Post Relationship RX

I was talking to one of my best guy friends on Saturday - just catching up (he lives in LA now) and he has known me for so long that I feel totally comfortable talking to him about everything. He is one of the few people who knows about all my skeletons and quirks and he still likes me.

So I had no problem admitting to him that I don't want to get married and I am not even sure I want to be in a relationship right now. I mean things are cool - I love my boyfriend, but the whole committment thing...kinda freaks me out. I don't want to ever lose my independence. I always want to be in control of my destiny.

I guess it was something in the way I said that, that triggered my friend to ask if I was sure my feelings weren't based on what happened in my last "relationship". I thought it was silly at the time, but perhaps there may be something to that thought process. He witnessed a lot of the hell I went through (including the demand to stop being his friend).

I would be willing to admit, that maybe the wounds from my last drama may not have healed completely, but I see that relationship as a life lesson - the lesson being - you should never lose yourself in another person or their dreams and you should never relinquish control of who you are and your value to anyone else - ever. So that being said, I don't plan on ever being dependent on a man - particularly not financially.

My friend was so great because he didn't try to convince me that I want to get married - he didn't even act as though something was wrong with me - he just asked me to think about it and reassured me that he wanted me to be happy and that he would hate for me to let a good man go, because I was still caught up in the past.

It was so refreshing for someone not to ask - "when are you getting married?" Because that freaks me out even more. I say, things are working out as they are now - why ruin it with all the high expectations of marriage? Perhaps I am a basket case. Maybe he's not the one - but the way I feel right now - there is no "the one".

I'd be content having a lover when needed and having great friends. I still haven't figured out how I get kids out of this deal, but once I figure that out....

Maybe I will consider some sort of therapy.