Jitters, Critters and more.....

Jitters

I am a hodgepodge of emotions at this moment. I am anxious, upset, irritated, excited, and perplexed. My film premiere (and I use the term "my" loosely) is tomorrow night at the Takoma Theatre. It is a feature length film entitled "Choices", which addresses one of those taboo subjects. I didn't really want the film to be known as the "abortion flick", I really want the audience to see that it isn't about abortion, necessarily at all. It is about coming to terms with who you are, being able to resolve childhood issues, and the ability to both give and receive love and forgiveness. I admit, that is the quite ambitious endeavor for a film that was supposed to be a short, but evolved into a little over an hour.

Critters

The main reason I have such mixed emotions about it is because I have not seen the finished product. I can't even begin to describe how pissed I am about that. I was pissed long before this, but I decided to just back off, because the process was so draining. My issues largely deal with the "executive producer" and I use that term loosely and his obsessive need to control everything. I use the term loosely, because it's a term that he gave himself, we never had a discussion about him doing that, but because he provided most of the equipment, and shot and is still editing (yes, I said still), then he deserves a lot of credit.

My issue isn't that he did those things, it was just the way.... it was his way of communicating with me. He wanted to do everything - he turned film into a unilateral venture, when if anyone who has ever done film knows it is a collaborative effort.

The shooting process was so exhausting, it seemed we were constantly arguing. Believe it or not, I hate arguing. But what is worse (bear in mind that I wrote, directed and helped produce this film) is that every time there was some sort of issue, he brought all the cast into it, like he wanted them to pick sides. To me, that was the biggest sign of disrespect and I chose not to go off about it, because typically I don't like to put all my issues "out there". I am not particularly reserved, but there are things that I like to be discreet.

More

All that to say, that after shooting, I was so exhausted from dealing with him, that for awhile, I wanted nothing to do with it for awhile. I needed a break! There was only so much I could take..... Another thing is, my heart is in editing (and I guess that is the control freak in me) I believe that editing is the life blood of any type of production. The way something is edited can change meaning, context, pace, everything about a film. Personally, I would have loved to edit the film myself, or at least have considerable influence..... that's an entirely new discussion.

The thing is the production was nothing like anything I have ever experienced. The "EP" took over the entire film, and I think I would have been a lot nastier about it, but I saw how much all the actors put into it, and I held back for their sake.

One of the actors in particular has gone way above and beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He pretty much has planned the entire premiere. His passion is unquestionable and I am extremely grateful - I think mainly because of his belief and enthusiasm. The only issue I had and still do, is that the film wasn't done. I think the premiere date was set 2 months ago (maybe longer) and so knowing that, I would think that the editing would be done by now. But it isn't, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I just worry about being embarassed in front of my friends and co-workers, mainly because of someone's huge ego and procrastination.....

C'est La Vie. Live and Learn