Patience

I am not going to jump to conclusions. I will just wait and see what happens. Before I air out all my suspicions, which really have no basis in reality, perhaps I should keep the self-sabotage mode in park. I am sure this is insecurity and doubt creeping up on me again and turning me into the classic passive-aggressive, avoidance-denial, "let me abandon him before he abandons me" thing I have owned for so long.

I wish sometimes I could just select "undo" in the edit mode and erase a lot of the ill-conceived things I have done.

I can't argue anymore. I don't have the heart for it. It will be whatever it will be and I will be at peace with that.

I went to church today, for the first time this year. I didn't actually work during the service, which was great just to enjoy the service. We saw a 12 minute selection of a MLK doc and it was really good. I learn something new about King every year. I never realized that he smoked. Also, we saw part of when some of the other members of the SCLC tried to cheer him up, because he was so down, particularly after all the criticism he took for opposing the Vietnam war. It really dealt with his human side. I always thought of him as an icon - someone who handled real life problems on a supernatural philosophical level. But watching him today, I realized he was human just like everyone else.

The pastor also talked about helping others and building your life on a strong foundation. "Whatever you build, you have to live in."

Although simplistic, that was such a revelation to me. Almost like, "life is what you make it".

I have been so angry this past week or so and I just couldn't let it go and I realized that I have to - my anger is only hurting me. Some of the situations that have me so upset are just symptoms of a much larger problem. One that I ready to start dealing with on a serious level.

I am still not sure where to start, but at least I am no longer in denial. I can't pretend that I am not bothered by what happened. You may never admit your role in the situation and that's unfortunate. I am strong enough to tell you now - ok well not yet.... I am getting there. Even still, I don't hate you - it's not worth the energy, nor is it warranted. I am - disappointed, that you refuse to deal in reality, that you comfort your guilt with lies.

But more importantly, I am ready to forgive you and myself for letting this haunt me for so long....