Trapped

Lately I have been obsessing about this, and I am starting to feel smothered. I can't seem to re-capture my youthful drive that would propel me out of this place. My need for security has (at least temporarily) outweighed my desire for happiness. What's makes it even worse is, I don't even feel that secure. I don't feel as if I am on solid ground, which makes me wonder....is it all worth it?

It is obvious that the gratification I crave will not be coming from the place where a lot of my energy is expended. However, the still small voice is leading to wait - I know, the patience thing again - that seems to be a recurrent theme for 05. So I will wait, but prepare for something better in the meantime, so when the time is right, I will be ready.

I feel like I am building up strength for something. I am hoping that I can grasp whatever that "thing" is that separates excellence from mediocrity. I am not at excellence yet. I think about it all the time, and sometimes I get exhausted thinking about it. I know I must reclaim my creativity, that is where my freedom lies. I guess that is why I am trying to free my mind of all this noise.

Sometimes I wonder what my voice sounds like. I am not sure it is an entirely unique voice, but I often wonder if others can relate to my quirkiness. I am not overly afrocentric (don't let the afro fool you - I am too cheap to get a relaxer, plus my hair is kinda cool). I am not really an "oreo", nor am I a stereotypical black woman. I am just me, which is all I can be. I am in a weird place spiritually - I love God, but I just wonder where this journey will lead. I want my voice to be heard - whether it is to make people laugh, cry or just offer a new perspective or an old perspective with a twist.