There is something about January that makes me think about my ex. Maybe it's the time where I reflect on my life and think about all the progress I've made and all the mistakes I made - and how long I made them. I mean - seriously - what was I thinking? How could I do the same stupid thing year after year? I was certainly no angel in all of the madness. I'll be the first to admit that - which is why it is so mind boggling that I thought it could be worked out. Is it possible to be in a relationship and feel nothing - there must have been a point when I loved him, but I remember hating him more than anything else. Then, I remember all the other men I emotionally bonded with during that time. You would think that would have been a hint. I went through the biggest moral test in my life and I technically passed, but....I contemplated doing the unthinkable - at least for me - and did I feel remotely guilty because of my ex - absolutely - I didn't even care what he thought. I felt bad because I allowed myself to get too involved with a married man. Yet when it came down to it, I was the one who drew the line, but I certainly didn't deserve any prize for that, because I wanted to cross it - but the guilt was too much. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. As it was, I felt really bad for even thinking it. But he was one of many men I got at least emotionally involved with...
I think I am afraid of who I was then- I never want to be that person again. Fearful. Everything I did was motivated by fear. I was with him because I was afraid. I wouldn't marry him becasue I was afraid (yet that was warranted) I stayed so long, because I was convinced that I was too old to date again and dating sounded really...scary. Indifference eventually won out - thank god. Being ok with idea of being alone for the rest of my life before settling to live a loveless marriage filled with resentment finally got me out of the maze.
To be fair, he isn't a terrible person. I am sure he will make someone very happy - god bless her.
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