True Love

I have been doing some self reflection and it got me to thinking. Am I capable of a long term committment, i.e. marriage? I have been on my own (essentially) for so long, I just don't know if I could live with another person. Based on my past history, I tend to get bored, and in a lot of cases I am unwilling to try to spice things up.

The thing is, I really want kids. I think kids are great and one of God's greatest gifts. And it would be nice to have a husband too, but.... quite honestly, I don't have to have a husband. It would be great if I could meet someone and we were compatible and could make a go of it, but I wouldn't die if that didn't happen. But I absolutely want kids...

Maybe I just haven't met the right person. My last relationship has had me second guessing myself, my worth, everything about me. I knew I couldn't go on like that and I am still trying unload some of that emotional baggage. I have come a long way. Yes, I still care for that person, but I really have no desire to be with him. It is very... liberating. Those feelings of desperation are gone. I no longer wonder what he is doing, where he is and who he is with.... I just stopped caring. All the secrecy that used to drive me nuts.... has desensitized me. I am not the same person anymore.

But is that good? Will I be cold and unfeeling to new people? What if I transfer my skepticism and lack of trust to someone else. What if I can't get past all the complexes I have developed from this last relationship? What if that desparate fear of abandonment resurfaces?

I hate that feeling more than anything.... I felt that way more often than I care to admit from the past relationship - part of that was me, but I certainly did not get any reassurance from him. Maybe I am not ready yet, but my biological clock says I am.

Well, I guess there is no need to worry too much... it's not like I have anyone on the horizon right now. So I guess that gives me more time to work out my issues.