RollerCoaster

I have been on a mental and emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 weeks. I have vacillated from fear and anxiety to excitement and joy to sadness and disappointment. It looks like it all is finally coming to an end. I have been dealing with things that I didn't even know were there. It's amazing how one thing can affect so many others.

I know I have been a "train wreck" friend lately as I have been wrapped up in my own drama, but I am starting to feel "normal" again.

Major News Flash

In case you haven't heard, there are (were) NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION in Iraq. Isn't that the "reason" we went to war? Well, according to the new spin doctors it was to bring democracy to Iraq... 300b dollars and thousands dead and wounded. Democracy ain't cheap. Especially when built on lies. So what does that mean to our soldiers? Is there an exit strategy in place or will our soldiers become occupiers and are there indefinitely?

There doesn't appear to be an exit strategy, I hear that it will occur when we train the Iraqi military and civil servants to fend for themselves. Seems a little difficult to accomplish if the insurgents keep killing them.

Why can't you just admit that you made a mistake? No good can come from this. You should have waited for the inspectors to do their job and focused your attention on bankrupting and dividing the U.S. (oh that's right, you accomplished that too). And 51% of the voting public really appreciated it, too.

I'm A Believer

Ok, ok... I admit it. The Patriots are a good football team. I have been in denial for a few years and when they won their first superbowl in the recent past, I thought it was a fluke (I kinda still do) and I felt validated in that belief since they didn't even make it to the playoffs the following year. I don't know how I rationalized their Superbowl win last year, but somehow I still didn't quite buy into them. But this year, they brought it and I bought it. I am not a fan as Jax will always have my heart, but they are great to watch. I knew they would beat Indy, but I had no idea they would hold them to just a field goal in the process. Deep down, I was a little happy about that - I was a little tired of hearing about Peyton. Once they passed that hurdle, I knew it was on to the Superbowl again. Pitt was just a formality. I haven't bought Pitt yet... they have won too many games because of the other team's kicker. Case in point, their playoff victory over the Jets.... But New England... when they win, they cap it off with an exclamation point.... I am rooting for them in the SB. I have a soft spot for Cory Dillon, it would be great to see him win something (anything).

Ok, I like Donovan too, but I just don't believe they can beat the Pats. It should be a good game though. I can't wait.

Beware of the SBPM

I recently read this article in Essence Magazine that discussed who was more likely to cheat on their partners. According to this article, Black men who are single successful professionals tend to have multiple partners and because their options are so plentiful they can date (and by date, you know what I mean) several women at once.

I don't recall exactly how the author arrived at the above conclusion, but it does sound plausible. Sometimes we, as women (and I don't really own this one) are willing to settle for a piece of a good man than no man at all. I think there is still a belief that there is a shortage of good available black men. Perhaps that could all be tied into how "good" is defined.

The article went on to say that the men who seem to remain faithful and are willing to commit to one woman are Black Blue Collar men...these are they guys that may not have a college degree, they may be mechanics, construction workers or garbage men.


I will admit, I tend to be attracted to Single Black Professionals. I have also stated that I want a man who is college educated - mainly because I am. It's not a huge big deal, but it's a small thing with me. I certainly don't believe that a college education makes one successful (or not). I ask myself everyday...."I went to college for this?" But I digress....but I have met men who are not college educated, who I find to be interesting. Particularly men who are good with their hands.

I once knew a guy who could fix anything. He was a cabinet maker by trade and worked part time at Walmart, which is where we met. We became fast friends and I developed an appreciation for him that went way beyond the superficial. He was eloquent and skilled and kind. We used to talk for hours about everything from politics to music to literature. He would fix my car and help me out with a variety of things and I would help him by keeping track of his records. We were never anything more than friends, but had the circumstances been different (I had a boyfriend at the time and I moved out of the area), I probably would have considered dating him. We don't keep in touch as often anymore, and I miss him sometimes.


While it doe shave some merit, I don't completely buy into the SBPM theory. It's men like Barack Obama and others like him (like my Pastor and his wife) that give me hope.

Dear God

Dear God,

I know I have asked that you help me out with a lot of things lately. I don't recall asking for patience....and with good reason. I am horrible at it, and I really had no desire to improve, but clearly that is what you expect from me.

Thanks, I am sure this will make me a better person.......eventually.

Cabin Fever

I have been in the house all day yesterday with the exception of going to the gym. I am going nuts. I had such high hopes of all the things I would accomplish at home, but I didn't do anything but drive myself crazy. Today will be more of the same - not planning on going anywhere. I have been watching the He's Just Not That Into You edition of Oprah. I taped it so I could watch it whenever I needed a refresher and it is just as enlightening this time as it was the first time I saw it.

I know he isn't into me, which is fine because I'm just not that into him. The more I know, the less into him I become....All I can say is if I can just get out of this one situation I will feel free.

Parachutes

If you ever decide to jump out of an airplane, it's a good idea to take along a parachute. Just a little safety precaution from one who knows....

Fantasy

Forget about men. Can a sista get some solid food? I have been craving some fried chicken for the longest (in my world, that's about 2 hours.) When you have been living on soup, oatmeal and the occasional meal followed by heavy doses of Mylanta, a dream or two of solid food is bound to happen. I never really crave fried chicken, but I feel that I must have some ---NOW! Spicy chicken strips from Popeyes will probably ease my pain, but take my stomach on a whirlwind. It might just be worth the risk.

Regime Change?

If I was feeling better, I would be protesting today. It's the beginning of even more detrimental economic and foreign policies under Hitl, er Bush. Don't even get me started. We are involved in this senseless war and resources that could be used domestically are being used for war. What a great use of taxpayer dollars.... and the taxpayer benefits how? Are we actually safer? Should we feel good about bringing democracy to a civilization that is thousands of years old.... How is it possible to bring democracy to another country, when we don't have it here at home? That's all I will say for now - everyone who knows me already knows how I feel about the Bush Regime. Maybe someone will save us....

Declare Yourself Well Day

NOT!

I have been sick for about a week straight and today I decided to declare myself well. I was just simply tired of being sick. So I got up, ate, went to the gym....which is when Declare Yourself Well Day hit a snag. Probably not the best idea. I worked out for only about 45 minutes and I was completely exhausted. I then came to work against my better judgement and now..........I just want to go to sleep.

Thanks

Thanks for not making it seem so bad afterall. I am still paranoid, of course (this is me we are talking about), but even if you didn't mean it, it was just what I needed at the time.

Website of the Week

My best friend told me about this one. It is quite entertaining.

www.worstcasescenarios.com


Click on scenario archive and check out the dating section.

Hilarious!

Such useful information as, How to tell if your date is an axe murderer or how to determine the gender of your date or how to escape a bad date and my personal favorite, how to survive if you wake up next to someone whose name you don’t remember
(not that I have this problem)

Another great thing is has the link so you can print out the "it's not you, it's me" letter. Absolutely Fabulous! I have a feeling I might need that soon.

Another Night

This was a good weekend (aside from the fact that I am a little sick). I have been doing well about trying to keep in touch with others. Saturday, I went to the Melting Pot for the first time in life with a few friends. It was amazing! That is definitely repeat worthy. Who knew fondue could be so seductive? I found a new treat for myself other than the spa.

Afterwards we went to the John Legend concert and I discovered something about myself. Wearing 3 inch heels to a general admission concert is not really a good idea. JL was really late coming to the stage which made the heel thing a little more pressing. But once he started performing all was well. He has a great voice. But I think I will leave the general admission club concerts that start on CP time to the youth ;)

Patience

I am not going to jump to conclusions. I will just wait and see what happens. Before I air out all my suspicions, which really have no basis in reality, perhaps I should keep the self-sabotage mode in park. I am sure this is insecurity and doubt creeping up on me again and turning me into the classic passive-aggressive, avoidance-denial, "let me abandon him before he abandons me" thing I have owned for so long.

I wish sometimes I could just select "undo" in the edit mode and erase a lot of the ill-conceived things I have done.

I can't argue anymore. I don't have the heart for it. It will be whatever it will be and I will be at peace with that.

I went to church today, for the first time this year. I didn't actually work during the service, which was great just to enjoy the service. We saw a 12 minute selection of a MLK doc and it was really good. I learn something new about King every year. I never realized that he smoked. Also, we saw part of when some of the other members of the SCLC tried to cheer him up, because he was so down, particularly after all the criticism he took for opposing the Vietnam war. It really dealt with his human side. I always thought of him as an icon - someone who handled real life problems on a supernatural philosophical level. But watching him today, I realized he was human just like everyone else.

The pastor also talked about helping others and building your life on a strong foundation. "Whatever you build, you have to live in."

Although simplistic, that was such a revelation to me. Almost like, "life is what you make it".

I have been so angry this past week or so and I just couldn't let it go and I realized that I have to - my anger is only hurting me. Some of the situations that have me so upset are just symptoms of a much larger problem. One that I ready to start dealing with on a serious level.

I am still not sure where to start, but at least I am no longer in denial. I can't pretend that I am not bothered by what happened. You may never admit your role in the situation and that's unfortunate. I am strong enough to tell you now - ok well not yet.... I am getting there. Even still, I don't hate you - it's not worth the energy, nor is it warranted. I am - disappointed, that you refuse to deal in reality, that you comfort your guilt with lies.

But more importantly, I am ready to forgive you and myself for letting this haunt me for so long....

Heck of a Week

This has been a heck of a week. It started off crazy by my unusual behavior and now I am playing the waiting game. Will he or won't he?

I was told some rather disturbing news by my ex and I think the thing that bothers me the most is that what he told me bothers me at all. On so many levels, it bothers me. Why even talk to me, if you gonna tell me some nonsense like that? Act like you know I am NOT cool. This man has known me for seven years, so his surprise at my reaction is baffling. Have I ever been cool about this entire situation? Have I ever been unclear? Clearly he was and still is only thinking about himself, but I am not surprised.

Then I had to go to work, which lately has been extremely frustrating. It sucks that I truly love the company I work for, but I am not so crazy about the department I am in. So, person who hired the supervisor over me claimed that he would train her, but of course, when it came time to do that, he was conveniently absent, so I ended up having to do it. And admittedly, I didn't do a really good job. I told her how I do it, and clearly she works differently from me, which is fine. I offer suggestions and she sometimes she seems disinterested. That's fine. It will give me a chance to go out and take a break. Maybe that will work out best. I was on my feet half the night - oh maybe that's because I was doing 2 jobs....hmmm. But I am not bitter - well maybe a little.

It will take a little while for the transition I guess, but people still call me about that stuff, and I am willing to give it up entirely. There's no gratification in being #2 or not being compensated or even recognized for all the extra effort. I was really angry near the beginning of the week, but now I am getting better. I had a praise break and it really helped - I was really genuinely nice yesterday, before it definitely wasn't genuine, it was more cordial.

I am a little sick and I am not sure what is wrong with me. I went to the doctor and now I am just waiting. She says I look normal, but I don't feel normal. I KNOW something is wrong. I took some tests and maybe that will help explain it. I hope it's nothing, but I am sure it is something. I hope that whatever it is can be cured with a pill. Aside from my stomach problems (which seem to occur I get really stressed out), my back is killing me, my hip hurts and my knee cracks - I hope I don't have Arthritis.

All in all, I am glad this week is over. Hopefully next week will be a LOT better.

Great Expectations

I am numb.

Amnesia

I have given this a lot of thought and I really can't remember the last time. It really has been a long time.

The Rules

I broke every last one of them in less than 24 hours.... How is that possible? Leave it to me.

It wouldn't be me if.....

If I didn't meet some guy who sent me a rose at a restaurant who turns out to be either delusional or a pathological liar or possibly both.....and even better the restaurant has to call the police on him. Long story, but you know someone is crazy when in the first few minutes of talking to them, they say they are looking for a wife....and even more disturbing they like to burn money (as in spend a whole lot of it on random idiotic stuff) Hmmm....I'll pass on that.

If I didn't know someone who had the emotional intelligence of a slug. Can he really be that stupid? Everytime I think he has perhaps got a little sense or that it's not all that bad, perhaps I was overreacting, he goes and does something that reminds me why I can't stand him.

If I didn't have an encounter that was just enough to remind me that I used to really like having a boyfriend..... and all the closeness that comes with it. Heck, it's cold outside. And by boyfriend, I mean a couple of the people I dated in way back college. Thanks for that, I forgot what it felt like to be touched by a man.

If I didn't leave my i.d. in my gym pants and consequently could not get into any club...particularly because I look like a kid. I talked myself into one, but hmmmm not a very good one. Never hurts to try. Good job girlie. In my defense, I didn't realize we were trying to go clubbing.

If I wasn't micro-managed into oblivion. Because we all know how I love that. I am trying not to get too pissy about it, but I know how to handle my business. I don't need three people checking on me to see if I am doing my job - I wish everyone was as busy as I am, so they wouldn't have time.... God, please help me get on the A team.

Out with the Old....

It just wouldn't be New Years without making some type of resolution. I prefer to call them goals, which give me something to aim for.

Goal 1

Organize my life.

Really. I knew this was coming. In honor of the occasion, I purchased a file cabinet before I left town, so that when I came back, I could implementing this goal immediately. I will do my taxes on time this year :)

Goal 2

Keep in touch with old friends and network more with new acquaintances.

Now that I have cell phone created in the new millenium, this should be a little more attainable than before.


Goal 3

Meet new people

This goes in line a little with number 2, but now I plan to go out at least once a month, so that I constantly meet more people.


Goal 4

Try new activities

In this month's edition of O, it alluded to the fact that learning something new keeps the brain active and in its own way is a fountain of youth. You are never to old to learn or experience something new. I haven't figured out all the things I want to try yet, but it is in the works. Some of the things I have considered so far is playing flag football, learning a new dance, and perhaps starting a book club.

Goal 5

To not let fear hinder my actions.

I will not be afraid of giving or receiving love.

I will speak my mind when needed. I will not stay silent when things are falling apart.

I will not worry about what others think to the point that I hold myself back.

I will not let fear stifle my creativity.

I will ask for what I want/need without wondering if I deserve what I am seeking.

I will not let one or two "no's" stop me from seeking a "yes". As I learned at the airport, eventually if you keep talking, someone will listen and respond positively. Sometimes all you need is one "yes".


Goal 6

Live my Best Life

I will take care of myself.

I will not be ashamed to experience life to the fullest.

I will manage my finances and still save some for doing things I love.

I will stand up for my principles.

I will be more less judgmental and more loving towards others.

I will learn from others.

I will expand my business, which open up more doors for me.

I will continue to go to the gym and eat more balanced meals. This makes me feel good in a way I can't explain - perhaps it is all the endorphins.

I will dance because I love to, even though I am clearly not a dancer.


That is quite enough for now! Perhaps I will do a progress report in February.

more NYE at the Embassy 

Ant in full effect 

Me trying to be hardcore with Dan - probably not the best look. 

Rocky in actress mode 

NYE at the Embassy 

NYE at the Embassy