IS HE KIDDING ME? Seriously, am I in the twilight zone? He better think twice, because I am about to play my trump card, and it is the Big Joker, baby. Don't screw with me, just because I am nice. Don't play yourself - I am sharper than I look. Bad karma is a beast.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Competitive By Nature
I have always known that I have a competitive streak, but I never thought I was overly competitive. That is, until I had a conversation with my ex last night. I am competitive when it comes to sports, Jeopardy and stuff like that, but what he suggested last night was that we were both competitive about everything. I had to think about that for a moment.... Could that be true? I didn't feel that way at the time. And now that I have had time to digest it all, I don't think I intended to be competitive at EVERYTHING. I was under the delusion that we were a team, so teammates usually cooperate rather compete. I think that as usual, we are on two separate wavelengths....
On a good note, Jill Scott's album drops today :)
On a good note, Jill Scott's album drops today :)
Sunday, August 29, 2004
e-harmony
I don't know if it was boredom, desparation or both. Recently, I participated in the e-harmony survey - you know the whole 29 points of compatibility thing. I have gotten some "matches" based on my reply, but I just really am hesitant about really trying the service. I don't know if it is the mental stigma I have towards dating services in general or what?
There's a part of me that believes it is too good to be true. I guess I was really bored and just wanted to see what would happen. But now that I got some responses, I am shying away from the whole thing. I guess there is something about putting yourself out there, that I am not comfortable with, I was never really like that before..... but now I am a little gun shy.
Perhaps I am not as ready as I claim to be.
There's a part of me that believes it is too good to be true. I guess I was really bored and just wanted to see what would happen. But now that I got some responses, I am shying away from the whole thing. I guess there is something about putting yourself out there, that I am not comfortable with, I was never really like that before..... but now I am a little gun shy.
Perhaps I am not as ready as I claim to be.
Independence Is....
A lil something I wrote a while back.
Independence Is
The ability
To let your mind be free
The courage to pursue
All you can be
To live a life
Free of regret
To take responsibility
For all your mistakes
To use the power of knowledge
To live your dream
To choose to give love
Unconditionally
To obey his Word
And nurture your gifts
To share with others
When they need a lift
To depend on God
For all that you need
While giving to others
As you proceed
To initiate change
When injustice looms
To be a spirit
That lights up the room
To answer the call
When God tells you “go”
To be obedient
When you want to say no
To live a life without fear
Knowing that God in
His wisdom
Is always near
Independence Is
The ability
To let your mind be free
The courage to pursue
All you can be
To live a life
Free of regret
To take responsibility
For all your mistakes
To use the power of knowledge
To live your dream
To choose to give love
Unconditionally
To obey his Word
And nurture your gifts
To share with others
When they need a lift
To depend on God
For all that you need
While giving to others
As you proceed
To initiate change
When injustice looms
To be a spirit
That lights up the room
To answer the call
When God tells you “go”
To be obedient
When you want to say no
To live a life without fear
Knowing that God in
His wisdom
Is always near
Tubing
What a nice relaxing day. Today I went tubing at Harper's Ferry, thanks to Rita. It helped ease my mind and let me leave the world behind if only for a moment. The rapids were thrilling, although I must admit it took me awhile to get comfortable. But once I got the hang of it, it was really nice. My cell phone was roaming so I was virtually inacessible most of the day, which can be good at times. Oh, it is so beautiful there. I want to go back and maybe do a tour of some sort. There is so much history there, I am sure it would be awesome. I bet it is even more beautiful when autumn arrives. I met some really cool people and just had a great time. If you have a chance, check out www.buttstubes.com and try to give them a visit before summer is gone. It's good cheap fun and it is only about an hour from the DC metro area. I will post pics later if they come out, my camera got wet. Oh, if you go, you WILL get wet. You should take some water shoes or sneakers you don't mind getting wet, a towel, sunscreen, bug spray and a change of clothes. Some people had coolers with them, but I am not yet that sophisticated :)
Friday, August 27, 2004
Dues please?
My god, when will my dues be paid?
Let me preface this by saying Thank God I still have a job, especially with the way things are going at work. But I have higher expectations for myself and for my career. My job is just not challenging at all - I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying - the same way I was starting to feel in the lab.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the company I work for, for the first time in my life. Ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to work for them, and now I do (sort of). I am a contractor, but even still, it's a decent gig. But I think when I first started I was in the honeymoon phase, where (almost) everyday was great and I loved everybody. That's still true for the most part, but I am now really thinking about what it is I want to do.
The TRUTH is, I am very creative person, I am also very analytical (if those 2 can go together), my current job really doesn't allow me to utilize my talent. I need more responsibility, more excitement. I worry that without the right responsibility and mentor, I won't be able to "climb the corporate ladder". There is NO WAY in the world I am going to allow to get trapped into a job that doesn't allow me to grow. Been there, done that.
I have adjusted to the hours. I get a lot more done outside of work now than ever before, since I am a morning person. Despite the lack of challenge, I do think there is a positive side to all of this. I think that when things are slow, I can learn from the night editors. I think there are a few who may be willing to help me, because let's face it, administrative stuff is not my really thing, especially the low end administrative stuff.
I was born to be a leader, not to be someone's secretary. I know it's just a matter of time and that sometimes it takes awhile for the things that you work for to come to fruition, but patience is not really one of my virtues.
I think in a way, my need for security is one of the things that is holding me back. The other thing is confidence - not confidence in my ability - I have known all my life that I was one smart cookie :). I think it's the kind of confidence you need when you walk into a room and you feel you own it. I am not there yet on that one, but I am working on it. I haven't been secure in a long time, and it feels good to have an inkling of security. Stepping out on faith is hard, plus I think it's all a matter of timing. I guess opportunity is the marriage of timing and ability, so I WILL be patient (with God's help), and when the timing is right, I will make sure I am ready.
Let me preface this by saying Thank God I still have a job, especially with the way things are going at work. But I have higher expectations for myself and for my career. My job is just not challenging at all - I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying - the same way I was starting to feel in the lab.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the company I work for, for the first time in my life. Ever since I moved to DC, I have wanted to work for them, and now I do (sort of). I am a contractor, but even still, it's a decent gig. But I think when I first started I was in the honeymoon phase, where (almost) everyday was great and I loved everybody. That's still true for the most part, but I am now really thinking about what it is I want to do.
The TRUTH is, I am very creative person, I am also very analytical (if those 2 can go together), my current job really doesn't allow me to utilize my talent. I need more responsibility, more excitement. I worry that without the right responsibility and mentor, I won't be able to "climb the corporate ladder". There is NO WAY in the world I am going to allow to get trapped into a job that doesn't allow me to grow. Been there, done that.
I have adjusted to the hours. I get a lot more done outside of work now than ever before, since I am a morning person. Despite the lack of challenge, I do think there is a positive side to all of this. I think that when things are slow, I can learn from the night editors. I think there are a few who may be willing to help me, because let's face it, administrative stuff is not my really thing, especially the low end administrative stuff.
I was born to be a leader, not to be someone's secretary. I know it's just a matter of time and that sometimes it takes awhile for the things that you work for to come to fruition, but patience is not really one of my virtues.
I think in a way, my need for security is one of the things that is holding me back. The other thing is confidence - not confidence in my ability - I have known all my life that I was one smart cookie :). I think it's the kind of confidence you need when you walk into a room and you feel you own it. I am not there yet on that one, but I am working on it. I haven't been secure in a long time, and it feels good to have an inkling of security. Stepping out on faith is hard, plus I think it's all a matter of timing. I guess opportunity is the marriage of timing and ability, so I WILL be patient (with God's help), and when the timing is right, I will make sure I am ready.
Money Changes Things
A couple of days ago, I saw someone who owed me money from awhile back. I had done some photography for her and she had used the pictures on her website. This person made it obvious that she was not going to pay me, because she went on a rampage proclaiming that all I care about is money, and tried to make me feel guilty for even asking. I did not feel guilty or appreciate her attempt. I could have handled her saying "I don't have it" more than trying to make me feel as though I had the problem. The interesting thing is it has been about 2 years since I've really seen her, but the moment I saw her, all I could think was "where is my money?" Not hello, how are you, or anything that reflects concern for her well-being - just "where is my money?"
But I learned a valuable lesson from all that. First, always have a contract between two parties so that the expectations are clear and can be enforced in court of law (even among friends). You see, I thought that because we were friends that she would respect our relationship enough to honor our verbal agreement. BIG MISTAKE! Second, especially in my line of work, always require a deposit before any services are rendered, so at the very least your personal expenses are covered. Third, beware of people with sad stories and who always appear to be victimized (because soon you will be the big bad wolf in their latest saga).
Also, never loan money to a friend - it tends to put a price tag on the relationship. For example if you loaned a friend $250 and for some reason they did not pay you back, you pretty much lost the relationship for $250, because with the friend's failure to pay back, there is a certain level of trust and respect that is lost, and that will inevitably affect the relationship. If you do "loan" money to a friend, then do it with no expectation. In other words, either give your friend the money or if you can't afford that, then offer moral support.
I wouldn't go so far as to say never mix business with friends, because my business is based on word of mouth, BUT keep it professional.
But I learned a valuable lesson from all that. First, always have a contract between two parties so that the expectations are clear and can be enforced in court of law (even among friends). You see, I thought that because we were friends that she would respect our relationship enough to honor our verbal agreement. BIG MISTAKE! Second, especially in my line of work, always require a deposit before any services are rendered, so at the very least your personal expenses are covered. Third, beware of people with sad stories and who always appear to be victimized (because soon you will be the big bad wolf in their latest saga).
Also, never loan money to a friend - it tends to put a price tag on the relationship. For example if you loaned a friend $250 and for some reason they did not pay you back, you pretty much lost the relationship for $250, because with the friend's failure to pay back, there is a certain level of trust and respect that is lost, and that will inevitably affect the relationship. If you do "loan" money to a friend, then do it with no expectation. In other words, either give your friend the money or if you can't afford that, then offer moral support.
I wouldn't go so far as to say never mix business with friends, because my business is based on word of mouth, BUT keep it professional.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
U.S. Open
I can not wait until the U.S. Open! I will actually be there on 9/11 for the women's final. I am so thrilled. I love tennis and this is the opportunity of a lifetime. All thanks to Chau and Bryan. Bryan made me realize that this dream was attainable and Chau helped bring it all to life. It is always good to have something great to anticipate :)
Ever since my "independence", I have made a point a living a happier, healthier life. So getting back into shape is one goal. The next is to take time to enjoy life and not feel guilty about it. I just want to take control over my life as much as possible.
Good friends make life so much better. Here is a good quote: "A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway" - Christi Mary Warner
Thank God for friends :)
Ever since my "independence", I have made a point a living a happier, healthier life. So getting back into shape is one goal. The next is to take time to enjoy life and not feel guilty about it. I just want to take control over my life as much as possible.
Good friends make life so much better. Here is a good quote: "A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway" - Christi Mary Warner
Thank God for friends :)
Kudos
Kudos to me for going to the gym today :) I am committed to getting back in shape and staying in shape. I know I will never be 20 again, but it would be nice to have flashes of it every now and then.
He likes me, he likes me not....
Why do men play stupid games? Just ASK already! Maybe I'll say yes. But I won't have the opportunity if you never ask. Why all the beating around the bush, and then suggesting that I am some type of "playa". That is the most ridiculous assumption ever. It's true that I am not going to make a committment after one date nor am I going to limit myself. But I am honest and I don't play games. If I like you, I like you - do I have to marry you just because I like you? Shouldn't I have the opportunity to get to know you FIRST before becoming exclusive? i.e sleeping with you. That really wasn't a question. That's who I am.
I was in a 7 year on again off again relationship, so I am really not into wasting time anymore. I want to settle down and have a family. That is just as important than my career goals. I want to find a man that will allow me to understand him, one who is open, honest, gainfully employed and considerate. I would prefer a Christian man, and by that I mean someone who is not the conservative, judgemental, brainlesss weirdo type of Christian, but as I call it, the common sense Christian! Someone who loves God and tries to live by the golden rule, but is really cool. Anybody know somebody who fits that description?
Oh, one more thing and this sounds how it sounds. Please, no people who work at the supermarket or similar jobs as their main source of imcome. I am not a gold-digger, but I do like people with drive and ambition. And if you are my age, with that type of job..... that's another blog. Besides, what would we talk about?
I was in a 7 year on again off again relationship, so I am really not into wasting time anymore. I want to settle down and have a family. That is just as important than my career goals. I want to find a man that will allow me to understand him, one who is open, honest, gainfully employed and considerate. I would prefer a Christian man, and by that I mean someone who is not the conservative, judgemental, brainlesss weirdo type of Christian, but as I call it, the common sense Christian! Someone who loves God and tries to live by the golden rule, but is really cool. Anybody know somebody who fits that description?
Oh, one more thing and this sounds how it sounds. Please, no people who work at the supermarket or similar jobs as their main source of imcome. I am not a gold-digger, but I do like people with drive and ambition. And if you are my age, with that type of job..... that's another blog. Besides, what would we talk about?
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Overworked and .....
There never seems to be enough hours in the day. Today was no exception. I have been praying for more and more projects, which is slowly starting to happen. I am very happy about it, because I am truly doing what I love to do :) But my PC can be a pain, which makes multimedia projects a little difficult. On a positive note, I will be getting a MAC loaded with Photoshop and the latest version of Final Cut Pro. Today was paperwork day, which is probably my least favorite part of my side gigs, but without it, I don't get paid!
Lately it seems like all I do is work, which leaves little time for dating. But maybe I just haven't met the right guy, yet. My last dating experience was such a debacle, but I cut it off fast, as to avoid the drama. But I really want to start dating again. But how?
There is a guy at work.... that I think is really hot. But we work at the same place, and I am not really into the work romance thing....
Songs of the moment: Jill Scott - Living My Life like it's Golden; Not sure of the artist, but the song is called "I Believe" Bravo for making life better through music.
Lately it seems like all I do is work, which leaves little time for dating. But maybe I just haven't met the right guy, yet. My last dating experience was such a debacle, but I cut it off fast, as to avoid the drama. But I really want to start dating again. But how?
There is a guy at work.... that I think is really hot. But we work at the same place, and I am not really into the work romance thing....
Songs of the moment: Jill Scott - Living My Life like it's Golden; Not sure of the artist, but the song is called "I Believe" Bravo for making life better through music.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Comfort Food
There's nothing like comfort food with friends to make everything seem a little bit better. Thank you to Chau, Michelle, Farah, Andy and the Cheesecake factory for a little clarity and moments of heaven :)
Of course comfort food has its place - and that place is the gym. I joined the gym today and will be well on my way to a healthier, toner me.
I have had time to think about how to proceed with "Choices" and it's something that if I could have done before, I would have. I would like to recut the film from start to finish, so that it matches my vision and hopefully will do all the talented people involved justice.
In the meantime, I will have to have a conversation with Stefan, because I don't want it shown again until changes are made. He needs to understand that this film is not just about Latoure Entertainment - and it never should have been about that at all. It is about story, the actors and bringing life to the written world in a meaningful, artistic way - and what he did - was completely the opposite.
Even still, I am so thankful for all the support that everyone offered. I feel bad that I was unable to say a few words of gratitude, but I will try to make sure that everyone knows how much it meant for their support.
Of course comfort food has its place - and that place is the gym. I joined the gym today and will be well on my way to a healthier, toner me.
I have had time to think about how to proceed with "Choices" and it's something that if I could have done before, I would have. I would like to recut the film from start to finish, so that it matches my vision and hopefully will do all the talented people involved justice.
In the meantime, I will have to have a conversation with Stefan, because I don't want it shown again until changes are made. He needs to understand that this film is not just about Latoure Entertainment - and it never should have been about that at all. It is about story, the actors and bringing life to the written world in a meaningful, artistic way - and what he did - was completely the opposite.
Even still, I am so thankful for all the support that everyone offered. I feel bad that I was unable to say a few words of gratitude, but I will try to make sure that everyone knows how much it meant for their support.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Of Rage and.....
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Even when the boob popped out of my bridesmaid dress was not as embarrassing as the debacle that occurred last night.
But first the good things......The turn out for the film was great - I couldn't believe how supportive everyone had been. And I did look cute ;) My friends from work came - I was so happy that they came - it meant a lot to me and they all got dressed up and they looked so good. Another good thing - at least the cast felt my pain and anguish. And last good thing, the alcohol I drank last night helped me to not seriously HURT someone.
First of all, I am not at all ghetto, but this was the most ghettofied thing I have ever experienced in my life. First we started late, which I could almost forgive, if the film had been completed. Second, the "executive producer" gets on stage and tells the audience this B.S. about his hard drive, blah blah blah (I am a no excuses kind of gal), so that didn't fly with me. Let me rewind and say that he had no credits on the film - beginning or ending credits! He told me that on the phone after I had already arrived, so I was already annoyed. But I didn't find about the sound mix until he was on stage telling the audience about it!
OH MY GOD - it was a horror of horrors. It would have been better for him to postpone it than to embarrass me and the entire cast like that. So on with the debacle itself. Sim the balladeer(not sure if I spelled his name right), comes on stage and performs one of the songs from the film.... that was cool and all, but it would have been better had Stef done something with the lights - but of course nobody else knows how to do anything.......but whatever. SO that was cool, but then he tries to set up his lap top and that's when it all goes downhill.
Can I tell you the SHOCK AND HORROR I felt when I saw that the promotion just before my film had all this ghetto stuff on it? It was like BET UNCUT, which is so inappropriate for the context of the film. SO we are off to a great start. After a series of annoying loud beeps and stuff, the film finally comes on - and when I say comes on - it just does that. No music, no credits, no sound! There were jump cuts everywhere - weird little nonsensical scenes that I had never seen before - and what it made it so bad.... was that they were unbearably long. A scene of Monique walking for what seemed like forever, a scene of Latoya driving through the city - not for any particular reason- just driving..... oh and let's not forget the music she was listening to that I seriously doubt had been cleared.
The editing was so choppy and I could see the boom, the tripod stand, and it seems like when we talked we agreed not to use those shots.....but Stefan wanted to do what he wanted to do. He called me Thursday and asked how I would feel about not having credits and I told him that was NOT an option. But again, he wanted to do what he wanted to do.
I felt so bad for everyone - because it was hard to endure. So I decided to have a strong drink - because I so needed to after this. (I should have started drinking earlier and I might not have been so pissed) And he has the NERVE to show up with some people from church. Fortunately, he was far from me. Because so help me I would have done some very unchristian things. And then earlier he tried to speak to me and said "hey, it's not my fault".
Well, then if it is not his fault, then who should I blame? I know I share some responsibility in this, because I let his ego go unchecked for so long. And it was the way he said it - as if I was tripping or over-reacting. UNBELIEVABLE - he made me look like a fool in front of about 400 people and I am tripping. Because he showed up with an unfinished product, with cheesy music in most places. The best song wasn't even used - that would have been the opening.
OK my thoughts are still a little incoherent - because of the alcohol and my delirium. I think I need to move to.............anywhere else!
Hopefully today will be better and I can live down this nightmare.
But first the good things......The turn out for the film was great - I couldn't believe how supportive everyone had been. And I did look cute ;) My friends from work came - I was so happy that they came - it meant a lot to me and they all got dressed up and they looked so good. Another good thing - at least the cast felt my pain and anguish. And last good thing, the alcohol I drank last night helped me to not seriously HURT someone.
First of all, I am not at all ghetto, but this was the most ghettofied thing I have ever experienced in my life. First we started late, which I could almost forgive, if the film had been completed. Second, the "executive producer" gets on stage and tells the audience this B.S. about his hard drive, blah blah blah (I am a no excuses kind of gal), so that didn't fly with me. Let me rewind and say that he had no credits on the film - beginning or ending credits! He told me that on the phone after I had already arrived, so I was already annoyed. But I didn't find about the sound mix until he was on stage telling the audience about it!
OH MY GOD - it was a horror of horrors. It would have been better for him to postpone it than to embarrass me and the entire cast like that. So on with the debacle itself. Sim the balladeer(not sure if I spelled his name right), comes on stage and performs one of the songs from the film.... that was cool and all, but it would have been better had Stef done something with the lights - but of course nobody else knows how to do anything.......but whatever. SO that was cool, but then he tries to set up his lap top and that's when it all goes downhill.
Can I tell you the SHOCK AND HORROR I felt when I saw that the promotion just before my film had all this ghetto stuff on it? It was like BET UNCUT, which is so inappropriate for the context of the film. SO we are off to a great start. After a series of annoying loud beeps and stuff, the film finally comes on - and when I say comes on - it just does that. No music, no credits, no sound! There were jump cuts everywhere - weird little nonsensical scenes that I had never seen before - and what it made it so bad.... was that they were unbearably long. A scene of Monique walking for what seemed like forever, a scene of Latoya driving through the city - not for any particular reason- just driving..... oh and let's not forget the music she was listening to that I seriously doubt had been cleared.
The editing was so choppy and I could see the boom, the tripod stand, and it seems like when we talked we agreed not to use those shots.....but Stefan wanted to do what he wanted to do. He called me Thursday and asked how I would feel about not having credits and I told him that was NOT an option. But again, he wanted to do what he wanted to do.
I felt so bad for everyone - because it was hard to endure. So I decided to have a strong drink - because I so needed to after this. (I should have started drinking earlier and I might not have been so pissed) And he has the NERVE to show up with some people from church. Fortunately, he was far from me. Because so help me I would have done some very unchristian things. And then earlier he tried to speak to me and said "hey, it's not my fault".
Well, then if it is not his fault, then who should I blame? I know I share some responsibility in this, because I let his ego go unchecked for so long. And it was the way he said it - as if I was tripping or over-reacting. UNBELIEVABLE - he made me look like a fool in front of about 400 people and I am tripping. Because he showed up with an unfinished product, with cheesy music in most places. The best song wasn't even used - that would have been the opening.
OK my thoughts are still a little incoherent - because of the alcohol and my delirium. I think I need to move to.............anywhere else!
Hopefully today will be better and I can live down this nightmare.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
D-Day
Today, I am quite perplexed. The film premiere is tonight, which I am mildly excited about - except for one thing - well maybe two - or three. IT'S NOT DONE YET! meaning I haven't seen it. Meaning it has my name on in and I haven't seen it. Meaning I am so angry, I don't know what to do. My film has been high-jacked by an egomaniac who only cares about himself and giving himself all the credit for EVERYTHING. He already made it sound like it wouldn't have been possible without HIM.
I say it wouldn't have been possible without EVERYONE. And it is because of everyone else, that I tried to keep my cool. The actors worked so hard - for only food. The least that could happen is the film be done - on the day of the premiere! That is the real reason why I haven't been advertising the film. I haven't seen it. And I had a couple issues with the parts I saw - like the credits.... but whatever. How selfish do you have to be, to NOT have the film completed long before now? It is more than just him involved.
My other issue is I need to find a purse. I am taking my camera, to commemorate the evening. Even if I am completely embarrassed, there is no need to not be cute ;)
I guess I will go start getting ready.
I say it wouldn't have been possible without EVERYONE. And it is because of everyone else, that I tried to keep my cool. The actors worked so hard - for only food. The least that could happen is the film be done - on the day of the premiere! That is the real reason why I haven't been advertising the film. I haven't seen it. And I had a couple issues with the parts I saw - like the credits.... but whatever. How selfish do you have to be, to NOT have the film completed long before now? It is more than just him involved.
My other issue is I need to find a purse. I am taking my camera, to commemorate the evening. Even if I am completely embarrassed, there is no need to not be cute ;)
I guess I will go start getting ready.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Jitters, Critters and more.....
Jitters
I am a hodgepodge of emotions at this moment. I am anxious, upset, irritated, excited, and perplexed. My film premiere (and I use the term "my" loosely) is tomorrow night at the Takoma Theatre. It is a feature length film entitled "Choices", which addresses one of those taboo subjects. I didn't really want the film to be known as the "abortion flick", I really want the audience to see that it isn't about abortion, necessarily at all. It is about coming to terms with who you are, being able to resolve childhood issues, and the ability to both give and receive love and forgiveness. I admit, that is the quite ambitious endeavor for a film that was supposed to be a short, but evolved into a little over an hour.
Critters
The main reason I have such mixed emotions about it is because I have not seen the finished product. I can't even begin to describe how pissed I am about that. I was pissed long before this, but I decided to just back off, because the process was so draining. My issues largely deal with the "executive producer" and I use that term loosely and his obsessive need to control everything. I use the term loosely, because it's a term that he gave himself, we never had a discussion about him doing that, but because he provided most of the equipment, and shot and is still editing (yes, I said still), then he deserves a lot of credit.
My issue isn't that he did those things, it was just the way.... it was his way of communicating with me. He wanted to do everything - he turned film into a unilateral venture, when if anyone who has ever done film knows it is a collaborative effort.
The shooting process was so exhausting, it seemed we were constantly arguing. Believe it or not, I hate arguing. But what is worse (bear in mind that I wrote, directed and helped produce this film) is that every time there was some sort of issue, he brought all the cast into it, like he wanted them to pick sides. To me, that was the biggest sign of disrespect and I chose not to go off about it, because typically I don't like to put all my issues "out there". I am not particularly reserved, but there are things that I like to be discreet.
More
All that to say, that after shooting, I was so exhausted from dealing with him, that for awhile, I wanted nothing to do with it for awhile. I needed a break! There was only so much I could take..... Another thing is, my heart is in editing (and I guess that is the control freak in me) I believe that editing is the life blood of any type of production. The way something is edited can change meaning, context, pace, everything about a film. Personally, I would have loved to edit the film myself, or at least have considerable influence..... that's an entirely new discussion.
The thing is the production was nothing like anything I have ever experienced. The "EP" took over the entire film, and I think I would have been a lot nastier about it, but I saw how much all the actors put into it, and I held back for their sake.
One of the actors in particular has gone way above and beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He pretty much has planned the entire premiere. His passion is unquestionable and I am extremely grateful - I think mainly because of his belief and enthusiasm. The only issue I had and still do, is that the film wasn't done. I think the premiere date was set 2 months ago (maybe longer) and so knowing that, I would think that the editing would be done by now. But it isn't, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just worry about being embarassed in front of my friends and co-workers, mainly because of someone's huge ego and procrastination.....
C'est La Vie. Live and Learn
I am a hodgepodge of emotions at this moment. I am anxious, upset, irritated, excited, and perplexed. My film premiere (and I use the term "my" loosely) is tomorrow night at the Takoma Theatre. It is a feature length film entitled "Choices", which addresses one of those taboo subjects. I didn't really want the film to be known as the "abortion flick", I really want the audience to see that it isn't about abortion, necessarily at all. It is about coming to terms with who you are, being able to resolve childhood issues, and the ability to both give and receive love and forgiveness. I admit, that is the quite ambitious endeavor for a film that was supposed to be a short, but evolved into a little over an hour.
Critters
The main reason I have such mixed emotions about it is because I have not seen the finished product. I can't even begin to describe how pissed I am about that. I was pissed long before this, but I decided to just back off, because the process was so draining. My issues largely deal with the "executive producer" and I use that term loosely and his obsessive need to control everything. I use the term loosely, because it's a term that he gave himself, we never had a discussion about him doing that, but because he provided most of the equipment, and shot and is still editing (yes, I said still), then he deserves a lot of credit.
My issue isn't that he did those things, it was just the way.... it was his way of communicating with me. He wanted to do everything - he turned film into a unilateral venture, when if anyone who has ever done film knows it is a collaborative effort.
The shooting process was so exhausting, it seemed we were constantly arguing. Believe it or not, I hate arguing. But what is worse (bear in mind that I wrote, directed and helped produce this film) is that every time there was some sort of issue, he brought all the cast into it, like he wanted them to pick sides. To me, that was the biggest sign of disrespect and I chose not to go off about it, because typically I don't like to put all my issues "out there". I am not particularly reserved, but there are things that I like to be discreet.
More
All that to say, that after shooting, I was so exhausted from dealing with him, that for awhile, I wanted nothing to do with it for awhile. I needed a break! There was only so much I could take..... Another thing is, my heart is in editing (and I guess that is the control freak in me) I believe that editing is the life blood of any type of production. The way something is edited can change meaning, context, pace, everything about a film. Personally, I would have loved to edit the film myself, or at least have considerable influence..... that's an entirely new discussion.
The thing is the production was nothing like anything I have ever experienced. The "EP" took over the entire film, and I think I would have been a lot nastier about it, but I saw how much all the actors put into it, and I held back for their sake.
One of the actors in particular has gone way above and beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He pretty much has planned the entire premiere. His passion is unquestionable and I am extremely grateful - I think mainly because of his belief and enthusiasm. The only issue I had and still do, is that the film wasn't done. I think the premiere date was set 2 months ago (maybe longer) and so knowing that, I would think that the editing would be done by now. But it isn't, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just worry about being embarassed in front of my friends and co-workers, mainly because of someone's huge ego and procrastination.....
C'est La Vie. Live and Learn
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Welcome to the World of Blogs
Thanks to Chau and Michelle, I have been inspired once again to enter cyberworld on a new and exciting level. Blogging. First with the IM, now this? Does technology have no limits? I have a hand written journal for my most personal thoughts, but here I can share with everyone my most ridiculous or sane thoughts, observations and experiences.
Speaking of new worlds, my friend NJ bought me a SPA WISH gift certificate from www.spawish.com. All I can say is WOW! It took me 9 months to use it, but WOW. The website has a listing of all their affiliate spas all over that states. I chose Robert Andrew in Gambrills, MD. What a fantastic choice. For the first time in my life, I got a pedicure and a manicure and I must say, now I understand! How absolutely heavenly! I think everyone should experience that at least once.
Speaking of new worlds, my friend NJ bought me a SPA WISH gift certificate from www.spawish.com. All I can say is WOW! It took me 9 months to use it, but WOW. The website has a listing of all their affiliate spas all over that states. I chose Robert Andrew in Gambrills, MD. What a fantastic choice. For the first time in my life, I got a pedicure and a manicure and I must say, now I understand! How absolutely heavenly! I think everyone should experience that at least once.
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