The Heart of the Matter

So I have finally decided that I need to heal completely from my last disastrous relationship - and I realized that after all this time the one thing I never did (or even considered) was forgive. It never even occurred to me that I needed to - I have been so emotionally numb from the whole experience that I just blocked it from the forefront of my mind. But now it is time to let go and move on. It's not fair to anyone else that comes into my life to still be hanging on to unresolved baggage - yes - X - you told me so....

So in an attempt to start this forgiveness process and I am not sure why it has been so difficult. I have been able to forgive others who have done some pretty reprehensible things.

So I started this forgiveness letter and I have to admit I got a little stuck after section 1. Section 1 is where you write down all the the reasons why you resent the person or behavior and all told I have almost 3 pages of resentments...I even thought of more while I was in the shower this morning.

Section 2 is the part where you write down the reasons you appreciate the person. Hmmm, still thinking - I am sure there must be something... I mean, maybe it is a bit pre-mature for me to write this section. Of course, he has his good points. I just can't think of what they are right now.

So I think I will pray on that and continue this process - I guess it sometimes is not an overnight process. I guess that's why I put if off for so long. I found myself getting so angry and then I noticed a bit of a pattern. It was like reliving the experience, but just the bad parts. I don't want to relive it - I don't ever want to feel that frustrated and angry again.

So forgiveness is my only option, so that when I think about that time in my life, it doesn't hurt so much and that I only see it for the learning experience that it was.

I have to put a stop to it, for my own good - so I have begun the process. I admit that I'm at this place kicking and screaming, but I know there is no other option (other than going crazy or becoming bitter) and I can't do that.

So there you have it.