My Not So Glam Life

So I am not as big a wuss as I thought. Actually I just think before I speak and I have to be really sure that I want what I request, because I just might get it. Such is the drama of my job. I must be maturing or slightly crazy or both. I am actually turning down more money, a more glam title (although the position itself is not very glam) to consider taking a totally unglamorous position, (even more unlgam than what I have now) and a possibly sucky title with all the crap that comes with that and yet I think I want to do it - because I think in the long term it will pay off. I just have to stay focused on what I want out of it and get as much as I give. I am all about the win/win, so I think I can make it work. I don't think it could be any worse than where I am right now. There was a precise moment during our departmental meeting where the discussion of this stupid software waned on and on that I just can't do it much longer. I am leaving it in God's hands. I am near the breaking point, but I know I am supposed to wait. So as attractive as this offer might be, I can't take it - because it is not for me. It is nice to feel wanted. I even heard something about a signing bonus - they don't have my price yet - but I know if I wanted to - they would give me what I wanted. But honestly I cannot committ to another job that I only have a half-hearted interest in - the half being my compensation.

If it works out that I get a new boss, I think the job at least in its infancy would be totally unglam. I alays thought I was supposed to have a fabulous life.... somehow I don't think making coffee runs qualifies as fabulous. But whatever, I may not have to do that - but I wouldn't even mind if I did - that is how much I need a change. That can't be worse than working for someone without a clue or spine. It was brought up to me by several people that I could have my supervisor's job... hmmmm, I kinda do a lot of it now, I would do it well, if I didn't have to my job to do as well. However, I have no desire to have it - it is even farther away from the ultimate goal- though it does have a fancy title and hence a greater future market value. But there's a lot of crap that comes with it, and I don't really handle petty stuff well. I actually don't think I would have to deal with that, because I have no tolerance for it, so I think people would resolve their own issues and leave me out of it.

It's mindboggling to me how so much minutia can be so time consuming -and why do I have to hear about it. I literally walked away in the middle of a conversation, because I didn't see anything of value in the dicussion. It was a complaint about me - which valid or not, I owned up to it, and the chips can fall where they may. I have no aplogies to offer. The complaint would have been important to me if I perhaps was an octopus, but since I had to prioritize my activities for that span of time and was not able to accommodate and cover for all the people who called out sick that day - I suppose I should feel...something - yeah I don't and when the complaint was mentioned to me, the supervisor should have had my back and explained that I was literally covering for 3 people at the time all while trying to do my own job. But did he say that - or better yet - did he try to help out? How could I have respect for a jerk like that?

I would never hang someone out to dry like that under those circumstances. I guess that's the loyalty - and oh yeah backbone in me. A simple explanation would have sufficed and if they still had issues then oh well - they can take it up with the big man. I am just one person.

Speaking of unglam - I am currently the biggest loser. I have been the weekly leader for 2 weeks straight now. My clothes are fitting looser - which is great - but the process has been....I've been kicking butt. The hardest part has been getting past the 3pm chocholate craving that happens everyday and the day after I step up my workout game.

This running thing- well I am slowest runner in the history of Nike's. But I have been faithful to it...and I really dig the post runner's high. I had a little issue with my knee but I think I will be just fine.

Face Off

So there I was minding my own business spending an otherwise stellar Saturday afternoon at one of my least favorite places in the world - the grocery store. I am standing in this ridiculously long line waiting to purchase my three items, while at the same time contemplating my life in general and how I was going to accomplish everything I'd promised myself this year, when some random man says, "Why you looking like that? It can't be that bad" Since I am working on my temper and I couldn't think of any nice response, I said nothing. I just stared at him. No one else said anything either. What am I supposed to say? Is there some reason why I should feel compelled to explain the look on my face to a total stranger?

Can I help it if the look on my face is somehow offensive or unpleasant to him? Should I care? I am sure it was a harmless comment, but just what if...it really was as bad as he claimed that I looked? Then what? What if...I was contemplating the plot to my next great novel or screenplay and just like that - someone interrupts my thought process and the idea is lost forever to me. What if a seemingly harmless comment well was... harmful? At the very least it was irritating enough for me to be typing about it now. What if I had been embarrassed? What if I had felt the need to share all the worries, triumphs and concerns on my mind with him? Would he have taken the time to listen? Somehow I doubt it. Is there some unwritten expectation that I should look "happy" or appealing all the time?

Chances are, I won't always be smiling at random people on the street. I might sometimes, I might not. Perhaps if I am not, instead of commanding me to change my demeanor, why not lead by example. They say smiling is contagious and I am sure it is. I do it most of the time. It is hard to not return a smile.

But on the off chance of me not looking the part, I can make only one goal. That regardless, of what I look like on the outside or what I am going through on the inside, that I will always be thankful for everything I have and everything I am.

Hatorade

I am officially a hater. One of my friends got an awesome job offer in San Diego after two long years of pounding the pavement. Of course I am thrilled for her - she deserves it. That means if I ever visit San Diego, I will have someone to have dinner with. So I am not really hating on her, but I am hating on...

My coworker is going to the Superbowl. She just be happens to be dating someone who obviously has money or pull or both and now they are going - just like that. I want to have a glam life like that.

Why can't I have that? My boyfriend always says, "if you plan it, you can do it". The thing is, I don't know how to plan to be fabulous. How does one plan for that? If I knew, it would be in the works as we speak.

I had a thought today as I fell off the biggest loser wagon (that's an entirely different story) that as much as I was opposed to the idea, I should be using my feminine wiles to improve my career. Except, I am not sure I still have any wiles. And what the heck do I do with them? Surely I must have them somewhere. I must put that in my calendar to find them and use them at will. This is a tragic result of being a tomboy for most of my life.

Although I haven't read the book, my best friend mentioned a book she was reading entitled "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office". The title alone is pretty intriguing to me. I think people do view me as "nice". That's unfortunate. I need to work on that. The truth is, I am not always nice. I am shy, but I can be as bitchy as I am nice. I am fiery when necessary and I stand my ground on things that are important to me. But I am naturally optimistic and I generally like most people. I do hate confrontations though and I avoid them unless it is related to my bank account.

So what do I need to do to change my "nice" veneer? I can't change my "cuteness" which has been the bane of my existence for (well always). Being cute is definitely not an asset. I have tried to change that, but to no avail. I hear people say it all the time and it really pisses me off. I'd much rather be exotic or quirky or dayumn...well maybe not dayumn because then everyone would want to sleep with me. Exotic or quirky would be great. It's like having an outstanding characteristic that people remember and that makes a person stand out. Cute sucks.

Why haven't I figured this out yet?

Insanity Revisited

There is something about January that makes me think about my ex. Maybe it's the time where I reflect on my life and think about all the progress I've made and all the mistakes I made - and how long I made them. I mean - seriously - what was I thinking? How could I do the same stupid thing year after year? I was certainly no angel in all of the madness. I'll be the first to admit that - which is why it is so mind boggling that I thought it could be worked out. Is it possible to be in a relationship and feel nothing - there must have been a point when I loved him, but I remember hating him more than anything else. Then, I remember all the other men I emotionally bonded with during that time. You would think that would have been a hint. I went through the biggest moral test in my life and I technically passed, but....I contemplated doing the unthinkable - at least for me - and did I feel remotely guilty because of my ex - absolutely - I didn't even care what he thought. I felt bad because I allowed myself to get too involved with a married man. Yet when it came down to it, I was the one who drew the line, but I certainly didn't deserve any prize for that, because I wanted to cross it - but the guilt was too much. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. As it was, I felt really bad for even thinking it. But he was one of many men I got at least emotionally involved with...

I think I am afraid of who I was then- I never want to be that person again. Fearful. Everything I did was motivated by fear. I was with him because I was afraid. I wouldn't marry him becasue I was afraid (yet that was warranted) I stayed so long, because I was convinced that I was too old to date again and dating sounded really...scary. Indifference eventually won out - thank god. Being ok with idea of being alone for the rest of my life before settling to live a loveless marriage filled with resentment finally got me out of the maze.

To be fair, he isn't a terrible person. I am sure he will make someone very happy - god bless her.

Decisions, Indecision

I haven't had a full nights sleep in a week. Why couldn't I just say it? What is my problem? I don't know why I am so afraid. I think I am pissed with myself which is why I can't sleep. I came about two seconds away from getting darned close to what I want - and then I freeze. In fact, I got offered exactly what I said I wanted - sorta. If I had taken the bait... Do I really want what I think I want? If I did, wouldn't I stop being timid about it? I think the rewards outweigh the risks - I think. It at least seems like I could place myself in a better position in the long run - although it could be a minor setback in the short term. Am I still crazy and impetuous as I was in my 20s? I would hope that I have gained a little wisdom and self-control since then.

This is the deal - something has got to change. I am starting to feel suffocated again - so do I leave one situation and head for a similar one, but with greater financial rewards, or do I stay and try to make my situation better? Can I actually do it? Probably....if that's what it takes. I don't know if I can do what I am supposed to do- much less take on any additional. I have been - eh not at my best or even 50%.

I thought the new year would help lift me out of all that, but not so much. I am even worse than December - and I was all about vacation. Speaking of which, that is yet another decsision I can't seem to make - where to spend Memorial Day? Outer Banks, LA, cruise? I have to go somewhere....

I am looking forward to Las Vegas. Only a month and some change away! See, that's all I look forward to - weekends and vacation and lunch....de'ja vu.

Year of the Hustle

I have some of the best interns ever. One of them had deemed 2007 the "Year of the Hustle" and I couldn't agree more. I am ready to get my game on - so I am going to work on that nonstop. I have to just get over myself and get my hustle on. I am shooting for 6 figures, but more than that I am just trying to be happy with how I put in my time. 2006 wasn't bad, but I am optimistic that 2007 will be even better.

I am in a bit of a funk right now, but just by virtue of me typing this, I am know I am headed in the right direction.

I'm a Loser, Baby

Yeah, that's right and I am trying to lose as much as possible - weight that is. I am in the office Biggest Loser pool. I am the only woman in the contest. The most tramautic moment was the initial weigh in. Who knew I was that big? 139 pounds. That's more than I have ever weighed and a lot for a person of my stature. I was shocked and horrified - when did all that happen? I knew my clothes were getting a little snug, but I chalked that up to laundry gods and just bought bigger sizes. After the initial shock - I think I may have cried a little - I decided that I had to something - so I joined the running club and started working out and have cut back on sweets (a little).

I amazed that I have only missed one run since I have joined - we run twice a week. I have always hated running. I could never imagine why someone would torture themselves that way. In fact, I am sure that it is why I am an awesome outfielder. We used to have to run laps everytime we missed a ball, so I just caught everything that came near me. It is starting to grow on me - I am probably the slowest runner in the world, but I keep it moving. I think I will run a 10K this year. I am on track to do that - I can't believe I am even contemplating such a challenge, but now its seems doable.

I think the most frustrating thing is that I haven't lost of ton of weight yet. It has been coming very slowly - patience is not one of my strong characteristics, but I haven't had much choice. We weigh in ever Friday and this will go on until Mid-March. Naturally since I mentioned my patience issue, I periodically check my weight during the week. I walk up a flight of stairs and check the scale - surely that had to have burned 5 pounds - at least - but no such luck....

Ok, so now I want more money and a new job. I could get both probably without too many problems, but I don't want the same type of job that I have now. I have figured out my ideal job for now, but no such position exists at my company. I would gladly do it, I am trying to test the waters to see if I can present it as an alternative to my current position. I would love to define it and I think it would be a step in the right direction for me. I could leave the company easily and get more money - I already have a few leads on that - but quite honestly I really am not ready to leave yet.

The best news yet is that after all this time, I now have a drive which has the footage to my film, which means it can be cut a lot better than it was - I will have to find music, which I don't think should be a problem. But I am worried a little about continuity - I knew some of those issues would come up when we were shooting - but that was just one more argument. At any rate there is a part I would like to cut out completely, but I am not sure how to do it yet. I didn't think I would ever have this opportunity and the whole experience was so tramautic for me, I just kinda put it out of my head.

So much to do - so little time.