Resolve to Evolve

So it's that time of year again - the time when we filled with the best of intentions and optimism plan to make positive changes in our lives. I read so many articles on how to keep your resolutions.

My main goal is for my actions to reflect what I have always dreamed for myself. I think many parents project their hopes and dreams on to their kids, since I don't have any kids, I figure maybe just maybe I should make a go at realizing my dreams.

Sometimes I wonder when I will have the time to do all the things I need to do. But work will not limit me as it has in the past. It is a job - it is not my life. As far as work goes, I resolve to be beneficially sacrificial. Meaning, I will not go above and beyond unless there is something in it for me. There have been many times when I have gone above all that is reasonable, with no tangible or intangible reward - sometimes not even a thank you. That is the last remnant of my martyr personaility (a trait that I got from my mom) I have removed it from every aspect of my life and now it is time to get rid of it completely. Martyrs aren't celebrated until they are dead, and sometimes not even then. I want my party while I am a live and well enough to enjoy it!

My job is not typically a 9-5 and has great potential to steal away my personal time outside of that. But, it will now have to work for me instead of against me.

I have a story idea that I can't wait to develop. I thought of it while I was under the dryer at the salon. It's about sacrifice, betrayal and friendship - I know familiar, yet vague. I just need to get it all out on paper.

My friend has asked me to help him direct a news entertainment show on public access. Since I used to produce one of those types of shows, I am more than excited to jump on board. I think it will be fun.

I have a few show ideas of my own that I need to develop - you know write treatments and pitches. I think I am ready for that - heck that is what I ultimately want to do - so there is no time like the present.

Financially, I have committed to saving $100/wk, so that I will have $5000 by the end of the year. I know I will have to sacrifice a few night of eating out and maybe even a little starbucks, but I think it will be worth it.

In addition, $15/wk goes into my vacation fund and now that I am elgible for my 401K, I will be contributing between 5-7% (I need to do the math on that).

That being said, I have committed to cooking - at least twice a week - if I were to be completely honest - I think I have forgotten how to cook because it has been so long since I have cooked on a regular basis. But going home, reminded how great it is to have home cooking.

Ever since I worked on this all-consuming show, I stopped going to the gym, but now I am back - my clothes are snug and that's just not gonna work, so it's back to business 3x a week like before. That to me was the biggest sacrifice I made in the name of work, but I don't care if I have to go during lunch, I have to do it. So I am in it to win it.

My uncle wants me to train for the Cherry Blossom run. I think it is 5K - (not sure how many miles that is). Honestly, I think that is ambitious for me - I have never been much of a runner. I might give it a try, but I really need to decide if that is something I want to do. If I don't really want to, it ain't gonna happen, no matter how good my intentions.

I vow to spend an hour 3x a week writing and dveloping my ideas - it is my first love - and it will be like reuniting with an old friend.

In addition, since I joined a book club, I will be reading more which is great. Our first book is "Kindred" by Octavia Butler. I picked it up yesterday, so I will start on it tomorrow.

Fast food is gone - my only real fast food addiction is Popeyes - but I had it yesterday and it was kind of gross.

My main goal is to continually grow and enjoy life. I think that is a realistic goal.

The Long Trip Home

I am never trading travel horror stories with anyone before going on a trip - I am convinced it is bad luck - like self fulfilling prophesy. I spent the day before I left DC chatting with a co-worker about our travel stories - they were all the kind of stories that looking back - you could laugh about it. Well the latest horror is now and I am not laughing.

I don't think I will fly US Airways again. Aside from having to fly from Jax to Philadelphia and back down to DC last night, they lost my luggage. It is now 7:30pm and I am still waiting for it. Of course, I called them first thing this morning and they gave me a time window worse than Comcast (don't even get me started on them). The window was sometime today. They located my bags at noon and I am still waiting for them.

I had a ton of stuff to do today and I essentially wasted a whole day sitting here. Now things that I needed to do today will have to be done tomorrow and not only that I already have things I need to do tomorrow. This is suppose to be my rejuvenation time - my time to take care of all my business before I go back to work.

I didn't get a phone call until about 5:00 at which point the driver said two hours - he then changed it to one to pacify me, but obviously it has been longer than two hours.

I am furious. I will be composing a letter to US AIRWAYS requesting some of my money back. There is no need to offer me any frequent flyer miles or a credit towards another trip....I will not be flying with them. I generally prefer non-stop flights and since those cost a kidney, I reluctantly purchased these tickets - which were the cheapest I could find at a whopping $278. I almost didn't want to go home.

Of course I am glad I went - it was great seeing my family - especially my mom and the kiddies. My "little" cousin who is twelve is about 5'8 - it is unbelievable. We played the Sponge Bob version of Life - which was fun. My younger cousin, who is seven, won the game....

We went to see King Kong Monday night - that was - action packed. It seemed like a lot of movies rolled up into one, but it was entertaining. Not sure how I feel about all the "people" or zombies or whatever on the island being of the darker persuasion. I wouldn't go so far as to call the film racist as others have, that may be a bit much. I just think that at the time the original film was made, it was widely believed that Africa was the "dark continent" and that the people were uncivilized and tribal oriented - thus scary. Perhaps it was a fear of the unknown. At any rate, that part of the film didn't appeal to me, but overall it was alright. It is definitely a movie theatre movie - the special effects are nonstop.

Ok talking about something else has calmed me down a bit, but now it is almost 8pm and still no word. I am hungry and was supposed to meet a few people out for dinner an hour ago....arrgghhh

The Magic 8 Ball

I got a magic 8 ball for Christmas from one of my co-workers. I asked it a ton of questions....from the absurd to the practical. Some of the answers I didn't like so much. Some were fabulous. Some of the questions I asked was: Would I have a safe flight home (meaning to Jax) interestingly enough it said - "outlook no so good" - Of course, that freaked me out a little, So I asked, would I arrive home safe and alive and it said "signs point to yes" phew....

I didn't think much more about it until I got on the plane and they announced they were having a maintenance problem - they announced this during the second hour of us sitting on the runway. I really lost it then - part of me wanted to get off and go home and drive, but I remembered...according to the 8 ball I would arrive alive, so I calmed down a bit.... plus it said I would buy a house in 06 and that I would get engaged....we'll see.

I asked if TB would always love me - it said "yes definitely" I asked it all kinds of questions about my friends and family. I asked about if cousin's marriage was over and it said yes and unfortunately she confirmed that. I was bummed.

I asked if a few people I suspected of cheating on their mates and I got my answer. How strange.... I asked about a lot of things - I don't take too much stock in it, but it's a little uncanny.

The Long Flight Home

What a grueling trip. Long story short - 5:30am flight didn't leave until 8:30am due to an unresolved maintenance problem. They "resolved" it by removing our luggage saying they would send it later. Missed connecting flight in Charlotte and had to sit and wait another couple of hours for another flight - got to Jax at about 1:30 or so....I could have driven and got home by 3:00pm - it would have been less stressful

A Friday kind of Thursday

What a great day! A huge gift basket from Trader Joes - a 3 hour lunch break complete with a mojito and desert at Zengo, a restaurant with a latin and asian flare.


If only everyday could be like this.

Don't Speak for Me - NAACP

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Who Moved My *@!# Cheese?

I decided to turn over a new leaf and cut back on eating out for lunch everyday. SO I took a box of veggie burgers, a package of buns and a resealable package of provolone cheese slices. That plan was working out well for the first two days until...today. I opened the refrigerator and lo and behold someone had moved my cheese! At first, I just stood there in shock because I knew that couldn't have been my cheese in the refrigerator all open and exposed to the hodgepodge of refrigerator odors. I am way too anal to have left it open. I looked around to see if perhaps there was another package of provolone cheese in the refrigerator - one that looked like mine - you know - sealed. But alas there was not another - so I knew I had been violated.

I could feel my pressure beginning to mount as I reached in to examine my cheese. Someone had definitely eaten a slice or two, since there were only two slices left in the package. The remaining slices were as I suspected - hard and in what I call the pre-mold stage - what made it so bad is they even had fingerprints on them. (if only could have sent them in to a forensics lab for testing)

At this point, I was furious. Did I not get some sort a memo that suggests that by virtue of me putting my lunch in the company refrigerator it then becomes community property? Could that be the case? Is it possible that someone thought that perhaps they brought cheese in?

I don't really mind sharing my food (most of the time) but if you are going to use my stuff can you at least leave it the way you found it. All you have to do is press to seal it back up, so that at least I could eat the remainder of the cheese. Could you not touch every single slice in order to get one - that's why there is paper in between the slices....arrggghhhh.

This warranted a trip to the manager's office. I was pissed. I don't ask for much - but a slice of my own cheese on my veggie burger when it is too cold to go out for lunch is not much. I wanted to yell - I wanted to scream - I wanted to send out a company wide email - better yet I wanted to get on the paging system and threaten whoever touched my cheese! But then I thought of how Ross had to go to anger management classes after someone at his sandwich (Friends)....

So I explained to my boss that I was pissed because someone ate my cheese. I could see that he was having difficulty holding back a laugh. I continued venting (something about placing surveillance cameras in the kitchen) He listened and then offered to get me a slice of key lime pie - no - I insisted - that is not provolone cheese! Well - on second thought - hadn't had key lime pie in awhile.... We joked for a minute and he got me a slice of pie.

I ate my veggie burger sans cheese knowing that afterward I would have a slice of pie. That key lime pie was good! It was a nice pacifier.

Who knew I could talk about cheese for 7 paragraphs? I think it is the principle that upset me. I now know that my food goes in the small refrigerator in the closet (that only a few people have access too) and it is within eye shot. I still hope that whoever ate my cheese enjoyed it - because if I ever find out who it was.....they are going to get an earful.

An Affordable Look?

I was watching the Early Show and they were modeling affordable holiday looks. I added up the costs of one outfit (including accessories and shoes) and it totaled $815. It was a nice outfit, but....

Am I missing something? Did I go into the wrong profession? The term "affordable" is truly subjective. Affordable to me is about $250 head to toe - knowing that the shoes and accesories will be doing triple duty with other outfits.

I see it in countless magazines too. Splurge vs Steal.... $5,000 vs $1250 for an outfit....

I am at a loss. I love clothes - but spending a 1K for one outfit is a bit outrageous. At those prices, I will need to take up sewing.

Man in the Mirror

Okay the title was inspired by a night of karaoke -which was pretty fun. It's good to know that I am not the worst singer on the planet.

On a serious note, it is really hard to see a reflection of one of the more challenging periods of my life as lived by someone else. Hearing about her situation, is all too familiar and in a way takes me back to a very dark time. I just want to tell her to get out now, love herself and most importantly stop wasting time.

It's Mr. Dysfunctional again - I know the story well. You are not at the top of the priority list. At times you feel you may not even be a priority. You are insecure (and rightfully so) about your relationship. You feel somewhat isolated from friends. You're self esteem and self confidence are at records lows. You feel socially inept and even awkward. You feel like having something is better than nothing at all - and afterall it is a habit. What drives you is (other than the fact that the relationship is purely habitual) fear and hope. Fear that you may end up alone and hope that maybe just maybe he will change. Everything will all work out if he would just change.

For me, I realized that I wanted so much change, that I realized he would have to be an entirely different person for it to work....

But as I much want better for her, I know she has to make that decision. She has to end it (I would end it for her if I could - just to save her from one more pointless argument) She has to get to that point - she might - she might not...It took me a long time - I am a slow doer (I knew it wasn't working, I just didn't stop it)

Ii is really hard to see someone else going through the same thing. Now I know how my mom and friends must have felt....

Are You There God?

Why do things have to be complicated? Why, for once, can't things just work out? It's difficult to maintain a sense of optimism when everything seems to blow up in your face. I don't want to hear any crap about becoming stronger, blah, blah, blah....Hasn't it been enough? I mean, really.

What a Difference a Year Makes

So now it is official. I am 32 and my life has changed so much in this past year. Most of it - for the better. One of my friends told me that life begins at 30 - I think that might be true. My life is so much better than when I was in my 20s (the drama years).

32 isn't really a significant year in that people don't get all excited. I guess once you hit 30, the birthdays that really matter are divisible by 10. But I have a lot to celebrate.

I am in a healthy relationship. I never in a million years would have guessed it could happen so fast. After about a year of dating random nuts and playing cat and mouse with my ex, finally this past year, I am seeing someone who is good to me and for me. And in return I feel that I am good to him and for him too. It is a nice exchange. He is the sunshine of my life.

I have made a ton of progress paying off my credit card debt. This year, I have been on an aggressive campaign and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not quite there yet, but since we get three checks this month - one of them is going towards that. I can't wait to that day when I can say "free at last". I project that it will be around mid-February or early March. My debt to income ratio will be favorable to getting a better rate for my next major purchase.

Speaking of income, this year I have figured out without a doubt, what I don't want to do. It is yet another occupation that I can scratch off the list. I guess it would be better for me to say with certainty what I do want to do....but knowing that this won't work for much longer is a positive step. I think this is a natural progression for me - sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who stays at a job for years at a time. But I am still convinced that there is something better for me.

My job is great in that I am compensated enough to handle my expenses and still have a little fun. It is why I will be out of debt. It is more money than I have ever made. Things are a little unstable now - but hopefully after the dust settles I will still have this job for as long as I need to. I will trust that when it is time for me to move on that God will open up the doors.

This past year, I have identified some other things about me that I have to address. Like attitude...sometimes I can be - really transparent. I have a hard time hiding my emotions - especially when I am pissed about something. So I will work on resolving my issues more constructively.

I am continuing to do things I have always wanted to do, which is a huge deal. I am so used to denying myself things or feeling guilty, that sometimes I feel trapped. But I went to the Dave Matthews Concert this year - which is phenomenal for me. I had long considered concerts a luxury I couldn't afford. I finally went to a Redskins game - twice and thanks to TK, I saw the Wizards this year. I also went to VA Beach, Philly and Luray Caverns with TB.

All in all it has been a good year and I hope the upcoming year is even better.

The Apprentice - it Aint

When I tell people that I am a project manager, people tend to think it is like the project managers on the The Apprentice. I can tell by look of intrigue when I tell people. But in all honesty my job is sort of like being a babysitter and a therapist all rolled up in to one.

I wish it was more glamorous, but it's not....