Reality Bites

Maybe the fantasy is better than the reality. That's what scares me. I think I have allowed myself to get so excited by the idea of the possibilities that I may have lost sight of what is. Part of me is afraid of being disappointed. What if it worse than before...although that would be quite a feat. I actually wouldn't allow things to go that far.

On a different note, perhaps it is not my turn. That is not easy to accept, but that is how it appears. Things are certainly better, but I have a long way to go. I am guardedly optimistic, but the goal seems so unattainable sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I will ever achieve it...let's face it - I only have myself. That thought is a little overwhelming at times.

I sometimes wonder how life would have been different if I had chosen a different path - the path that I thought I wanted to lead so many years ago. Where would I be? How would my life be different? I am closer now, than ever, but still so far away. Life is so different than how I thought it would be. It's true, I have some power to change things, perhaps the biggest obstacle in what goes on inside my head.

I feel like I am in the ballpark, but still just an observer, not a player. How long? I say I that money is extremely important - and it is, but I really want to do something I enjoy. I want to be someone I enjoy. I want to "live my best life". I just feel like I am square one - like I want to scream. I feel like I am suffocating in bureaucratic lunacy.

Friday, I saw a little girl with her dad at the store. I was watching them interact, and I became sad all of a sudden. I wanted to cry, but I was in public. They looked so happy together. I have wanted that my entire life and I will never really know what that feels like. I don't think of it often, but seeing the two of them together brought out some emotions I didn't know I had.

Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid, but as I got older, I realized something (someone)was missing. My eventual meeting with him was less than satisfying. All he could offer was excuses and lies. I always had this hope there was some really good reason....like in the soap operas.... he didn't know I existed, otherwise he would have been there for me. The picture of him holding me when I was a little over a year old kinda dispels that one. Perhaps he had to leave the country for a top secret mission and that's why he couldn't be there. Childish, I know but it is thoughts like these that helped me cope.

I never really thought anything was wrong with me, but I couldn't understand how anyone would not want to know their child. How is that possible? I am sometimes afraid that I will meet and become involved with someone like him, someone who would abandon their children. I often pray for discernment, so that if I have kids, they won't have to go through that. That is one my biggest fears - I would never want my child to grow up without a father. That's grounds for a nice therapy tab in the future.

I had no idea I was going to write about this, when I sat down, but I guess that is what was on my mind.