It is wrong to expect more from someone than you are willing to give? Probably, but just the same that is where I am. I am not sure it is a matter of will on my part, but perhaps it is a matter of ability. I just need some time. It's unreasonable by all accounts, but I think I am a little intimidated. Just saying that bothers me. I hate to think of myself as being intimidated by anything.
I am afraid of what you might think if you realize I am not perfect and that I don't always have it all together. I realize on a logical level, you already know that I am not perfect, and that you have already seen some of my imperfections. But maybe I am so self conscious about my perception of my faults, that I just can't get past them right now.
I feel bad that I haven't cleared up some of your misconceptions about me. I certainly should have by now. Some of them are very basic. I am so afraid of screwing this up, that that is exactly what I am doing. How can you know me if I don't allow you to see me? The last time I opened my heart....the results were not what I'd hoped.
It was like talking to a wall. It still is. What is there left to say? Last week was a fluke. I was just caught off guard. Nothing has changed, there is no need to see what will happen. I haven't changed my mind. A line has been crossed and there is no going back.
But the hard part is not taking all the crap with me. I am trying to let that go... the good thing is that no matter happens between us, I have taken a huge step all because of you. If I could just articulate that....
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