particular that is bothering me - it's everything! I find myself feeling jealous of others for a variety of reasons- which is very unnatural for me. I opened a pandora's box and now I feel even worse. I wish I didn't know - as they say - ignorance is bliss.

I found out some very disturbing news about one of my family members and it is so hurtful, I can't even stand it. I remember when this child was born... it's just crazy. I guess all I can do is pray, but I'd really like to shake some sense into him.

I am sick and I am willing to bet a lot of it is due to stress.

I have this burning desire to talk to my sister. I lost contact with her, but I am sure I can find her. She is almost a carbon copy of me. I have only seen her twice, but I hope to change all that. I have always wanted a sister and I hope that we can be close. She lives on the other side of the country, which gives me a great reason to go to California.

I don't know what it will take to pull me out of this funk. But I hate feeling this way.

Dreams

I have been dreaming of you often. It seems so random, but when I dream of someone it must mean something. In my last dream, you sent me a letter, but by the time I got it, someone had opened it and ripped it into pieces. I tried to put the pieces together, but I could never get them all to fit.

I keep having these thoughts that you are sick or even worse...maybe that's why you have been on my mind so much. I want to resolve things with you, but I don't know how when you can't be honest with me.

I don't know what I want from you. Maybe just to talk, maybe to vent. I thought I wanted to know you. But now I am not so sure. I think I just want to know why....

Motivation

What's up with my lack of it? I want a new job, a manfriend and some more freelance money....Why can't I get motivated? I don't even feel like updating my resume, maybe because what I do right now is not so pleasant to articulate. I am so blown. I have been trying to keep myself in check, but it is so hard. I am trying to keep everything in perspective and stay positive. I am competitive and I like winning - losing is so hard. In this case, I probably haven't lost in the long run, but even the short term troubles me.

Maybe if I was an abrasive rude bitch, I could advance. But that's just not me. True - I can be mean sometimes... but for the most part I am pretty nice. I think my "cuteness" sometimes makes it difficult for people to take me seriously. Don't get me wrong, people know when I mean business, but it's just that I look like a kid... it can be annoying sometimes.

On a different note, I want some new clothes so bad it hurts! But I can't do it, it would set me too far back. I will settle for a bunch of tulips - that will put me in a happy mood.

Feels Like Home

That's what I want. When I am with someone I want it to feel so comfortable it is like home.

Prayer

God,

Please watch over my friend. He had surgery yesterday. I pray for his complete healing and recovery and that the pain is not too much, and that he accomplish the plans he has set for himself during his recovery period.

Thanks,

Ms J

Better Be Good To Me

There is this guy who is so sweet to me. I like him a lot, but I am not interested in him romantically. I think he is wonderful and he treats me like a queen. I think he may really be starting to like me and that scares me. I feel like a hypocrite really, because he treats me the way I wished someone else would, but.... No, I am not going to be hard on myself. I just have to let him know, but I won't bring it up unless he does. Besides it could just be my over-inflated ego. Did I mention that I love the way he treats me....it's amazing. I haven't felt like that since....it's been a long time.

Blame it on the Hormones

My apologies. I know I have been bitchy, emotional, and edgy lately. I cry at the drop of a dime and I am a lot more irritable than normal. I know a couple of folks who have commented on my unusual behavior and my outstanding command of the colorful side of the English language (particularly while driving).

I don't mean to be...but that hormone thing is the real deal. I think subconsciously I want others to feel as bad as I do. It's not intentional, that's just how I am feeling at the moment.

The little things that may only slightly irritate me, have infuriated me so much in the past couple of days, I wanted to really curse the perpetrators. It's just annoying.

Like the cleaning guys or just stupid idiots on the street...I hate them. I always have because I can feel them undressing me with their eyes all the time and it is really the most disgusting feeling. AS IF..... EWWW! It's one thing to admire a woman and step correctly, but it is quite another to be so lewd about it. Just one of the many daily annoyances. I wish boys would get a freakin' clue. The hormones kicked in, because I actually almost cussed these fools out yesterday. I wanted run them over....a little dramatic for me.

Then there's someone I have really mixed feelings about. I want to explain, but I am not sure he will be open to what I have to say. There really is a good reason why I have been so weird and I just hope he will let me get it all off my chest. I realized I couldn't handle things a little after the fact and it was awkward, I know. I am still dealing with a lot of other stuff, but I would at least like to have a chance to break it down.

Maybe it's not even worth the explanation, but I would hate to believe that. I am not quite ready to see things that way I suspect they are. I couldn't handle that right now on top of everything else. Once the hormones wear off, I will be able to deal with it a lot easier. Deep down I already know the deal, but I hate playing games. I just want to put it out there, and then so be it. I am just not good at hiding my feelings no matter what they are.

I have this fear that I will never articulate, because I don't want to put it out in the universe. It is my deepest fear, and it kept me from sleeping last night. It's worse than snakes and all the other stuff that creeps me out. It's even worse than my fear of failure. It has been on my mind a lot and I wish I could just make it go away.

All that to say, that in a couple days all will be normal again....