Re-Building

I talked to my best friend yesterday morning and she reminded me of something I'd done about a week ago. It was without ceremony, pomp or circumstance. Most importantly, it was without drama or fear. "I don't want to be friends."

It was as simple as that. I have felt this way for longer than I can remember, but was always afraid to verbalize it. What would I do without him, he has been a part of my life for so long? But he was a season - a mostly stormy one, but one that has allowed me to grow more than I had previously. That season has passed. It is time for me to stand on my own.

And I have been. For awhile, I didn't think I could survive without him. That's how low my confidence became while I was with him. Not entirely his fault either. It has been a year and a half now and slowly I am becoming re-acquainted with myself. I am finding my strength and my confidence, all the things that at one time came so naturally are finally resurfacing.

I feel free to be exactly who I am, without apology. For so long, I suppressed part of myself out of fear of being judged. I think that the fear was legitimate, but it failed to address the root of the problem. For so long, I thought something was wrong with me. And now I realize in my heart that I deserve more - more from myself. I always knew that in my head, but it took awhile for my heart to catch on.

So I am putting my life back together and even though I have my moments of weakness, I am having a good time doing it. I feel emancipated. Not sure what comes next, but ready for the journey.